I went out with a friend one night and for some reason i really wanted to have a good time and that i did. we knocked a couple of drinks back, danced , bumped into more friends and even bumped into this guy that she had had a crush on for the longest time. She is the shy type of girl who would never risk making a fool of her self, that's why she has me around. she and this guy had never spoken and he didn't even know of her existance. so I, being the loud mouth that i am, initiated conversation with this guy just to get him to take note of my friend, little did i know that by the end of that night she would be in tears, i would lie in bed with a mear stranger forgetting that i had a boyfriend already and he (the guy my friend had a crush on) would be that stranger.

My friend was upset, but soon got over it as she realised that me and this guy really liked each other. He broke up with his current girlfriend and i broke up with my current boyfriend and almost immediatly a whilwind of excitment, alchohol, patying and unprotected sex began.

i missed my period that next month, but i thought nothing of it. then my eating patterns changed, but still i thought nothing of it. I wasn't until my roommates and i got a bottle of vodka one friday night and drank ourselves to a stand still, leaving me to wake up puking as though the world would come to a halt if i stopped. That Saturday i blamed it on the alchohol, but when Sunday came and i was still puking i figured something was wrong. the monday i got a home pregancy test and surprise, i was pregnant. i went to the doctor a couple of days later and he confirmed my pregnancy, telling me i was 7weeks pregnant. now at this point my boyfriend and i had only been together for about 2months. i told him and he was very supportive the only thing we did not agree on was that he wanted me to keep the baby and i wanted to have an abortion. 

i really didn't give him room to argue his point, my mind was made up and that was that. Still he held me through my fears and told me he would be there no matter what.

he smsed me one night and said "baby, i'm terribly sorry for putting you through this. i don't know how to make it easier for you. whatever it takes, i'll do it. i'm here for you." i cried, not because i had one of the sweetest boyfriends in the world, but because i had taken the next day off of work inorder to go have an abortion and i hadn't told him. so i replied " I want to get this abortion thing done tomorrow." He tried to convince me to put it off for a couple more days, but not because he wanted me to re-think my decision, but because he couldn't go to the clinic with me that next day. I told him it was ok, he didn't have to be there. 

Woke up that next morning, still feeling horrible. took a shower, wore one of my favourite outfits and off i went. i walked into that clinic so calm and so confident not a bit of nervousness or fear or any such thing. i looked at the other girls and wondered to myself what their stories were, I analysed their outfits, called a couple of my friends, i did alot of things whilst sitting in that waiting room, the one thing i tried my best not to do was think about me, my situation, the fact that i was sitting in that waiting room for the very same reason as those girls i had been looking at.

 My name was called and i went off into the doctor's room. i thought i would cry, but i didn't shed a single tear. when they were done with me i went through to the recovery room, got dressed and got the hell out of there. i called my boyfriend and his phone was off and that's when the tears came, i left him a haert felt voice message, wiped my tears and went shopping…

i thought i was ok, until today.

I killed a baby, I killed my baby. i don't know how one goes about forgiving themselves for doing something like this. Will God ever forgive me? will my boyfriend ever look at me in the same way?

i don't have the answers, i just thought sharing would make me feel better…