crying girlA part of me wants to get pregnant again on purpose. I’m back on regular birth control pills where I can control if I get pregnant or not again.. I dont know if thats  a bad thing to do or if its a normal feeling.  I’ve been having this dream over and over agian where I’m 5 months pregnant, and everyone around me is happy and excited for me, I know that its my brain playing tricks on me in showing me what I really wanted to happen when I was pregnant last time.. I have a confession, last time I did get pregnant on purpose; I wanted a baby, and then when I finally had one, I was happy, I wasn’t sad and I didn’t cry, I smiled for about 3 hours.  but no one around me was smiling like I was. I feel like I am much more mature than I was a year ago, I’m 19 now, out of school, in a very very stable relationship, and we are planning to get married =)  but should I try to get pregnant again like I want to, and just not let him know my plans? Is that so horrible to want to do. This dream I’ve been having is just so vivid with emotions and feelings. I even feel my baby kicking in my tummy in the dream. For the last couple weeks I’ve been really thinking I was pregnant again, I’ve been feeling sick all day long, I haven’t started my period, my boobs hurt, and I’m craving really random foods (last time all I could think about was having a thanksgiving dinner lol) but idk, I take a test and it says negative…so I have no idea whats going on.   I really wish my boyfriend would understand my feelings a little bit more, talking about it with him is truly theraputic for me. My whole life I’ve kept in all my feelings which has made me crack quite a few times, and now I finally have my soulmate where I can express everything I’m feeling, but I just feel like I cant with this…. he knows I want a baby really badly, and I’ve asked him a few times, if I got pregnant again would he ask me to have an abortion again and he said absoultely not, but idk what my mom would do. I know my dad would support me, hes very against abortion as I am, but my mom has had 2-3 abortions in her life time so I know her opinion on  the subject. She just doesnt understand why I cant get over it. She is always saying she got over it very fast, and I did some research and women who do it on their own free will are less likely to have as much guilt about it as women who do it against their wishes.  I just feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I want a baby more than anything, but I’m scared that if I do, my mom would kick me out of the house and I’d have no where to go, unless my dad takes me in. I’m not scared that I’ll lose my boyfriend, not one bit. He’s my rock, my everything, and he’s with me no matter what happens.     

What should I do?? Help!