I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant. I took a number of tests to make sure I was. I never thought this would happen to me out of all the people. I knew, even when my mum got pregnant at such a young age, you would of thought I would of known better. I was the last out of my main friends to have sex, but the first to get pregnant. How bizarre.

It all started when I met this lad through one of my friends. He was much older than me; he was 19, but he was a nice genuine lad and treated me like I meant something. We started talking then it all began from there, I guess. I used to go to his house a lot of the time but I wasn’t cining him. I didn’t want to get cining anyone after my last relationship ended badly. He picked me up from places, he was always there when I needed him sometimes. I never respected him for what he used to do, but you learn from your mistakes, I guess. I slept at his house a number of times, but he never once tried anything on with me. Finally, I ended up getting with him. It was going great. Then one night, I had sex with him using no contraception. How stupid of me.

I got up that morning and told my best mate and she took me straight to the walking centre for the morning after pill. I thought to myself, I’m never going to have unprotective sex again. But saying one thing & doing another is something else. I had unprotective sex with him a number of times but one time we did it. I just knew I was pregnant from then on but I never thought to check. My friends were saying I should check just in case so my first pregnancy test came up positive but I just knew it wasn’t right, I can’t be. Then I took another 2 tests and it still didn’t convince me that I was. So early September, I went to the walking centre and took one with the doctor and she said I was. My feelings that day were indescribable. It just felt like my whole world was crashing down & there was nothing I could do about it. Still, I was in denial about myself. Where was I meant to go from there?.

I told my sister first that I was. I remember her face looking disappointed in me, a face of shame & anger but she was there for me every step of the way, & I thanks her for everything, she’s irreplaceable. Then I told my main friends but it was difficult. They all had mixed feeling and opinions about me, but I wasn’t too fussed what they fought as long as I knew what was going on. It was a long hard decision I had to make, with one of my mates being a strong believer that abortion was wrong. It confused me even more & I felt like I couldn’t think about what I wanted and what was for the best. I knew the next person I had to tell was my boyfriend. After all, he was the father & he did have a right to know. It felt really hard to tell him I was. I thought he would just leave me, and call me a stupid girl or something. I really didn’t know what to expect.

That night, I phoned him. I was very nervous, and worried about what he would say, but he was very supportive & offered to come down to see if I was okay and that, so it wasn’t really something for me to get worked up about!. That night, I ended up finishing him. I knew it was for the best, i mean if he can’t be bothered to use a condom then why should i be arsed with him. Days went on & I became weaker & weaker as time passed on. Being unable to talk to anyone or discuss what I was going through was tearing me apart. Some days, I would come home from school and cry for hours on end. I just felt like nothing could become any worse than what it already was. Weeks passed on & my sister was telling me I need to make a decision & stick by it. I fought long and hard that night, thinking about positive & negative points. I finally came to the decision that I would abort the baby. I mean, I had no money, no life, and no father what could I offer the baby. I had nothing left to give. I told my friends about my final decision. People tried to change my mind but I had to stick to my guns and thinks about what was best, i just ignored other people’s opinions & tried to act as normal as I could. I mean, what else could I do. Then the nights when I got in from school, that was when I broke down and showed my true feelings towards what was happening.

Abortion day: I remember this day as if it yesterday. Friday, the 12th of October, I got up early that morning as the appointment was at half past 9. I remember getting up that day & getting ready, but crying & shaking. It was unstoppable I couldn’t stop it. Millions of things were running wild round my head. I couldn’t focus on anything except what was I was about to do. We arrived at the hospital and sat in a room, waiting to be called in. There was lots of other girls in the room. They were much younger than I was 13, 14. It was weird sitting there, knowing all these other girls where going through the same things I was going through. I just sat there. I tried to focus myself. Time after my name was called out, it felt like being called in the headmaster’s office when you’ve done something wrong, Just sayin someone’s name means their next in line to get rid of this little life inside of me. I Came into the doctor’s office and then this man was sayin I can back out of this at anytime. I didn’t even think. I just said no & tried not to think about it. After the first pill, I didn’t feel anything. My mind was taking the pain for me. My emotions were all over the place. I couldn’t think straight. I remember coming out of the office and crying for the first time in front of my siter, I felt ashamed. My sister just said stay strong, you don’t want to worry the other girls. When I  took the second pill, the pain was horrible. It was like having cramp pains but for hours on end. That day ended so fast. It was the biggest choice I’ve ever made and to be honest, I feel like I regret doing what I did, but you have to keep your head up and move on cause you can’t change the past.

From then on, let’s just say it been a long & difficult journey, it’s not something you just forget about. Every morning I get up, I think about what I’ve done. It will live on forever in my heart.

This website has help me express what I’ve been through. It’s something that other people have been though, so I guess it’s someone to talk to & I hope lots of other girls can read my blog and refer to me. (: