I am crying right now as I write this. I guess it’s part of the healing process on my journey towards acceptance. I saw Tim Mcgraw last night and heard "Red Rag Top" and just cried the whole time… I had an abortion a week ago, so the pain is still so real I can hardly breathe without feeling the emotional pain.

I found out I was pregnant via a Walmart packaged test. Those two lines were the what I felt were the downfall of my life. I am an educated college student, at the age of 22. I felt ashamed because I knew the methods of birth control, and had been on them up until two months before conception. I felt so stupid for being pregnant when I could have prevented it.

I had been in an on again, off again relationship with a guy for two years. He was also dating someone else who used to be my friend so there was almost a "no strings attached" kind of thing happening. I was in love
with him and couldn’t bear to demand anything that he didn’t want for fear of losing him, but silly me I lost him anyway.

He knew before I even had to tell him. He said I just felt
different and questioned me before I even told him. Two days later, I took the test and found out I was pregnant. I called him but he wasn’t there so I left a message for him to call me back. When he called me back I asked him if he was alone and he said no, and that he would call me back when he was alone. I told him and then right away said quickly that I was getting an abortion.

A week later I went for the ultra sound and found out I was 5 weeks pregnant and I could get what is called a medical abortion. I had to come back and take a pill to start the abortion, and I could go home and take 4
more within 72 hours.

It cost $450 and I asked my partner if he could help because I had no money. I was borrowing $350 from a couple friends and needed him to come up with the rest. I called him the night before and he was out with his friends and he didn’t know if he could come up with the money. We’ve had minimal contact up until this point, because I kept thinking I wanted to keep it and he kept telling me it was going to ruin his life. He was enlisted to join the navy and it could effect his eligibility if I had the baby.

So, I woke up the next morning, and he called saying he didn’t have the money. I went and borrowed money from another friend. And headed up to receive the pills and get on with this. I went and got the first pill and then drove home.

I went to NYC to my friends to take it. The whole bus ride I was sick, and actually told this girl next to me that I was expecting and was so happy about the pregnancy. I got off the bus and couldn’t do it. I went home the next day and called him telling him I didn’t take it and that I wasn’t going to… he didn’t call me for 3 days. He told me he was mad at me, and that I had to do it.

I cried and cried and cried. He called me telling me that I needed support and that he would be there this weekend for me. I told him I didn’t trust him, and he said he would just have to prove it to me. I continued to
cry.

I knew I’d always wanted children, and I was graduating from college in December, so I could support a baby and live comfortably … but in the back of my mind the whole time was him telling me it would destroy him. What about it destroying me? I knew he wasn’t going to be in the child’s life for 4 years because he was going to be stationed somewhere else, but I didn’t really care. I thought I could handle it … but he wanted me to get an abortion and I loved him so I did it.

I sat on the toilet and watched in horror as golf ball sized clots came out of me, and screamed in excruciating pain as my baby was ripped from its safe haven inside my belly. Then I wiped, grossly looking at it, and there, upturned on the piece of toilet paper was a little head. It was no bigger than half the pad on my pinkie finger, but you could see the eye sockets, two slits for nostrils, and a slit for the mouth. This vivid image haunts me
whether I am awake, asleep, working or driving. When it was done, I was numb.

Its been a week. I haven’t heard from the guy since, and no matter how many times I call him, he just doesn’t care. I am alone in this since I have only told 4 of my friends and none of them live near me. I feel empty and depressed and don’t know if I will ever regain a normal life. I am now questioning if I want to go back to college… if its worth the struggle. I don’t want to ever have sex again, or fall in love, or have children. I made the most monumental mistake of my life and I will pay for it everyday I am living.I can try and continue a normal life, but as they say… "A heart never forgets."

Jill

Jill | SaphireStarlet@aol.com

Dear Jill,

As I began to read your e-mail I felt almost like I was there with you. I wept for you and wished that I could be there for you. Just to sit with you, listen to you, give you a big loving friendly hug from one woman to another.

It would help you so much if you could get into a group where there are other women that have experienced that same thing that you have. Abortion and regrets. You can go to www.optiononline.org , type in your city and state and find a list of centers near you that have post abortion services. Call and see if they do the "Forgiven and Set Free" post abortion group. I promise you…this will be the tool that the Lord can use to help set you free from your pain and grief. It will help to talk to others who have expereinced pain as you have felt and learn how to forgive yourself. Jill-will you keep in touch with me? E-mail me if you need anything? Jill, I care about you, I care about your broken heart. I want to help you through this–so please, from here on out, don’t feel alone. Though I’m quite a few miles away–its like I’m right there with you. I will be praying for you. Please let me know how you are.

Luv,

Lisa

Becky and Lisa | dearbecky@standupgirl.com