It really hard coping with things ever since November 16, 2005 – the day I had the abortion. I don’t even want to go to school, or go out. I cant concentrate in school and haven’t talked to the boy since. He was supposed to pay for the abortion, but hasn’t. I have a boyfriend now, he knows what I went through, and is helping me a lot. I just hope that you can share this with other girls, and I hope i! t makes an impact on their decision of getting an abortion. Because abortion does hurt. Mentally and Emotionally.

Dear Becky,

I am 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. I had gotten pregnant by my ex boyfriend in September. We weren’t together at the time, but we were still talking and seeing each other everyday, and of course were still having sex. One night I told him I thought I was pregnant. He looked on the computer and asked me if I felt any of the symptoms from a list he read to me. I was really! scared and I didn’t even want to think about it. The next day I took a test and it said I was pregnant. He told me that he wanted me to have an abortion but would support any decision I would make. I didn’t believe the test so within about a month I took 7 tests and they all said I was pregnant, but yet I still couldn’t believe it. He told me I was in denial. Then he made an appointment with his friend to take me and get an abortion, which I was against. When I finally told him no he flipped out and said he wasn’t going to deal with me.

After about a month and a half of knowing I was pregnant I still couldn’t tell my dad. I was alone, scared, and didn’t know what to do. The boy who gotten me pregnant had a new girlfriend and stopped talking to me. I had finally told someone, his sister, who told his mom. His whole family was pressuring me to get an abortion, and told me if I didn’t tell my dad in 5 days, they would.

I finally told my Aunt, and I was really scared. She told me she would tell my dad, because I just couldn’t do it, I was too scared of what he would do or say. When she was downstairs telling my dad I locked myself in her room with my 4 year old little cousin. My family also was pressuring me to have an abortion, all they kept asking was whats your plan, whats your plan, what are you going to do. In my heart I wanted the baby and I knew I was strong and could do this. If my mom was 15 and had a baby, I thought I could too. A part of me was excited and amazed of life and all the things that was happening to my body.

Every week I would look up whats happening in my body now. Finally my dad called the boys mom and they came to my house. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he didn’t want to know what it is, see it, or help me raise it, and that he would send me child support every month, but that’s all I would be, a check.

My dad then said I was getting an abortion, I was too scared to say no, even though I didn’t want to get it done. I was scared what he would do, or say, and I didn’t want to be an even bigger disappointment to him. The day we went to the clinic my heart was just so broken. I wanted so bad to just leave and run away, but I couldn’t tell my dad how I felt, I couldn’t tell anyone.

When I saw the ultrasound I was so amazed, I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant. I went out to my dad and asked if we could postpone this that I wanted to think about it some more, he said no get it over with now. All i could think when I was in the room with all the other girls waiting was how can you just throw life like this away. It would be someones cousin, someones best friend, have so many memories, I didn’t know if it would be a girl or a boy, or what I would name it or anything. I was crying, I wanted someone, anyone to just ask me are you sure this is what you want to do, so I could scream no and just run and leave. Nobody did though, all they said was it was $430 dollars, In my head I was like what, $430 to kill a person. I eventually went in and got the abortion. Ever since I been grieving and in so much pain. I regret it so bad. If I could turn back time I would. I been writing poems about my situation, and want to share one with you. Well here it is :

{josquote}This day brought me so much pain, and gave me so much shame.
I remember this day so clear, how it brought me so much fear.{/josquote}

I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep, what I did is the reason I weep.
I feel so bad, and my heart is so sad. If only I could turn back time, then you would still be mine.

Your daddy didnt want you, and mine said I couldn’t have you.
If only I put up a fight, and stood up for what I thought was right.

I sat there in that clinic thinking, hoping, wishing.
I was crying inside, I couldn’t breathe, if only I had got up to leave.

Those papers, the ones I had to sign that said!
I was letting you go, inside my heart was screaming out no.

I wish I had stood up to him, and said the things I couldn’t say, then you would still be here today.
I saw you on the ultrasound, I was told you were 9 1/2 weeks old.

I sat in the bathroom to cry, because I didn’t want my baby to die.
They said you weren’t alive, but how is that so, you had hands and feet and a heartbeat.

The other girls said it would be okay, but I didn’t think that way.
Nobody was on my side, I wanted to run and hide.

The lady called me in to do what I knew was a sin.
I went in and layed on the bed, getting ready for what was ahead.

The doctor drugged me, and before I knew it, I was passed out in recovery.
I opened my eyes and saw blood, all I could think was what have I done.

That was life and innocence that they took away, if only I had said what I wanted to say.
Nobody will ever know how I feel inside, or the tears that Ive cried.

What Ive done has broken my he! art and is tearing my life apart.
I think about you all the time, wishing you were still mine.

Ill always wonder what you were going to be, a he or a she.
Or what I would of named you, and how I would of raised you.

All I really know is that I would of loved you.
Sometimes I want to replace you, but you cant replace the baby thats already gone.

After it was done, he was so relieved, but all Ive done for the past 3 months was grieved.
The sin that I did, I did it for him.

It really hard coping with things ever since November 16, 2005 – the day I had the abortion. I don’t even want to go to school, or go out. Whenever I see a pregnant woman I remember about myself and get upset. I cant concentrate in school and haven’t talked to the boy since. He was supposed to pay for the abortion, but hasn’t. I have a boyfriend now, he knows what I went through, and is helping me a lot. I just hope that you can share this with other girls, and I hope i! t makes an impact on their decision of getting an abortion. Because abortion does hurt. Mentally and Emotionally.

Heather.

Hi Heather,

My name is April and I help Becky answer emails for Stand Up Girl.

I don’t even know what to say. I am really hurting for you. I’m so sorry you were forced to have an abortion. That was not fair to you or your baby. I’m just so sorry for you.. I wish more than anything you could go back and redo everything. I feel like I don’t have any words that are adequate. . .

I loved your poem. It made me cry. It was really good and well written. I think it would be good to put on the website. Can I have your permission to put it up along with your email? Keep writing about this situation. It is good and a healthy way to deal with all this. Choose a name for your baby if you would like.

You seem really mature. It amazes me that you at 15 know this is life and see life as being precious, but others who are older than you only saw your baby as something that should be removed. Let me refer you to a place where you can talk with other women who have also had abortions. It’s an abortion support group. It’s free and you would benefit from it. I highly recommend it. It is a great tool for restoration.

The first thing you can do is write to Lisa. We work together and she has experienced two abortions. Her email address is Lisa@standupgirl.com. Lisa is an amazing person and I think very highly of her. She would literally LOVE to talk with you.

You can also go to a pregnancy resource center that has a post-abortion program. Most of the time these programs are run by women who have also had abortions and have been there and have gotten help and healing. Here is how to look up a center. Go to http://www.optionline.org/advantage.asp or you can call 1-800-395-HELP. At the website all you have to do is type in your zip code and a list of centers will appear. Just call the center and tell them that you need post abortion care. They should be able to get you into a free program to get the help you need.

Also, you can to to rachelsvineyard.org. They offer weekend retreats. If you are not interested you can at least peruse the website. They have a lot of really good information.

I hope that this helps. Feel free to write.
April

Hi April,

I give you permission to put my poem and email up on the website. Thank you for writing me back. Its just good to finally talk to someone that actually understands and heard what i needed to say, for the first time through out the past couple of months. I cant talk to anyone about how I feel, nobody listens or understands, but its great that this website is here and that I can talk to people like yourself on it. Thanks for giving me information and places I can call or go to talk about what happened and help recover, I’ll look into it.

– Heather