Nothing Is Ever Gonna Be The Same
Hello, my name is Brandi. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. At first I was all sorts of confused. My parents kicked me out of my house. I was living with my boyfriend and his family. It was horrible. I was forced to tell my Mom and stepfather that I was […]
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Hello, my name is Brandi. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. At first I was all sorts of confused. My parents kicked me out of my house. I was living with my boyfriend and his family. It was horrible. I was forced to tell my Mom and stepfather that I was pregnant the day before my 17th birthday.

Hello, My name is Brandi. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. At first I was all sorts of confused. My parents kicked me out of my house. I was living with my boyfriend and his family. It was horrible.

I was forced to tell my Mom and stepfather that I was pregnant the day before my 17th birthday. On my birthday no one in my entire family even called me or anything. I was all alone. I felt completely unwanted by everyone.

My boyfriend was mad at me and confused. He thought I planned to get myself pregnant. Just so I could keep him. Which of course wasn’t true? Why would I want to ruin my untire life and future just to stay with a 19 year old boy?

I was all alone in this matter and completely scared. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Everyone was nagging me. My so called friends, My boyfriends family, People at school, ect. I just wanted to end all the confusion and hurt. I wanted my life back.

I kept saying to myself, ” Nothing is ever gonna be the same. Everything is changed for good. ” No matter the decision I made I would never become who I once was.

Finally my Mom called and wanted to talk. I agreed even though I was still hurt that kicked me out on the streets when I needed her the most. I wasn’t sure still what I wanted to do. Keep the baby and make my life a little more difficult or get an abortion and live with the fact that I was a murder.

I thought a lot about what others would say. My parents wanted me to get an abortion and thought nothing of it. My boyfriend’s parents wanted me to keep it. My friends all thought it was all cool and stuff but would think differently if I got an abortion. All confused and didn’t know what I wanted.

Joey, my boyfriend and I were fighting a lot and finally I figured if I just went through with an abortion I could end everything. The hurt I caused my family, the fighting between my boyfriend and I, the small talk at school. I could just as acted like nothing ever happened. But I knew I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. But could I really do that? Could I act like nothing ever happened and really mentally be OK with that?

I went and called my Mom told her to pick me up and I told her to make me an appointment to get an abortion. She asked me if that was what I really wanted or if I was just saying it because I was mad and upset with Joey? I told her to make the appointment that was what I really wanted. Of course I lied, but hey I figured in a couple of days it would all be over. Like another chapter in a book. you read it, forgot it, and moved on to the next chapter.

I didn’t tell anyone what I planned on doing. Not even Joey. My plan was to go to the clinic get it over with and tell everyone that I miscarried. That way no one would think bad of me, and would end the pain between Joey and I. Nobody would ever know the truth. Not even my best friend. Hell I never even discussed it with her. So I went back to Joey’s acted like nothing was going on.

The day came for me to go to the clinic. I was nervous, scared, and once again all alone. We arrived early at the clinic and while my mother and I waited people came over to give me pamphlets about abortion. I looked at them and I saw these pictures of how they do abortions and they were horrible. When we went inside I had to fill all these papers out.

The only thing I could think of when I signed the papers was the pictures in the pamphlets. How those innocent babies looked as they were murdered. It wasn’t there fault. Why should they have to suffer I though? It felt like I was signing my life away.

Then all I could think about was Joey. How if he ever found out about me doing this he would hate me. He would never look at me the same. He would think I was a murder. I though that I would never see him happy ever again. He would never hold me. And we’d never be the same.

But then I realized that no matter what decision I made we were never going to be the same. Happy or unhappy. Friends or not. Everything has already changed. I couldn’t turn back time, If I could would I?

I finished with the paper work and handed it in. I sat back down in my seat and curled myself into a ball. As I waited tears started to fall down my face. One by one. I looked at all the other people in the room and thought how can so many people do something like this. Some people that were there acted like nothing was wrong. Like it didn’t even faze them. I looked over at my mother and she had fallen asleep with her head against the wall. All I could say to myself in my head was all these people are heartless. Even my own mother. She acted like it was a regular doctors appointment. Like she didn’t even care that I was going to kill her grandchild.

My name was called and I walked in the room. The nurse took my blood, blood pressure, urine sample, all that dumb stuff. Then she looked into my eyes and asked if I was here on my own free will. I pulled my face away from her and looked down and mumbled the word yes. She knew. She knew the whole time I never wanted to be there. It was like she looked into my eyes and saw my pain. But when she said that I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I was scared and felt sick to my stomach. She looked at me again and said, ” You don’t have to do this. There are other ways I could handle this. I knew that, But I didn’t know how to tell her I didn’t want to go through with it. So I just nodded my head and went into the room.

She told me to get undressed and put on the gown. So I did. I lied on my back waiting for the doctor to come in. It felt like forever. The doctor came in along with the nurse. The doctor gave me an internal check up first then they were going to start. My legs were in the stirrups and the nurse went to put the IV in my arm.

My heart was racing and I freaked out. I screamed, ” I can’t do this!” The nurse backed away and so did the doctor.

He asked me, ” Are you sure this is what you want?” I sat up with tears pouring down my face and me sobbing out of breath and I blurted out the word YES! I was sure.

The doctor left the room and as he did I kind of felt a little relieved. The nurse asked if I was OK and then the next question she asked was were you forced here? I looked at her and said, ” I just don’t want my mother to hate me anymore.” She knew. She knew the whole time. She asked me if I wanted to stay and talk to her or the counselor about my choices. I said no. I knew what I had to do and I knew what really felt right to me.

I felt a little better knowing that I have finally made up my mind about it though. Now the only thing I had to do now was to look my mother in the face and tell her that I was going to keep my baby. I admit I was scared she was going to hate me, but as I walked out into the waiting room I just kind of stood there and looked at her. She knew. I could see it in her eyes. She knew that I wasn’t going to go through with it. She knew it before we even left the house in the morning.

We left the clinic and went home. The whole ride home was completely quite. Nothing was ever said. As we pulled into the driveway I got out and got into my car. I went to find Joey. And when I did I just walked up to him with no facial expression and curled into his arms and asked him if he loved me. Yes was his answer and I knew that we could make this work. He told me that we could to.

After that my mother asked me to move back in so I did. I felt more comfortable in my own bed and I really missed my cat. I ended up dropping out of school to work full time. I worked 2 jobs the whole time I was pregnant. And saved as much as I could. Joey and I were always fighting. He never saved his money and was only working one job. He would always be high or drunk with his friends. It felt like he didn’t even care about me or his unborned baby.

So we always fought and broke up several times. We always ended back up with each other but it just wasn’t the same anymore. Sometimes I would even pick fights with him just because I was jealous. He got to hang out with his friends and party all the time and I was always working my but off. I had to grow up all on my own and he didn’t have to.

Finally I got so fed up with him, all his lies and bullshit I started to hate him. I hated how he treated me, how acted around his friends, how lied to me and his entire family about everything. He would take off on the weekends and never even call me. Never retuned my pages. I didn’t care anymore. He reminded me a lot like my own father. Someone who doesn’t care about anything but themselves. And I knew how that worked. I grew up knowing how it felt to be rejected. Frankly it didn’t hurt me anymore, but I didn’t want him to hurt my baby like my father hurt me.

So I stopped letting him get to me. If he wasn’t around, I didn’t look for him. If he didn’t call, I didn’t page him. If he paged me, I wouldn’t call him right back. He came around a little and hopefully he’ll improve some more. But now he knows that I don’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore, and that I’m not going to be fat and pregnant forever. Things are still a little bumpy between us and things with my Mom got better. She can’t wait until the baby is born and neither can I. I will be having a baby girl on October 6th, 2001. And I can’t wait. Thanks for Listening.



Dear Brandi,

CONGRATULATIONS! By the time you read this, you will probably already have welcomed your new little one into the world! I’ve been thinking of you and praying for you a lot lately and only ’til now have been able to write you.

You are one brave person. Good for you. You have made the right choice, one you will never have to regret. Babies are such a gift. I’m so glad to hear that your mother is supportive. That will make all the difference in the world in the days to come.

My parents were supportive too, eventually. My father really freaked out when I first told him I was pregnant, and my mother just sat and cried and held me. That was one of the hardest moments for my boyfriend and I. He was supportive right from the very beginning, which made a huge difference. We ended up getting married and going on to have more children. We are so thankful for the way everything has turned out.

It was really hard for me in the beginning though,missing my period and then having to go to a clinic all on my own to find out that yes I was pregnant. I remember breaking down crying and feeling so scared. I kept it a secret for awhile. Nobody knew, not even my room mate at school. I saw my body changing, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. I felt fat. I was sick and alone. My boyfriend was wonderful, but he was 12 hours away. We talked on the phone… and we planned to get married, a little sooner than we had originally planned.

I finished up my semester at school and then we got married. Work was hard to find in the town we were living in, so we moved out West. It was exciting, but so far away from our families and friends. We had to learn how to stand on our own two feet and have a home to welcome our child into. We went through some tough times.

Soon our new little daughter was born. What a beautiful baby! I remember feeling such awe, looking at her and feeling so grateful for her. She has been such a bright light in our lives. Our struggles, if we stand up and face them, can make us stronger. We can become better people. You are a strong person to stand up and make that decision to keep your baby, even though you had pressure from even those close to you to end that baby’s life. I am so happy for you. You have chosen what is right and even though you will have struggles, you will be rewarded a thousand times over for the sacrifices you have made. I would love to hear how you are doing now. Please write back.


Becky |


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