Hi, my name is Helen in the uk and I am forty three years old .When I was twenty -five I was very in love with a 27 year old man who was partially involved with another  more established relationship than what we had .He lived in London and I lived in Sheffield .When he found out I was pregnant he told me over the phone that he "did not want it" and was hugley cold with me .I went into {a panic that night and rushed straight off to the doctors whose only advice was to not have an abortion for financial reasons .I was very confused and in emotional pain because of the profound rejection because my man acted as if he hated me .I rushed to make an appointment at the local hospital .During the time I waited I saw him once but he just sat there coldly and silently  for a day or so and I felt I was dying inside.I said to him " If you loved me we could have  this baby " and" You told me that you loved me " he said " Well I  was wrong ".He left when his friend was beeping his horn outside my flat.I was crying unstoppably and he told me I had done enough crying but that was nineteen years ago and I still cry regularly .I became very depressed after the abortion but sunk myself into my work as a trainee mental health nurse .Six months after him refusing to speak to me he consented to see me and shortly after he wanted to go out with me and seemed quietly remorseful.I have never  found out what his true feelings were except that he was very scared and that if I had killed myself over him abandoning me then he would have done something to himself .It was the most painful six months , living on my own , afterwards and all of our mutual friends avoided me completely which is why I went out with him again to get my self esteem and dignity back by making them see that he did love me after all.We went out in a long distant relationship way for another three years but I could never feel permission to get angry or talk about my feelings .When we went on holidays he would become withdrawn which was a sign that he didn't handle stress well and I believe that he had been scared enough to pretend he didn't care for me when he really did .We finished in 1993 and really I haven't looked back , I built on my career as a nurse and in 1997 I met my husband and we now have two beautiful sons aged eight and eleven.I am now  a psychotherapist and I believe I had to go through that painful mistake to find myself and what real love is all about .I still grieve the baby because I am a loving person and would definitely have had the baby if my boyfriend hadn't acted so cruelly and for so long , during the time before and after the pregnancy.I don't keep in contact and hope one day I will completely forgive him .I partly do but also feel he should have apologised somewhere along the line .I know he has successfully avoided parenthood because of his own father being cruel and irresponsible.My feelings towards the baby are of sadness that I didn't have him or her but more recently I have felt deep sadness to wards my inner feelings and wish to apologise to my true self inwards .My dreams still suggest at times how I was let down so much by him , friends and family who all couldn't see the lovely potential in me at the time .I would like to say to any girls and women who are in danger of being conned to hang in there and not go through the abortion before talking to a counsellor so you can really hear your body talking as mine does which says it wishes I hadn't gone through with it .I do have a happy life but no child will ever replace the one I lost and this has got in the way of my feeling free to enjoy the children I do have in a very spontaneous way.So don't do it is my advice it is not worth paying the price of decades of depression inside instea dof maybe hard work but having the rewards of pride , joy and love .With love from helen xxx………………………