So this is my story… It’s long and confusing so I will do my best to keep it as simple as possible.

I’m 19, but this all started when I was 16… I met this boy at the place I worked. He was really nice and we became fast friends… We ended up spending every day together… but we were both seeing other people so nothing came out of it. we were just good friends…

After a while, we both realized we had feelings for each other. And we broke it off with our others to see what happened between us. And let me tell you. it was amazing. He became my best friend. He was there for me when my dad hit me… He taught me to stand up to him and protect myself. He was there for me when I decided enough was enough and I moved out at the age of 17 to get away from my father. He was even there when I decided to move 8 hours away to go to college… He still supported me even though it meant we would only see each other once a month….

Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done… We talked every day. And I missed him terribly… At this time, I was still a virgin. and I wanted the man that I loved to be my first… not some random guy…. and he wasn’t… He never pressured me into anything… He knew I’d do it when I was ready…. and so I left for college… We talked every night for hours… We texted all day long… and I came home once a month to see him…. We were amazing. I loved him to death…

And around February, we got into our first big fight…. and we both said a  lot we didn’t mean… but we ended up not talking for 2 months! I tried calling him every day, crying into his voicemail… telling him I was sorry for causing the fight and that I missed him and loved him… but I never got an answer… After a while, I stopped calling and I started hanging out with another boy…but I still loved my ex so much…. One day, I found out he was dating another girl…. I fell apart…. He promised me he would never leave and that he’d always be there for me and that it would be him and I forever… We talked about our kids and where we were going to live and pets and everything… I was planning on marrying him….but I found out he was dating someone else…

And so I told myself that if he was over me, I needed to get over him… So I did something very stupid… Since my virginity was going to be my gift to him, something i wanted him to have… I decided that i didn’t want to keep it anymore, that I didn’t want it to be special because it would only make it harder because I loved him so much… So this guy I was talking to at the time, I ended up having sex with…. like 3 times… And soon after, he started talking to me again…. and I could ever keep anything from him…. So I told him what happened and he said he only had the girlfriend to make me jealous… and I felt horrible and I hurt him so much by sleeping with this other kid… because he knew that I was going to give him my virginity when I was ready to… He was so hurt that I could do something like that…. but we decided that we could still be best friends…

So from feb to august, we were just friends… I didn’t go home to visit and he kept the girlfriend he had… and I tried to get over him…. and I thought I was getting there… And than on august 8th, I was in a horrible car accident… It rolled my car 5 times across the mass turnpike… I was taken to the hospital and had emergency surgery… and the first thing I thought was if I die, he won’t know how much I still love him…. and he was the first person I called… And when I got home, he was the only person I wanted to see…

I ended up having half of my thumb amputated and really screwing up my left hand…. and he was there by my side through it all… But he still had a girlfriend and she didn’t like that he was with me so much… But he didn’t care… I was his best friend and I almost died. He wasn’t leaving my side… and he never did… I had a lot of emotional problems and physical ones… and no matter what time or when, he would always be there for me…drop whatever he was doing to be by my side when I needed him… One day, I finally got the courage to tell him I still loved him… and he told me he didn’t feel the same anymore… that he was happy with his current girlfriend… and that all he wanted out of our relationship was best friends… So I swallowed it…and I was his best friend…

Well, after a month or 2, he and his girlfriend broke up and he and I have always been attracted to each other… and I still love him. So on his birthday…. we ended up finally having sex… I was shaking so bad because I had waited 4 years for that… Even though he wasn’t my first, it still meant a lot…but we decided to keep it as best friends…. not dating… Which is hard for me because even now, I still love him so much… He has always been there and always will…. We had sex twice and that has been it…

But I’m now spotting…. I don’t have a flow… My breasts are tender and sore, I’m soooo moody…and I never am….. I’m on the pill but I missed one at the beginning of October…. and my period is always the same….. and it’s very odd right now… I’m hungry a lot too and I’m scared because I’m only 19 but I’m ook with it because I know he would never let me go through this alone… He’d be by my side through it… We’ve been through everything together… But I haven’t told him I think I might be pregnant yet because I don’t want to worry him when it might be nothing…

All this is just happening at a very bad time… I just had my thumb amputated 2 months ago… and I’m still healing and recovering and such… and I’m trying to get back into school for the January semester…. and now I might be pregnant…

My parents are very old-fashioned and this isn’t going to sit well with them…. And I’m scared that if I am and my dad hits me, it will hurt the baby… but I’m OK with either or… being or not being, I just hate not knowing….

So if anyone has any advice or feedback on my story, just let me know… I’d love to talk to someone about everything.

Thanks.

bopeep