|dedicated to Kennah 10 Months ago|
I have known my boyfriend since beore I can remeber… we were the kids that are on the black and white cards in the grogery store. Adorable and fated to be with eachother. He moved away in fourth grade. He moved back to southern California our freshamn year of high school.. We started right where we left off, we were unseparable. He went to the brother school of the all girls Catholic school i went to. We became sexually active not to long afterward…My mother (a devout Catholic) would always inferr to be "careful" but never broached the subject of "safe sex" with me, because that was unholy and my body was a vessel for jesus.
I truly didnt want to burn in hell for our sins (sex) or as the nuns said our fornication. We stopped having sex. After a football game a stumbling defense man and a admiriing school girl created one of the most precius things known to man. I tried to convice myslef that I had missed my peirod becuase of stress from my overly competitive school, but one day it finally clicked. I did the first thing I can remeber against my parents wishes, I ditched school to go to planned parenthood. I was seven weeks pregnant. I didnt know what to do, I considered abortion for about five seconds I felt i had to protect our baby already! I went to tell my boyfriend. They had been cooking Garlic something for a family dinner. The minute the aroma reached my nostrils I was so nauseated I couldnt stand. We sat for dinner and I took one look at the pasta and ran to the guest bathroom and threw up. This was the lowest moment of my life (until then) sitting on the tile and him rubbing my back. His mother walked in and said " i will assume this was your fault" He didnt reply. When I recovered from the nausea. He sat me on his bed and aksed me if i was pregnant. Of course i responded with yes, and his expression never wavered. He told me everything would be alright and that he already had guessed I was. We told my parents within the next few days. I was too scarred to tell them, they didnt tolerate unwed mothers, and as hyped Catholics I was imagining my parents reaction was going to be good.. My boyfriend told them and i sat in the next room on the couch. You could have heard a pin drop, they told him to go home, but he refused. He was worried about me, and spent the night on the floor
outside my bedroom (My parents wouldnt let him sleep with me) The next morning I dressed in the uniform and walked downstairs like every other morning. This morning was different. Two tall, bald men stood in the kitchen. My parents explained to me this wasnt tolerated in this house, and i had two options abortion or a unwed mothers boarding school. That morning I packed my bags for my correctional schooling. My parents told everyone I had gone to summer camp early. I didnt even get to say goodbye to my Boyfriend. When I got there I was rooming with a girl who had a eating disorder. My boyfriend had no idea where I had gone, he begged my parents to tell me. He eventually told them, if they
didnt tell him where I was that he would tell teh church that I was pregnant. My parents never felt remorseful for sending me away.
I was miserable with women who were very sick.. with eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies, drug addictions and such. My parents went as far as to pick out a couple who lived in New York to adopt my daughter. I flatly refused this, she was my daughter and there was no way in hell I was going to give her up. Come hell or high water she was my baby our baby. After recieving informtaion about where I was my boyfriend convinced my mother to come get me. My mother arrived when i was seven months pregnant. She said we would strike a deal. I could keep my daughter if i promised to go to college in two years and finish high school. I agreed. The moment I saw my boyfriend at the airport I felt every emotion over the last five months melt. He held me for a long time and just told me to cry. When I was seventeen I gave birth to my daughter Kennah Deirdre… The day our daughter was born was the best day. She came with no sleep, fustration, and she tended to be very expensive, but it was worth it. No matter what our parents think. My daughter developed a pretty horrible cold a few weeks ago. I gave her tylenonl and other remedies but she couldnt shake it. Her cough seemed to develop deeper and deeper and became more and more raspy. I began to worry. My boyfriend said that if she wasnt better by Sunday then we would take her to the doctor. She didnt make it. As of early this week, my daughter was diagnosed with pnenomia. She is on a ventilator and unconscious. She is lifeless, no sparkle in her eyes or rosiness in her cheeks. She can't even cry she just moans. Last week Kennah was saying Mama and Dada. We began trying to teach her how to walk. She laughed and played with us. She was still our baby. I sit and watch her chest rise and fall, but this isnt normal and machine is doing it. I touch her face and stroke her arms. I whisper encouragment and tell her to have stregnth, but she doesnt respond. Its six o clock and my baby, the only thing in the world that depends on me and is my soul responsiblity is slipping away from me, and all I can do is watch. After all we have been through after all the
trials. I will never see her walk, or walk her up to the first day of
kindergaten, I will never take her to brownies, I will never cheer for her in any sports, I wil never take pictures of her going to her first high school dance. I will never watch her graduate high school, and I will never help her pick ot a white dress for the most important day of her life. I will never tell her how beautiful she is and tell her that he doesn't deserve her. Never will I do those things unless she fights. How is it I fought so hard to keep her, I went through so much pain to hold her and protect her, but in the end it hadnt mattered. This joy and blessing that was mine has slowly slipped from my open arms into oblivion. Her joy, smiles, dimples, and knowing look will always be at the back of my mind.. As I sit her and doctors fly in and out, to and from and all I want to do is push pause. I want to grab her and cradle what little life is left in her fragile body and conjole her to live. How is a life so small mean so much. Where is the justice in this? What has her life being taken accomplish. I cry and hold my boyfriend and he sits and crys and we mourn our daughter together. Doctors are telling us there isnt anything left. They medically cant do anything. It is in her. So should I fight for her plead with her, but what if she doesnt fight? Should I be mad that she didnt fight harder? How is that fair? My poor baby, my sweet angel.
God Bless you Kennah Deirdre..
Mommy loves you
This angel touched your hearts
She could not stay for long
She taught you though her courage
Now your tears of sorrow fall
For one day the skies will open
So till then, hold on
I got to hold her after she died. We took her off of life support, and I rocked her lifeless body and sand her favorite nursery rhyme to her. She was white and the other mothers in the ICU silently stare and pray they arent the next victims… That day…let alone those next few months roll all in one to me… I brought a baby with a cold into the hosiptal and left with a empty heart….
I wrote this almost a year ago.. Since then… her second birthday has come and gone… she wasnt there and no presents were given. Christmas has come a gone..again no smiling dimpled girl giggled. Its been a rough year..I lost my baby girl which I would never wish any woman to go through. I did however get married this past summer in Ireland. To my daughters father. During and around this time I found out I was pregnant with our second child, but due to all the emotional strain of guilt sadness, depression… I just obviously wasnt mentally ready to welcome another baby into my life being to grief stricken. I lost my baby about a month after my marriage.. another devastation in such a short time. As time goes on I get stronger, but her death day is coming around and it brings back the memories.. but slowly I believe my husband and I are loving eachother and plan on more children in the future just not too soon… Thanks for reading about my Kennah…Her life was a gift…
Her soul was too sweet for this earth…..