So here I am once again thinking about this when I have other things to do. I don't know if I love my son. I picture myself with my future children but not him. The last time I saw him I remember looking at him and thinking about how sad he looked. I seem to be unable to stand anybody touching me but I remember letting him touch me and holding him and wondering what he was thinking. People say he looks like me but I can't see any resemblance. All mothers seem to love their babies but I just can't. I actually don't love anyone and I don't think I will ever be able to. I feel like I should keep him because it's the right thing to do but is it. What can I live with? I can't help but thinking that if I were to give him up I would never think about him again. I think I would be a horrible mother to him.
The last time I saw him he looked sadder than any 4 year old should. He reminded me of me and how sad I always feel. It's like he knows about all the bad things that happened in his short life and he's thinking of all the things that are yet to come. I shouldn't think so pessimistically when I think about him. I just wish he would smile more often. I wish I could make him smile
I want him to be happy and I want to be happy and I know its not his fault that he came into this world the way he did but it might be easier if he weren't here. I feel such disgust when I think about his dad and I don't want to project that on to him.
I possibly just need to get over myself and stop being selfish. But I am too young to be thinking about such things.
I need to work harder and learn to love him. Who knows maybe once we have a new start just me and him and none of the past things will get better.
I am glad I didn't have an abortion because its wrong to kill a child but I can't help thinking it would be easier because I wouldn't be able to screw up his life