Hi my name is Stacie im not gonna hide my identity for the sake of poeple who dont like what ive done so heres my story. It was maybe 1 week before my birthday, my birthday was december 16th i was supposed to get my period maybe 2 weeks prior, and still nothing. My boyfreind of 10 months at that time gave me my christmas, birthday, and 10 month anniversary gift, it was a ring turquoise gem with two diamonds on the side. We knew i was pregnant we just didnt really wanna talk about it i was 15 he was 16 turning 17 in janurary. But after new years came i still didnt have my period, so i took a pregnancy test, well it was positive the only person i told was my boyfreind he was the only person i could trust. My parents well lets say they would not have been very supportive if they knew i was pregnant when i was. We both decided to have an abortion we talked about it for days thinking about our options. We were way too young to have a baby i couldnt even take care of myself at that point how was i supposed to carry a baby for 9 months and then take care of it? Adoption we never talked about it, my father abused me if he found out i was pregnant well he would have taken it into his own hands, that was never an option i wouldnt do that to my child. I wouldnt tell it im gonna give it to a nice family when it could die, when it could have brain damage from the times my father hit me when i didnt even know i was pregnant. Abortion was our only option the only reasonable option for us at that time. I believed in reincarnation, but also hoping that someday when im ready to have kids he would pick me to be his mother. I’ll explain why i called the baby a he later. So we went to the clinic i had to skip alot of classes at my school which was also catholic i might add. By the time the day was arriving everyone at school knew of course we denied we were pregnant and having an abortion. The day of the operation, i dont remeber much i was terrfied, in pain, they gave me a pill that made me dialte to about 5cm i think it was so they could get the tube in. Oh how i had the worst cramps due to that pill. The hospital had a therapist that came in she specializes in women dealing with abortion, we talked and i told her my main concern is that my parents dont find out, i dont even remember if i said goodbye or sorry to that child i cant remember. Before i knew it i was in the surgery room they dont put you under your awake, the nurses were really nice they held my hand and told me it was ok. All i remember is the worst pain imaginable it was only 5 mins, but it felt like 5 hours im not gonna lie to you im not gonna tell anyone it was easy and pain free because it wasnt. I think I blacked out after it was over because i woke up in my room again and my boyfreind being worried about me was amazing. All i remeber him saying is that he loved me and he was proud of me for being so strong, and then he put the ring he gave me on my finger again. He helped me so much, i cant even describe it. Oh and by the way dont bring light pads when you go bring real ones you bleed alot im telling my story yes but if anyone who is reading this is considering having anabortion im not gonna lie to you its painful but in my case it was worth it. After about a week of course my sister knew it was true and stuff and so did my best freind at the time. They kinda pressured me into telling my mom biggest mistake ever. She was upset, dissapointed, but kinda understood. and i appreciate that but the day before she knew i had an abortion she told me whoever has an abortion is gonna burn in hell and she would hate anyone who had an abortion, she’s Christian. But the big mistake is that my mom wanted to tell my dad, my alcholic, bi polar, abusive father. She said that she could lie to him he was her partner even though he tried to beat her every night but i never let him see my mom is 4 11″ really small, i always provoked my dad so he wouldnt beat my mother instead he beat me of course before all this even started my sister would go to her freinds house maybe a 20 min bike ride away because we live in the country but its a 5 min car ride to their house. but anyways i was always the one who get beat thats the reason i couldnt go through with adoption maybe not even keeping the baby. My father found out and oh god was it bad i wasnt allowed to leave my room rather go outside for a walk, mind you we live in the country where would i go? walk 10 hours to the city? I was basically being starved to death. my friend said i could go live with her for a month or so just until it blows over and stuff. My boyfreind was there through it with me but he lived in the city and i couldnt call him. text him so he didnt really know what was going on until monday came and i skipped class to go tell him. He flipped he said i couldt go back there and luckily his mom was kind enough to let me stay there. Ive lived there for 2 years, i have no contact with my parents only with my sister who is know in new foundland for university. But after a while i started to have dreams. dreams about a little boy that looked so much like my boyfreind when he was a kid. But this kid was about the same age that my child would have been if we kept him. He would always have a red ball and throw it across a feild and run after it and i would run after him but could never cathch him. I know what that interprets but. After about a year after i had the abortion i was clinically deppressed, not knowing it at the time, but i missed alot of school no matter how much i slept i still felt tired. its been maybe a year and a half and i didnt know i was deppressed until recently maybe 2 months ago and see i didnt have a family doctor so i signed up for one, i still havent gotten a call but i found another doctor and was able to get medication. But these dreams ive been having is this childs way of saying hes alright i guess and he forgives me because recently in my dreams he comes uo to hug me because im always crying in my dream and he tells me everything will be alright. And you know what it will but right now it doesnt feel like it. I do regret having the abortion, and although it hurts i know time will mend it but i believe it will take a lifetime to deal with. its not an easy desicion its not the “easy” way out its probably the hardest of the three options. I just want to say son i love you and i hope you will have a better life wether its with me or another family. Mommy loves you sweetheart xox