So here’s my story.

It was maybe 1 week before my birthday, December 16th. I was supposed to get my period maybe 2 weeks prior, and there was still nothing. My boyfriend of 10 months at that time gave me my Christmas, birthday, and 10-month anniversary gift. It was a ring turquoise gem with two diamonds on the side. We knew I was pregnant, we just didn’t really wanna talk about it. I was 15. he was 16, turning 17 in January. But after New Year’s came, I still didn’t have my period, so I took a pregnancy test. Well, it was positive. The only person I told was my boyfriend. He was the only person I could trust. My parents, well, let’s say they would not have been very supportive if they knew I was pregnant when I was.

We both decided to have an abortion. We talked about it for days, thinking about our options. We were way too young to have a baby. I couldn’t even take care of myself at that point. How was I supposed to carry a baby for 9 months and then take care of it? Adoption, we never talked about it. My father would have abused me if he found out I was pregnant. Well, he would have taken it into his own hands. That was never an option. I wouldn’t do that to my child. I wouldn’t tell it I’m gonna give it to a nice family when it could die, when it could have brain damage from the times my father hit me when I didn’t even know I was pregnant. Abortion was our only option, the only reasonable option for us at that time. I believed in reincarnation but also hoped that someday, when I’m ready to have kids, he would pick me to be his mother. I’ll explain why I called the baby a he later.

So we went to the clinic. I had to skip a lot of classes at my school which was also Catholic, I might add. By the time the day was arriving, everyone at school knew. Of course, we denied we were pregnant and having an abortion. The day of the operation, I don’t remember much. I was terrified and in pain. They gave me a pill that made me dilate to about 5cm. I think it was so they could get the tube in. Oh, how I had the worst cramps due to that pill. The hospital had a therapist who came in. She specializes in women dealing with abortion. We talked and I told her my main concern is that my parents don’t find out. I don’t even remember if I said goodbye or sorry to that child. I can’t remember. Before I knew it, I was in the surgery room. They don’t put you under, you’re awake. The nurses were really nice. They held my hand and told me it was OK. All I remember is the worst pain imaginable. it was only 5 mins, but it felt like 5 hours. I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m not gonna tell anyone it was easy and pain-free because it wasn’t. I think I blacked out after it was over because I woke up in my room again. My boyfriend being worried about me was amazing. All I remember him saying is that he loved me and he was proud of me for being so strong, and then he put the ring he gave me on my finger again. He helped me so much, I can’t even describe it. Oh and by the way, don’t bring light pads when you go bring real ones you bleed a lot. I’m telling my story yes but if anyone who is reading this is considering having an abortion. I’m not gonna lie to you it’s painful but in my case, it was worth it.

After about a week, of course, my sister knew it was true and stuff and so did my best friend at the time. They kinda pressured me into telling my mom, biggest mistake ever. She was upset and disappointed, but kinda understood. And I appreciate that, but the day before she knew I had an abortion, she told me whoever has an abortion is gonna burn in hell and she would hate anyone who had an abortion, she’s Christian. But the big mistake is that my mom wanted to tell my dad: my alcoholic, bi polar, abusive father. She said that she couldn’t lie to him. He was her partner even though he tried to beat her every night but I never let him. See, my mom is 4 11″, really small. I always provoked my dad so he wouldn’t beat my mother. Instead, he beat me. Of course before all this even started, my sister would go to her friend’s house, maybe a 20 min bike ride away because we live in the country, but its a 5 min car ride to their house. But anyways, I was always the one who get beat. That’s the reason I couldn’t go through with adoption, maybe not even keeping the baby. My father found out and oh was it bad. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room even to go outside for a walk. Mind you we live in the country. Where would I go? Walk 10 hours to the city? I was basically being starved to death. My friend said I could go live with her for a month or so just until it blows over and stuff. My boyfriend was there through it with me, but he lived in the city and I couldn’t call him or text him. So he didn’t really know what was going on until Monday came and I skipped class to go tell him. He flipped. He said I couldn’t go back there and luckily his mom was kind enough to let me stay there.

I’ve lived there for 2 years. I have no contact with my parents, only with my sister who is now in university. But after a while i started to have dreams. Dreams about a little boy that looked so much like my boyfriend when he was a kid. But this kid was about the same age that my child would have been if we had kept him. He would always have a red ball and throw it across a field and run after it and i would run after him but could never catch him. I know what that interprets but. After about a year after i had the abortion i was clinically depressed, not knowing it at the time, but i missed a lot of school no matter how much i slept i still felt tired. its been maybe a year and a half and I didn’t know i was depressed until recently maybe 2 months ago and see I didn’t have a family doctor so i signed up for one, I still haven’t gotten a call but i found another doctor and was able to get medication. But these dreams ive been having is this childs way of saying hes alright i guess and he forgives me because recently in my dreams he comes uo to hug me because im always crying in my dream and he tells me everything will be alright. And you know what it will but right now it doesnt feel like it. I do regret having the abortion, and although it hurts i know time will mend it but i believe it will take a lifetime to deal with. its not an easy desicion its not the “easy” way out its probably the hardest of the three options. I just want to say son i love you and i hope you will have a better life wether its with me or another family.

Mommy loves you sweetheart xox