It takes a lot of energy to not think of you, to force myself not to feel the flicker of my heart as it beats for you. The painful wrenching as I tear your heavy presence out of my very soul. The taste of your lips still haunt me, the touch of your skin, the very essence that which makes you whole. I can’t feel this way anymore. I’ve been running, pretending that I don’t still love you. I can’t admit those three words ever again. they were my greatest downfall. And yet they gave me my greatest gift you could of ever offered me. better than a ring. worth more than any priceless diamond.
Its a lie I tell the world, that I don’t love you. That I don’t long to have you hold me in your arms. Though sometimes I feel as though I am walking around naked, and everywhere that you had once touched, kissed, caressed is stained a bright red. your personal scarlet letter branded on my body. I quiver at the mention of your name. my face flushes and blushes. from the top of head to the tip of my toes I tingle with delight. Why can’t I see you. Here. Tonight.
I want you.I need you.I love you.
muttered words I barely mention in one single breath, words I want to shout for the roof tops but I can’t. you won’t let me. society won’t let me. It hurts. It burns. It kills me that I can’t have you. I lie to you. To me. I tell myself we can never be.That we “will” never be.
because I am afraid.
Afraid that if we “were” to ever really be together that we’d be so happy many would try and bring us down. That know and understand a love like ours. I doubt myself with these thoughts, feelings that these emotions are just figments of my wild imagination. That you never truly loved me. That you never will. I prepare my heart day in and day out. by now it is a soldier and has well earned its “stripes”.
I want to stop the ringing in my ears, I want to scream just so I won’t hear those thoughts, those jumbled words. Anything to help me from thinking about your face.