ok where do i start? how do i put into words the feeling? how do i sum up the worst day of my life on a blog?

im not sure is the answer i have……..i was so happy and everything was going so well and then it all changed and what hurts is it wasnt a quick change it was a slow and painful change.

i was about 9 weeks and my boyfriend started to have his 2nd episode of psychosis and it was hard he wouldnt come near me he would abuse me and wrestle me to the ground to get the car keys off me so he could try and kill himself…it was hard i know he didnt know what he was doing and he is sorry for it now……whilst all that was going on my older sister was being horrible and so was her boyfriend…i lived with my mum and there were too many people in the house..there was my mum, her boyfriend, me, my boyfrind, my little sister, my older sister and her boyfriend all in a 3 bedroom home..it was too much….on the 20th of august  early in the morning about a week into adams troubles and years of dealing with a drug addict sister, i woke up in terrible pain and i didnt know what to do so i rung to my friend and she took me straight to the hospital and they did an aultrasound and said they couldnt find a heart beat….i dont think i have ever felt a feeling of hurt that bad i burt into tears i got so hysterical the doctors had to sedate me…i dont remember much as i was in and out of sleep and crying…it was all a big blur…i spoke to the doctors the next day and they asked me what was going on and everything and i told them all about my troubles and they said i must have misscarraiged due to stress…..i felt like a failure, like it was my fault, that i had let all of these bad things get to me and that i had killed my baby….it has taken me a little while to pluck up the courage to write this blog but its making me feel a little bit better just letting it all out…

i only recently took another pregnancy test and it came as a faint positive so im going to get that checked out…..

but understand i am NOT trying to replace my baby…i will NEVER forget my baby..all i am trying to do is have a family with the one i love and its been very hard but i know i can get through all of the smokey haze that is bad things and see the little ray of sunshine that is my future……

R.I.P my little angel…..god gave you wings before i got to give you a cuddle…..we will meet up in heaven xxxxxx