When I told Alex he told me there was no way that he could be a father. He told me I was on my own. He basically told me to have an abortion. I should have turned to God. I should have trusted Him. Abortion was the easiest way out. My parents would never know that I slept with my boyfriend. My parents would not be humiliated. I would never have to live on social assistance.
Dear Becky,
Your web-site has been such a blessing to me. It has been an encouragement.
In 1997 I had given my life to God. I was 20 years old and after years of "rebelling" against my parents’ faith I had made me decision. Things were great. I was making new friends and had vision for God’s plans in my life.
Then in 1998 I met Alex* (name changed). He wasn’t a Christian, and I thought that it would be OK to date him. I changed who I was for him. I would do anything to keep him around. In May 1999 I thought I might be pregnant. The doctor confirmed it for me and at the moment I felt as though my entire world was crashing down. I was the pastor’s daughter. What would people say? What would my parents say? I’m different than alot of the girls whose stories I read. I was 22. I never once considered abortion. No way. Those women were horrible.
When I told Alex he told me there was no way that he could be a father. He told me I was on my own. He basically told me to have an abortion. I should have turned to God. I should have trusted Him. Abortion was the easiest way out. My parents would never know that I slept with my boyfriend. My parents would not be humiliated. I would never have to live on social assistance.
Alex went with me to the clinic. They had a lady talk with me. I cried so hard I cried my contacts out. I wanted this baby so bad, but I couldn’t have it. They put me in this bed and there were about 10 other girls in there. I remember it so vividly. The feeling of pain and of fear hung in the air. They called my name and I was crying so hard I couldn’t walk. Alex had to carry me in. The nurse or the doctor didn’t say anything to me. I looked at Alex and I told him I couldn’t do this. I wish that I would’ve jumped off the table. They had to give me more sedatives than usual. I couldn’t stop shaking. Then it was over and I was whisked off the table and into another bed. I could leave when I wanted.
My parents eventually found out. My mom found a piece of a letter that I had left on the counter. I was horrified that she knew. I was so embarrassed. My parents were very hurt, and very angry with me. They said they would’ve helped me. The told me that they loved me. We worked things out. Now it was time to work things out with God.
That is the hardest part. I’ve locked all of this in for so long now. Really, you’re the first person who’s heard the whole story, everything. I know that God forgives me. I feel so much grace from Him. But I cannot forgive myself. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my child. What could’ve been. January 16 2000 was my due day. January is a hard month for me. I get panic attacks. I have dreams. Will this ever end?
I’ve never had any counselling for this. I don’t know where to turn, or who to talk to. Even writing this letter has helped me feel better.
My perspective on women who have had abortions have changed. I have compassion for them. I know the pain of the decision that they have to make. I know it might sound funny but I talk to my child. I’ve asked my child to forgive me for not giving her a chance at life. I have this feeling in my heart that she does. My one comfort is, is that she is in the arms of the Lord. She’s up there with the brother and the sister that I lost. And that’s all the comfort that I need.
Thanks for listening,
Amanda
Amanda | Amanda.Hopkins@Omron.com
Dear Amanda,
I know what it’s like to feel like the whole world is crashing down around your ears. I’ve been there. The first thing I thought about when I found out that I was pregnant was "how am I going to tell my parents". I was so afraid of letting them down. They would never expect this kind of thing from me.
They were, actually, a real support to me…after the initial shock wore off. It sounds like your parents would have been supportive, too, if you had been able to get past the fear of breaking the news to them.
Your boyfriend played a big part in the decision you made. You have to realize that. He put a lot of pressure on you to have an abortion. He actually carried you into the room? You can’t take all the blame. You need to forgive this guy, though, and FORGIVE YOURSELF. It’s easier said than done, I know. Continue to pray to God…he wants to heal you and make you whole once again. You are His beautiful daughter. Nothing can make Him stop loving you. When you run to Him and beg His forgiveness, He is waiting with wide open arms!
I am so thankful that you wrote to me. Continue to place your life in the hands of God. He will never let you down.
It would also be good for you to find a post-abortion counsellor that you could talk to in your area. Try visiting these websites www.afterabortion.org and Project Racheal
May God bless you.
Luv,
Becky | dearbecky@standupgirl.com
