I’m 21 years old and I’m here to tell u all my story.
I was born in Brazil, but have been living in Qatar (middle east) for 17 years. Life here is supposed to be perfection… Everybody has money, everyone has a good time, everyone is happy. I grew up with everything a girl could want…a loving family, a great education, friends, and money. I’ve always been happy, till I was about 15 when I started cutting myself… It started out as a harmless little spiral that I still have on my hand…then it just kept getting worse. I’d realized that it was better to feel physical pain than emotional pain. That was also the year I met my boyfriend (the one) but he didn’t know about it then becoz I kept it a secret from everybody. A few years went by and I was diagnosed with depression. Nobody really understood why I had it because I always seemed “so happy all the time”. By the time, I was 20, I’d tried killing myself tons of times, almost sent 2 the psychiatric hospital many times but managed 2 talk my way out of it…
Ya, it was a major Britney moment in my life! However, that year, I became pregnant from the same guy I’d been seeing since I was 15. We’d always talked about marriage and kids but when the moment finally came, he panicked. When we both found out, we were both really scared (I was happy!). But he told me I was getting an abortion becoz there was no way he was ready for it. Notice how it was all about him all of a sudden. I agreed with him but as time went by, I got more and more attached to my baby. I’d look at my stomach in the mirror, talk to it at night and I’d always be caught holding my belly. He tried his best not 2 get attached but it didn’t work.
The day I told my mom was the day my boyfriend and I had agreed that we would get married and keep the baby (according to Gatari Law, you have 2 be married 2 have a baby). My best friend told her coz I didn’t have the guts and when she got into the car, she made me feel awful. She kept talking about how I wasn’t keeping it and blablabla. We ended up at my boyfriend’s house to talk to his mom and he just locked himself in his room and never came out…like a kid! I just sat in the kitchen while my mom went on and on about how I wasn’t keeping it because I was still in university and a bunch of other excuses. I kept saying that no, I WAS going 2 keep the baby and still go to school…that my boyfriend was gonna go talk to my dad and everything would be sorted out. She wouldn’t hear it…I cried and cried…while my BOYFRIEND was still in his room and left me alone there with no one to defend me.
I ended up going to a different country to get the abortion against my will. My mom made sure that I went to the best hospital and stayed in a maternity suite when I thought I deserved to sleep on the street after what I was going to do. The first time I saw my baby was on the same day of my abortion and I remembered how I kept asking the doctor if my baby was healthy. I was so happy to see my baby… Words cant even describe it… But I knew I wouldn’t get to keep it. A few hours later, I woke up in this huge hospital suite with my mom next to me and I just cried and cried till I couldn’t take it anymore.
When I came back to Qatar, I’d completely flipped. My outbursts had gotten worse and so had my depression… All I did was cry, hurt myself, and make sure my mother and my boyfriend knew how much I hated them. Then I was sent to a shrink AGAIN and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder… Let’s just say I was pretty crazy!
I’m 21 now and changed to the better… I stopped hurting myself and people around me but sometimes I still cry over the loss of my baby. I’ll never forget the 25th of March, the day i saw my baby for the first time, and the day he/she was taken from me. I know that my baby is still with me somehow… Wherever he/she is, I hope my baby is happy and knows how much I love him/her. Now my boyfriend wants to start a family. He’s out of the country but he comes back tomorrow and he says we have a lot to talk about regarding this family thing. I’m so happy!! And scared at the same time because I am NOT losing another baby no matter what anybody says. I just really hope I get the happy ending that so many girls and women have gotten.
People may think I have everything but I have nothing until I have my baby in my arms.
