My name is 21 years old and im here to tell u all my story. I was born in Brazil,but have been living in Qatar (middle east) for 17 years.Life here is supposed to be perfection..everybody has money, everyone has a good time, everyone is happy. I grew up with everything a girl could want..a loving family,a great education,friends and money. Ive always been happy, til i was about 15, when i started cutting started out as a harmless little spiral that i still have on my hand..then it just kept getting worse. I'd realized that it was better to feel physical pain than emotional pain. That was also the yr i met my bf (the one) but he didnt know about it then becoz i kept it a secret from everybody. A few years went by and i was diagnosed with depression. Nobody really understood why i had it because i always seemed "so happy all the time".By the time i was 20,id tried killing myself tons of times,almost sent 2 the psychiatric hospital many times but mamaged 2 talk my way out of it..ya it was a major britney moment in my life! however, that year,i became pregnant from the same guy i'd been seeing since i was 15. We'd always talked about marriage and kids but wen the moment finally came,he panicked. Wen we both found out, we were both really scared (i was happy!) but he told me i was getting an abortion becoz there was no way he was ready for it.Notice how it was all about him all of a sudden.I agreed with him but as time went by i got more and more attached to my baby. Id look at my stomach in the mirror,talk to it at night and i'd always be caught holding my belly.He tried his best not 2 get attached but it didnt work.The day i told my mom was the day my bf and i had agreed that we would get married and keep the baby (according to qatari law,u hav 2 be married 2 hav a baby). My best friend told her coz i didnt have the guts and wen she got into the car she made me feel awful.She kept talking about how i wasnt keeping it and blablabla. We ended up at my bfs house to talk to his mom and he just locked himself in his room and never came a kid! I just sat in the kitchen while my mom went on and on about how i wasnt kepping it because i was still in university and a bunch of other excuses.I kept saying that no,i WAS going 2 keep the baby and still go to skool..that my bf was gna go talk to my dad and everything would be sorted out.She wudnt hear it…i cried and cried..while my BF was still in his room and left me alone there with no1 to defend me. I ended up going to a different country to get the abortion against my will.My mom made sure that i went to the best hospital and stayed in a maternity suite when i thought i deserved to sleep on the street after wat i was going to do. The first time i saw my baby was on the same day of my abortion and i remembered how i kept asking the doctor if my baby was healthy. I was so happy to see my baby..words cant even describe it..but i knew i wouldnt get to keep it. a few hours later i woke up in this huge hospital suite with my mom next to me and i just cried and cried til i couldnt take it anymore. Wen i came back to Qatar,i'd completely flipped.My outbursts had gotten worse and so had my depression..all i did was cry,hurt myself and make sure my mother and my bf knew how much i hated them. Then i sent to a shrink AGAIN and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder..lets jst say i was pretty crazy! im 21 now and changed to the better..i stopped hurting myself and ppl around me but sometimes i still cry over the loss of my baby.I'll never forget the 25th of march..the day i saw my baby for the first time,and the day he/she was taken from me. I know that my baby is still with  me somehow…wherever he/she is,i hope my baby is happy and knows how much i love him/her. Now my bf wants to start a family. He's out of the country but he comes back tomorrow and he says we have a lot to talk about regarding this family thing. Im so happy!! and scared at the same time because i am NOT losing another baby no matter what anybody says. I just really hope i get the happy ending that so many girls and women have gotten. People may think i have everything but i have nothing until i have my baby in my arms