“Second Virginity? What on earth is that?”
I first heard the term a couple years ago, from a friend who belongs to a boisterous Evangelical Christian youth group. To me, it sounded silly, not to mention biologically impossible! After all, you can’t get your virginity back, once you’ve lost it. You might as well try to get back your baby teeth!
But I’m starting to hear about “Second Virginity” everywhere. It is a term that a growing number of young men and woman are using for a commitment to stop having sex until they are married. These young men and women have all kinds of religious, racial, and cultural backgrounds. Many of them are not religious at all. They have made this commitment because they are dissatisfied with the lifestyle of easy sex.
Perhaps you have experienced some pain and dissatisfaction yourself, perhaps a disease, emotional heartache, or low-self esteem? Maybe you feel that sex is becoming a commonplace and dull. Maybe you’ve had a baby, or two babies, or you’re living with your boyfriend and you’re afraid to lose him? Maybe you feel that there’s no point, because you’ve already “lost” your virginity?
While you can’t become a virgin in the physical sense, it’s never too late to enjoy the freedom of chastity. And it is so worth it. Many girls feel guilty and have low self-esteem when it comes to their sexuality, because they were raped or pressured into having sex before they were ready. If this has happened to you, you are not alone. You can join your sisters out there who have decided to wait until marriage, and make your next experience of sex special and beautiful.
Practicing chastity gives your body a chance to heal from any trauma that may have arisen from sexual encounters, diseases, abortion, or pregnancy. It builds your confidence in yourself. It brings peace of mind. And when you get married, it makes your sexual relationship very special.
Marriage is a safe, happy, and peaceful environment for sex. My husband and I can love each other with our whole heart, without fear that the other might cheat or find somebody more attractive. This total trust is the key to a strong relationship. I don’t have a nagging little fear that he will get me pregnant. For us, a baby is a welcome and happy occasion because we are emotionally prepared. I know he will not give me any disease that he might have picked up from a previous partner. Before we met, he was waiting for me too.
It might sound impossible to change your lifestyle, to live without sex, but it’s not! There are lots of good guys out there who are waiting to meet the right girl, and are prepared to be committed for life. I beg you, wait for that guy! He is worth waiting for!
“Second virginity” is not just abstaining from sex. It is an attitude of the heart. The attitude is, “I am worth waiting for” “I belong to my True Love” “He is worth waiting for.” It’s the attitude that I try to maintain even now that I am married. (Married people have to be pure of heart too!) This, and not an intact hymen, is what really counts. Britney Spears might have been a virgin before she was married, but….was she really practicing chastity?
Chastity is a lifestyle. To stick to your commitment, you may have to ask yourself, “What do my clothes say about me?” Do they say “Take me, I’m available”? Or do they say, “I am more than just a body”? Don’t believe the women’s magazines that say that every guy is after sex, and the only way to get a good guy is to wear clothes that reveal your body. Nothing could be further from the truth. Good guys find themselves more attracted to modest women. He falls in love with you for who you are, not just for your sexy body. A man who falls in love with your beauty, your personality, your inner strengths, and all the things that come together to make you, will recognise that these are the qualities that last. He is going to want to stay with you.
Modesty does not mean “frumpy.” When I have daughters, I’m going to tell them “Let your beauty shine!” Be fashionable, be funky, spicy, elegant, fabulous, or all of the above! Modesty does not mean hiding in a cupboard instead of going out with your friends. It does not mean making yourself deliberately unattractive. Nor does it mean acting flirtatiously available with every guy that catches our eye. A modest demeanor means being your own, genuine self.
The best thing about “second virginity” is the present you give to your husband, and he to you, on your wedding night. There’s no greater gift you can give a person than your body, because your body is you. Choosing chastity now is like wrapping yourself up again in beautiful wrapping paper, so that your husband can know that you loved him before you even met. And what a present! Polls tell us that married people who stay together have better sex than anyone else.
A religious post script:
When I was fifteen I started praying for my husband. I didn’t know who he was or where he was, but I knew he was out there. Little did I know, at that very time, hundreds of miles away, a wild, wayward seventeen year old boy began to commit himself to chastity. He had to give up a lot of bad habits, and he didn’t have anyone to show him the way, but he grew strong and he is now the most wonderful man. We got married in 2004. I believe that God has a plan for everyone’s life, that He can heal memories, give new resolve, and bring even the most lost and broken hearts to true happiness.