I cried again this afternoon, cried that I had forgotten you, forgotten what I put you through and when I did it. What kind of mother forgets the day her children died? A mother who does not care? Or a mother who has started to forgive herself? I don’t know which I want it to be because either way it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I got so drunk this afternoon, drunk because I want another baby to replace you, replace you in my life, my heart and my mind. What kind of mother am I? A mother who is out of touch? Or a mother who is ready to move on with her life and leave the past where it belongs.
Am I allowed to do that? Is it normal to forget the day you aborted your unborn child? To forget the year that you made the biggest mistake of your life? Or does that start to happen three years down the line or when things start going better? Does that make me a bad person? For wanting to move on and be normal again? For wanting to love a real child, a child I can see and touch?
I don’t know anymore… I don’t know what’s normal and right and good where you are concerned.