So my year this year has been one huge rollercoaster…

I got pregnant and was so excited yet scared. I was excited because I had a little wonder growing inside of me and it changes everything. Scared because my life was taking a big step and I didn’t know if I was ready for this step. When I started to tell people, it was either positive comments or cruel ones like “Why don’t you abort?” “You just screwed up your life.” etc… It hurts but didn’t phase me too bad. I mean I couldn’t abort because that’s killing someone that I helped create. Someone that should be able to live. I didn’t feel like I “screwed up my life” because this little person inside me would love me unconditionally forever and it was a step and a learning challenge in life. So throughout the months of my pregnancy, I was losing friends and I slowly started to feel bad, but I always had one good friend helping me out and telling me it’ll work out so I just tried to keep my head high.

So by August, I got kidney stones and found out my baby wasn’t doing so well inside me cuz he and the placenta weren’t working together. So I had to get him out by emergency C-section. I brought this beautiful baby boy. The first time I saw him, I knew I was in love. He had so much of my heart by just looking at me, but they told me he needed to gain weight before he came home. I was ok with that… But then the worst day of my life came along. Monday, they told me if he kept up the good work, I’d have him home by the weekend or sometime next week… Well, the next day, they phoned me in the morning to tell me he had gotten sick and might have gotten the flu or an infection… So I wasn’t too worried till I got to the Orillia hospital and he wasn’t in his bed… They told me it started to get worse and when they brought us to this other room where he was, his tummy was blue. Then one thing led to another, and he was being shipped off to sick kids.

It was the worst feeling in the world to see him cry and not be able to hold him and it was the worst feeling to hear that he was going to sick kids. I know he’s better there, but it was hard to have him in Orillia, let alone Toronto… So we drove to sick kids and they started telling me he got something that some premies and some newborns get that’s called N.E.C. (Necrotizing Enterocolitis) and this is an infection of the intestines that causes inflammation, interior abdominal damage, and tissue death. And that meant they would probably have to do surgery… The next day, I got the call that he needed surgery… It was the scariest and most horrible moment of my life to see my baby so helpless. I wanted to be in his spot to take away all his pain…But it doesn’t work like that, so instead I couldn’t stop crying and holding his little hand till they brought him to the OR.

So waiting for them to take him to the OR. Me and my boyfriend had to stand and wait for the worst to happen. They came and explained how the surgery would work and what would happen. They also had to prepare us for the worst. They told us if there was too much dead tissue to save or whatever, it would pretty much kill him. So hearing this news made me cry hysterically. I couldn’t help but look at his helpless body and feel for him. He wasn’t even two weeks old and he was going through hell and back and might die? How is this fair? It started to get worse when my boyfriend started to cry because it meant it was really serious, but it also made me feel better that I wasn’t the only one crying. So finally they brought him to the OR and we said our good lucks to him through our sobs. Waiting for the surgery to end was the most nerve-racking thing to do. I was very glad that my boyfriend was there with me…

When they told us the surgery went well, we were both so relieved but they told us his recovery will be rough… So the next day when we saw him, he was on more machines and swollen. He had gained 6 pounds in water weight overnight. Again, I couldn’t help but cry because I wanted to just take all the pain and make him better or be in his position so he didn’t have to go through it. But he’s slowly getting better and doing well. I’m hoping it keeps it up, but sick kids’ hospital is an amazing hospital and I am grateful they are taking care of my child and helping him get better. Through all this I went through and am still going through crying fits where I don’t understand why this is happening to my little one. I go through periods where I’m so angry at so many things and people, including myself. I blame myself for this happening. I know I couldn’t have stopped it from happening and it’s not my fault, but it feels like it is. And everytime the nurses or doctors say it happened because he was premature stabs me in the heart because I feel like it’s my fault. He’s getting this because it was my stupid body that made him premature. I also feel like he’s not mine. I feel like he’s partially mine and he’s more the nurses and doctors and it upsets me. I’ve only gotten to hold him 4 times in his whole little life and it’s upsetting me… I hate that I can’t hold him or help him in anyway… 🙁

These are just some shout-outs to people if I didn’t put you on here, it’s not because I don’t cherish our friendship, it’s because I’m lazy and don’t wanna type too much more haha or I think you won’t read it, haha.