So my year this year has been one huge rollercoaster…

 I got pregnant and was so excited yet scared. I was excited because i had a little wonder growing inside of me and it changes everything. Scared because my life was taking a big step and i didnt know if i was ready for this step. When i started to tell people it was either postive comments or cruel ones like " why dont u abort?" "you just screwed up your life." etc.. it hurt but didnt phase me too bad. I mean i couldnt abort because thats killing someone that i helped create. Someone that should beable to live. I didnt feel like i "screwed up my life" because this little person inside me would love me unconditionally forever and it was a step and a learning challenge in life.
So throughout the months of my pregnancy i was losing friends and i slowly started to feel bad but i always had one good friend helping me out and telling me it'll work out so i just tried to keep my head high.
so by august i got kidney stones and found out my baby wasnt doing so well inside me cuz him and the placenta werent working together so i had to get him out by emergency c-section. I brought this beautiful baby boy. the first time i saw him i knew i was in love. He had so much of my heart by just looking at me but they told me he needed to gain weight before he came home i was ok with that..but then the worst day of my life came along monday they told me if he kept up the good work id have him home by the weekend or sometime next week… well the next day they phoned me in the morning to tell me he had gotten sick and might have gotten the flu or an infection..so i wasnt too worry till i got to the orillia hospital and he wasnt in his bed.. they told me it started to get worst and when they brought us to this other room where he was his tummy was blue then one thing led to another and he was being shipped off to sick kids. It was the worst feeling in the world to see him cry and not beable to hold him and it was the worst feeling to hear that he was going to sick kids i know he's better there but it was hard to have him in orillia let alone toronto… so we drove to sick kids and they started telling me he got something that some premies and some newborns get thats called N.E.C. (Necrotizing Enterocolitis)and this is an infection of the intestines that causes inflammation, interior abdominal damage, and tissue death.  and that meant if they would probably have to do surgery.. the next day i got the call that he needed surgery.. it was the scariest and most horrible moment of my life to see my baby so helpless i wanted to be in his spot to take away all his pain..but it doesnt work like that so instead i couldnt stop crying and holding his little hand till they brought him to the OR. So waiting for them to take him to the OR me and my boyfriend had to stand and wait for the worst to happen, they came and explain how the surgery would work and what would happen. They also had to prepare us for the worst. They told us if there was too much dead tissue to save or whatever it would pretty much kill him. So hearing this news made me cry hysterically i couldnt help but look at his helpess body and feel for him. He wasnt even two weeks old and he was going through hell and back and might die? how is this fair? It started to get worst when my boyfriend started to cry because it meant it was really serious but it also made me feel better that i wasnt the only one crying. So finally they brought him to the OR and we said our good lucks to him through our sobs.  Waiting for the surgery to end was the most nerve racking thing to do, i was very glad that my was there with me..when they told us the surgery went well we were both so relieved but they told us his recovery will be rough.. so the next day when we saw him he was on more machines and swollen he had gained 6 pounds in water weight over night again i couldnt help but cry because i wanted to just take all the pain and make him better or be in his position so he didnt have to go through it. but hes slowly getting better and doing well. im hoping it keeps it up but sick kids hospital is an amazing hospital and i am grateful they are taking care of my child and helping him get better. Through all this i went through and still going through crying fits where i dont understand why this is happening to my little one. I go through periods where im so angry at so many things and people including myself. I blame myself for this happening. I know i couldnt have stopped it from happening and its not my fault but it feels like it is. and everytime the nurses or doctors say it happened because he was premature stabs me in the heart because i feel like its my fault he's getting this because it was my stupid body that made him premature. I also feel like he's not mine i feel like he's partially mine and he's more the nurses and doctors and it upsets me i've only gotten to hold him 4 times in his whole little life and its upseting me.. i hate that i cant hold him or help him in anyway.. 🙁 

Theses are just some shout outs to people if i didnt put u on here its not because i dont cherish our friendship its because im lazy and dont wanna type too much more haha or i think you wont read it haha