ok i was 14. I wasn't very happy at home, my parents were making me depressed because they were strict, nasty and unloving and i felt very alone. I met this guy, he seemed so perfect to me. He would say the sweetest things to me and for the first time in a very long time i felt loved. Then he started getting a bit weird, saying things like "if you ever try to leave me you wont be able too. thats a promise." but he would always apologise the next day so i never told anyone or tried to stop it. Then he started emotionally bullying me telling me how ugly and horrible i was and he was the only one who would ever love me. He lived a while away so we were not face to face enough for him to physically abuse me, i knew he would if he could. Still i never told anyone, even my closest friends. I was not ready for sex and had told him that very early on. One day when he had come to see me we were alone. He said to me that if i really loved him i would have sex with him, though we both knew i didnt want to. He said he would leave me and i would be alone forever, which scared me so much. I said ok. i found out he had no protection so i tried to tell him to stop but he told me shut up, forcing himself on to me. He apologized after, but i kept a straight face until he had left. I tried to break up with him the next day but he said no i couldn't, he would never let that happen. In the end i stopped all contact with him and was with someone else for a very short time so he got the idea. He still texted and called me constantly, one minute saying he was coming to make me be with him but then saying it was only because he loved me so much. Still i told no one. I had made out to my friends that our relationship was perfect. I desperately wanted them to see the truth but they believed me.
About a month or two later i realised i hadn't had my period. I went and got a test (my friend was with me). I told her it was negative but it was positive.
I had no idea what to do, my parents didn't really want me and there was NO way i would tell him. I was completely against abortion and though the thought went through my mind i knew i could never go through with it.
Eventually i got used to the idea of being a mum and i knew i would never be alone if i had my baby. I felt i had purpose. I had even decided to tell my parents and my friends.
I woke up a few nights later in complete pain. There was blood all through my bed. I have never been in so much pain and i had no idea what to do. i sat by myself in the bathroom the whole next day, staring at what should have been my baby, my purpose in life. I had no idea what to do, who to tell. Eventually i cleaned up the mess and put on a mask shielding my pain from everyone including myself. I cried myself to sleep every night, thinking it was all my fault, i didn't deserve that joy in my life. I wandered through my life like a zombie for the 2 years, until i met Stephen. We have now been together for 6 months and he was the first person i told everything to. He encouraged me to tell my closest friends and they were shocked but so supportive and loving. All i want now is to have a baby with Stephen, to do it right, but I'm only 16 so i know i have to wait.
That pain still hangs over me and i wonder if it will ever go away. I had lost my baby, after deciding to keep her, seeing her little face on the ultrasound. I lost a part of myself that day and at 14 it was a big part of me to loose. Somehow my parents found out i wasn't a virgin and said some pretty horrible things to me, though i know i didn't do it by choice. I know as long as i have Stephen i will be strong, we love each other so much. We have made plans for a baby when we are a bit older and im going to keep holding onto the thought of my baby in my arms and that baby is going to get double the loving, for itself and it's older sister.
I will never forget you my unborn princess.
xx
