So I'm back at square one…almost two years after we first decided to start trying for a  baby I'm back to being jobless and without a flat with my fiance. We're back to living at our parents and I feel so frustrated. I didn't loose my job because of me but because a few thousadn mega rich idiots couldn't do their job well enough and have caused an economic downturn which has mean that my company hasn't the funds to keep paying my salary. I just feel like if I had sat on my butt and not had any form of drive to do things off of my own hard work I would have had more in life than I do now.I feel like i should have had no ambition or sense of direction and had made no decisions with my life at all. It sucks that I have to now go and seek housing aid. I hate that I have to sign on to recieve benefits. But this is where life has brought me. And you can say ''well if you had a degree blah blah blah…'' uh no….my mothers freinds older sister is 40 and was so on top of her career and was made redundant too…now they;re worried for her because her career wsa her life and now she has no career she has gone missing with nothing really to live for.

I feel like I shouldn't even wait anymore for that 'perfect time' to ttc again. I'm going to start in the new year and  not stop, take breaks or anything…it will be my mission. I feel a little unsure though…should I wait?Am I being irratoinal? If I can't evre really be sure about money then why waste my time and eggs waiting for a perfect time?

I just feel like I'm in the land of nowhere right now. And I'm seeing so many of my friends haveing their babies and it makes my longing so strong.

I can't even speak to anyone and I feel so alone when it comes to this…help.