So Not Worth It

by | 2010 | Dear Becky

I looked around me, woman around me , with no feeling in their eyes – while mine prickles with close tears.  They sit there laughing and joking like nothing is wrong and that the smell of murder is not hanging in the air.  I sit there staring at a white wall, their voices fade away. […]
StandUpGirl woman covers face with shirt

StandUpGirl woman covers face with shirt

I looked around me, woman around me , with no feeling in their eyes – while mine prickles with close tears.  They sit there laughing and joking like nothing is wrong and that the smell of murder is not hanging in the air.  I sit there staring at a white wall, their voices fade away.  Me and my thoughts , what a cruel thing at that moment!  I stare and stare trying to find reason in what the hell I am doing!  Why am doing this, why the hell am I sitting here if I was the one joining and voting against abortion?  Yet here I am the one that judged … sitting here doing the exact same thing.

I imagined that I could hear a heartbeat, but as I have done some research on 7 weeks the heart beats at 150 beats a minute, twice the speed as your own.  I start thinking back … how sick I started to feel, nausea and cramps, swelling of my breasts.  This was the last thing on my mind as I had the marina coil implant – there is no way that I could be pregnant.  After the 3rd week of no menstruation I took a home pregnancy test, putting it aside, I mean that’s impossible I have had the coil for 3 years why now … I tried to laugh it off.  I came back, two bright red stripes, as I took the directions shaky in my hand, it states two stripes ‘pregnant’ I asked my boyfriend to go buy two different types of tests so we can test it again.  Sitting in the bath, crying my eyes out – why aren’t I happy…is this what if feels like, for a moment I couldn’t place the feeling – staring at the wall.  I took both tests … both positive.  How could this be?  That explained the nausea and breasts.We just moved to a different town together still trying to settle, I still had to find a job.  We are still planning our wedding and travels.  How selfish that I put US before an innocent unable to speak baby in my tummy.  We weren’t ready and dreaded what our parents would say.  Is that enough reason?  NO it’s not … never was and so not worth it!

While sitting in the clinic waiting for my turn, I thought I could call you ‘thingy’ as I don’t know your sex.  You are still a part of me, by now you would have started to develop hands and feet and your own blood group.  You are a small unformed person growing, a piece of me.  What would you have been… Boy or girl?  What would you look like, your colour eyes and hair.  How would you hold my finger with those small hands…explorer feelers I would call them.  What noise would you make .. boo or bah?  I’m sitting there, so selfish and in ‘control’ trying every reason to make my decision right .  You had no chance, you can’t even speak.  As I read that they cannot give a right to the baby still inside a woman as you then take away the human rights of the woman … that I think is unfair! You stole my heart ‘thingy’ you grew inside me bit by bit.  You did nothing wrong.  I am going to destroy you .. who gives me the right to decide if you can live or not?  My thingy … God will take you into his big loving hands, hold you tight and look after you.  Please don’t be mad, I am really sorry, please try to understand.  I did not have random sex, I had a stable relationship, big plans and we were safe as can be!  Still you never asked to be there.

I went in and they did the ultrasound and measured.  I was 8 weeks and 4 days.  That was a shocker that’s 2 month pregnant. My due date in September!! Would you like to keep the pregnancy.. I started shaking and was shy and looked away … pouring with tears I said NO.  She continued as if it’s normal … I felt ashamed.  She looked at my coil, everything was in place, there is no movement in this coil, and she doesn’t understand how this could have happened.  I had to wait for the doctor for 3 hours as he had to remove my coil before continuing with the aborting.

I decided on the pill as I was dead scared of the surgical termination.  I went to get a bite to eat..Which I only got to half way as I had heavy nausea.  Who want to eat on her way to commit murder?  I can’t complain of any discomfort I was experiencing … I deserved it.  I felt so worthless that I refused to eat or laugh as how could I do that if I couldn’t even grant a small growing person a life?  A miracle from God?   I will keep your small fetus, tests and abortion pill holders and the letter I wrote you and bury it all together.  I know that’s pathetic at least you would lie here on earth in pride.  My thingy I think you would have been beautiful, big eyes and a beautiful laugh.  May God forgive me for this awful thing I am about to do – and please give me second chance to have children later in my life.  If I don’t I only have myself to blame.  God you gave me a miracle out of your hands, a gift, what did I do, I gave it back to you!!  I am only human, but that is no excuse.  Nothing can validate what I am doing right now.  The doctor came and removed my coil, it hurt.  I cried as I walked to the nurse room as she explained how the procedure works, you take an orally pill with them in the clinic and 24hours later you put the other 4 under your tongue.

After about two hours of taking the first one my nausea started and I threw up although there was nothing in my stomach. That night I took two sleeping tablets and muscle relaxers, I waited 20 minutes and started sucking on the pills.  I wanted to chicken out but you can’t stop then as your pregnancy would result in a disabled child, deformed.  I have to follow through. Tears ran down my face.  Almost immediately the cramping started, as I read on the internet your first tablet loosens the pregnancy inside from your uterus and the other four makes you have contractions and forces the fetus to go down.
It’s like being in labour and about half an hour you start bleeding. I threw up … it kept going like that for an hour with the cramps, I screamed of the intense pain, started getting a fever, threw up and just kept going then I started getting a runny tummy.  It all came together while I try to curl up from the pain, my breathing was as if I was in labour, sweating, crying, throwing up, cramps continues – it doesn’t stop.  For an hour and a half I prayed to die as I thought I won’t survive the pain I was going through.  Excessive bleeding started  after changing three times when I went to the toilet I felt something biggish coming down and fell in the water, there was so much blood I couldn’t see  anything.  I pulled the chain … and thought how convenient.. I just flushed you down the drain.  I fell down crying.

Today I sit here.  Regretting what I did.  Please don’t do it.  I know how you feel.  The shame, the worry the fear.  But If I could do this over, I would have done the pregnancy.  Although the scare I get from every doctor I have ever been to said: Before you have a baby you must come for hormone treatment as your hormones are messed up, complications of too small uterus my walls are too thin etc. I had a 80% chance of having a underdeveloped child and could die with a pregnancy.  Still it could be treated if I lay in hospital for the first 4 months of my pregnancy.  There is nothing on earth that I could say that made this right. I murdered a child.  When we left to go the shops to get some food after being able to walk.  There was a few people with boards saying ‘abortion kills babies’ .. was this aimed at me?  Was this God’s way of telling me what I did, reminding me of my deed I have done? I cried and couldn’t stop.

I have not left the house since.  As I am ashamed of what I did.  How do I get over this?  How?  I can’t stop crying, will God ever forgive me?  Don’t do it.  Please don’t do this to yourself or that small innocent baby inside of you.



Dear Jackie,

I couldn’t help but cry when I read your story. I wish I could be there with you to give you a big huge hug…to try and help ease your pain. Your heart is heavy with grief…but please know that you are loved by a God who is so beautiful and forgiving. There is nothing you could do to stop Him from loving his you. You are His daughter.  He knows you are sorry…and you are forgiven. It’s harder to forgive yourself though, I know. I have things that I have done in my life, too, that I deeply regret and have a hard time forgiving myself for. It is a process, though. Be patient with yourself. Cry if you feel like crying. It will take time to grieve this.

I have a friend Lisa, who has been where you are. Please write to her. She would love to hear from you and would probably have some really helpful things to say. Her email is ” target=”_blank” rel=”nofollow”>?task=cloak&string=bGlzYUBzdGFuZHVwZ2lybC5jb20=

My heart is with you…and so are my prayers.





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