I found out i was pregnant a week ago yesterday. It was a total accident and my boyfriend wasn't even in the country to tell so I dealt with it all alone until i finally cracked and told him over the phone and he flew back to "be with me" We talked all night long the night he came back and decided that we weren't in a situation where we could bring up a baby. The words not now, not like this – that i've read so many times – were exactly the ones that we told each other. I question now how on earth i could have been so selfish. Our baby didn't ask to be conceived – that was our decision accidentally or not. I made the appointment and was seen quickly and the whole thing has passed in a dream.

I went for the medical abortion as i was only 4 weeks from conception. I had the first pill monday and surprise surprise my boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. I cried myself to sleep (i say sleep even though i got 3 hours) and woke yesterday feeling totally numb. All of a sudden the realisation of what i would have to do had hit me and i knew that even worse, i was faced with doing it alone. I went back for my second pill yesterday and lost the baby yesterday evening.

My boyfriend has said that he is angry with himself for doing this to me and cant let me see him cry. I am absolutely devestated and feel like the one person i can share this with has abandoned me. I know he would not have been the father for our baby that I would have needed him to be but I could have been the Mother that I have dreamt of being. Why did I rush to make this decision?? How will I ever forgive myself – how will our baby ever forgive me? I cry at night and in the daytime too. I just think that i've made a decision that will haunt me forever and wonder if I have ruined my future all because of a selfish desire to have better and be better than i am and have now.

How could i do this to my own child?