January 3rd was the day I crashed.

It was the day of my abortion. Before that, when I was figuring out what I was going to do, I said I wanted to keep it but then everybody kept telling me to get an abortion, that I should get rid of it. I felt everybody looking at me with disgrace; my mom, my dad, my brothers. I know I am very young (14), but I think every girl has their choice. I went through with the abortion. After I walked out of the office, I cried so much. I came home with really bad cramps. When I walked out of the office, I just thought to myself what the hell did I just do? I lay in my bed crying, trying to go to sleep so I could sleep off the pain from the cramps and the pain of knowing what I did. I wish I never did that.

I wish I could go back in time and take back what I did. I was 9 weeks and 2 days. I think about it all the time, wondering if it was going to be a girl or a boy, what I would have named him or her, what he or she would look like, how their smile would be their laugh their cry, how they would look like sleeping. I think about it day and night even still now. I’m hurting so much. It’s like a part of myself died like there’s a part of myself missing but I can’t get it back. I have flashbacks of when I sat up and saw the blood on the table and as I walked out of the office, so many tears fell down my face and breaks my heart in half.

To those girls who are figuring out what they’re going to do, think about how you’re going to feel after it works. I don’t know if this will change your mind but I’m just telling my story…

**I’m sorry that I never gave you a chance.

I’m sorry I did this to you.

I understand if you hate me.

But I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I am sorry.