It was November 24th. I was 16, and I was out at my friends after exams party,

I was talking to my ex-boyfriend and he said to me, “I have never stopped liking you and I will always love you, you mean the world to me.” At this point, I had a few drinks, so of course, I believed him. I hugged him and told him that I still loved him.

My friends saw me hugging him and pulled me aside and made me remember why we broke up in the first place. (He cheated on me for the whole 10 months we were going out). I remember I wanted to hit him. I walked up to him. He could tell I was angry and I was determined to do it, but he gave me the same look as he used to. It made me melt and remember how happy I was with him. Instead of hitting him, I kissed him and told him I missed him.

After that, I spent the whole night with him. I wouldn’t leave his side. I looked at the time and saw it was 3:20 am and I told mum i would be home by 4am at the latest. I told him that I had to go. He offered to walk me home because he didn’t want me to walk alone. At this point, I was quite drunk and accepted his offer.

I remember walking and spinning around, then I fell.  He came over to me. I thought he was going to help me up, but instead he pined me down and wouldn’t let me go. I knew what he wanted and I said no. He got off me although he was angry. We walked in silence for over an hour. I started to feel bad for him, he looked so upset. I looked at him and he looked back at me. We stopped walking. I asked if he was okay and he said, “No, I can’t even have the girl I love.” I remember seeing tears in his eye and he looked down to the ground. I cried and told him that he could have had me, but he hurt me. Then we fought about it. He pushed me and said that he only did it because I didn’t want to have sex with him so i asked him if that was all he wanted from me then he yelled out “NO” as loud as he could and started crying. He sat down with his hands over his eyes. I sat next to him and hugged him. I thought that it was my fault so I thought it would make it better if I gave him what he wanted…. I told him that I would…

It had been 3 weeks since we had sex. We became closer to each other. It didn’t feel like it had been 3 weeks and I remembered that I was suppose to get my period 2 weeks ago. I got worried and told him about it. We went to buy 2 pregnancy tests that day. I told him I would do them at home once he had gone and when my parents were out. It was 5:30ish when he left. My parents were out doing the shopping so I drank about 2 liters of water and took the test… It came up positive… I drank more water and did the other one to make sure…. it came up positive as well. I started to freak out. I wanted to call him, so I did. He asked what the results were, I got scared and said negative… He sounded so relieved. I thought what I was doing was the right thing…. Then I had to think it through. There were so many questions in my head like “Can I keep it?” “What would I tell?” “Can I afford it?” “What can I do?” What should I do?”

I went to the G.P soon after I decided that getting an abortion would be the best option because I couldn’t afford it. I had to finish my education. I was way too young. The G.P asked if I was sure I wanted to do it. I remember my head shouting “NO!” yet the word yes came out of my mouth. I went though with it.

It took me a month to tell him that it really came up positive, and that I got an abortion. I was surprised he didn’t get angry or upset at me. All he said was “In a way, I wish that you did tell me, but I am happy you didn’t because i wouldn’t of been able to handle it” that made me cry because I thought about how I was handling it and I couldn’t think of how.

Now its May 19th. I am back in school i am still 16. He and I have broken up and I still regret having that abortion. My baby would have been due in August… I don’t know how I am going to get though that month with a smile on my face knowing that I could have had my baby in my arms…