Dear Becky,
On the 18th of August I found out that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. The father of my baby was my best friend and was already in a relationship with another girl, who is also pregnant and due in September. After we found out, I immediately told my parents (which I now feel was a huge mistake). My dad was very accepting and supportive as he always is. My mom reacted in a calm manner, but felt that I shouldn’t go through with my pregnancy and my best friends mother felt the same.
They pushed me to make a decision very quickly, and i was made to feel that I was incapable of raising a child on my own… as this went on, i grew more and more confused everyday, but i knew that I had to make a decision.
They promised that they would support me if I went through with the abortion and I felt that they would, surely for a week and then everyone would go on with their lives and i would be left to live with the fact that i had, had an abortion.
After a couple of days I convinced myself that doing what my mum said would be best because she knew what it was to raise children as a single parent. So i decided to have an abortion, despite the fact that i felt that I could be a mother (i sometimes got excited).
On the 26th August I went in to the clinic with my mum. The wait was long, but I was okay because I had convinced myself that what i was doing was right for me. As I the nurse did my ultrasound, i saw this tiny little thing on the monitor and I knew that, that was my little baby. It’s size was 1,73cm and I was 5 weeks and a day…
I went in to have the abortion and when i woke up from the procedure, I had so much pain, and I knew that it wasn’t just physical… it was far more than that, but I didn’t say anything.
When I got home, I just focused on healing and felt absolutely nothing about what I had done. I felt okay for 2 days afterwards. On the 3rd day, I started feeling alone and so empty.
I had promised my mum that whatever I felt, I would tell her. But i somehow feel that i can’t because I don’t think she would understand the pain i feel emotionally.
I’m afraid to look at at baby products in stores, on brochures, on the television… I would quickly turn and hide from the way I feel.
I now know that I should have listened to the inner me and kept my baby. But I realize that it’s to late and I don’t know how to live with that. As I bleed everyday since then, I feel more and more hurt, and angry with myself, my family, my best friend and my dad. I just wish my dad had done more to convince me… I had gotten his email to late, had i got before my procedure I don’t think I would have gone through with my abortion…
It’s so hard to live, knowing that I was too selfish to give my child life…
Yours Sincerely
Lyndall (South Africa)
Dear Lyndall,
I’m Julie from standupgirl.com. I’m so sorry to hear the pain in your heart! I know you are angry with yourself, and feel despair. Did you know that many women who have had abortions feel the same way? It is called post-abortion syndrome, and is pretty common. I don’t say that to make you feel it is no big deal – it is. I just want you know you aren’t alone in this experience.
I haven’t had an abortion, but friends have. And they tell me that a support group was a big part of their healing process. I don’t know if there are groups in South Africa, but I assume there are. You can get more information about post-abortion syndrome and recovery from http://www.abortionrecoverydirectory.org and http://www.ramahinternational.org.
Hang in there!
love,
julie
ur story is so sad, am also going thru the same thing.I did it 9 yrs ago, but it still hurts as if it was done yesterday. i hate myself for doing that to my baby
that sucks i no how u feel cuz that happened to me i didnt have a chocie i was only 14 when i had an abortion n i couldnt live with my self i would cry every night n its bn 2yrs an a half n i still feel the same way .some ppl just dont understand what we go threw n think we could just get over it but it'll always b there for the rest of r life's
I am terribly sorry to hear about that! I know exactly how you feel! if you ever want to talk you should read my blog and get back to me i think we can relate!
thanks
Laura!
i have been in your shoes but i was six weeks and 2 days. the father of the baby was my significant other, we had even been talking about getting married. i found out i was pregnant in sept. of 2006. the father started punching me to get rid of the baby. i wanted to keep the baby but had no place to go for security. so i made the same decison. i felt the same way you did at the time but things got a little easier as time went on. i still think about the day my twins would have been born and it still brings me low every once in a while but god has pulled me through this and he will you to if you let him.
Hi, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I too have family members who have had abortions and feel exactly the same way you are feeling. If there is one good thing that can come from this experience…it is that you now recognise the voice within you. Ok, you know u made a mistake but nothing can change that now…just remember, it was through the pressure of your parent and others that led you to that clinic…in your heart you didn't want to do it. I'm pretty sure given another opportunity u will listen to your heart. Advise from others is good…but just remember that in the end listen to that feeling you have inside…let that be your guide and try to block out all the voices around you…because you're the one who has to live your decisions. I can tell you're a beautiful person. Try not to be to hard on yourself…we all make mistakes…but it becomes a bigger mistake if we don't learn from it.
Much love to u
Kate
ohh.. that was a tough decision for you to make lyndall. but now your baby is gone as they said learn from your mistakes. i hope the next baby you have will be from a responsible father.
my life changed forever on the 24 April 09…i made the biggest misake of my life & have no strength or will to live.my baby is gone & grief lives in me.im sorry to have to write this its something i refused right away but people who i thought i could trust let me down.i have let myself & baby down first & foremost.now i am the one searching for answers & no one can answer them.if i had found this website only three weeks ago my life would be different!i was all alone.scared with my first secret pregnancy.i told no one except my man.then things went wrong we started fighting.he sent my mom a text telling her & thats when my nightmare began…i thought i would never do it but life can knock you down…and love! pls all the girls out there don't let ur family talk you out of it.i was weak and even worse now with a haunting emptiness.god willing i will have another but i know he sent a child as a new beginning i guess ill have to let go and see it all for the now.pls tell ur fathers my older sis said my dad would disown me because of race & religion.but thats no excuse.someone once told me the closer one gets to god the closer the bad things cover a person.its a battle of good & evil everywhere.this i now have learnt the wrong way…i mourn for my child.i love all of u for writing and telling stories of greatness…