I have a three year old son. Donavan would have turned three years old this year in October. There were no birthday candles being blown out.
I murdered my son three years ago. I thought it was the only choice, the only way out. What I did not understand at that time was that it was no choice at all. It was my child, my baby.
I had just turned 18 when I found out that I was pregnant. It seemed that it was the worst thing to happen after the hell that I had just gone through.
Everything started by going to a party at a friends house. It just spiraled in a downhill slope from there. As the night at the party went on, I finally decided to accept the drink that kept being offered me. What I did not know was that there was more than just beer in the glass, but there also was a drug that had been added to the beer. Soon after finishing the drink I lost consciousness, only to fall in and out of consciousness for moments at a time. Being drugged, it was a fight that I could not win. I was being raped by three men; there was only one of me. That night a gift was taken from me that I can never replace…my virginity.
After the rape I slipped deep inside myself. I never even let my parents know what had happened because I was so ashamed of myself and thought that in some way, it must have all been my fault.
Three months had passed since I had been raped and I assumed that all of the stress I had been under was the reason that I still had not gotten my period. However, just to be safe, I bought a pregnancy test. I was pregnant and I panicked. I was so afraid to tell someone because I just knew that I would be turned away. I also was afraid that no one would believe how I had gotten pregnant because I had told no one. It was clear to me that an abortion was the only option that I had. I made it the only option available, and then at three months into my pregnancy I killed my own child.
I realize that I am among an extremely small percentage of women who have abortions because of rape. Many people even feel that in the case of rape abortion is justified. I want to tell you that it is not. I know, and I have learned this in the most painful way possible. There is nothing that would make me happier than to wrap my arms around my child, to show off baby pictures, to see the so many firsts in a young child’s life, and most of all to be able to teach him the love and mercy of God. I wish I knew then what I know now, but no amount of wishing can bring him back. It is horrible feeling to know every day that I have killed my own child. The only reassurance I have is that my son Donavan is up in heaven rejoicing in the splendor of God.
Love and cherish every gift that God has given us here on earth. The greatest of those gifts he gave us is that of life. We often forget just how precious it is until it is taken away from us. Sadly, I did not accept the gift that God had given me, and now my own son is dead because of me.
Kyle | Budokyle@aol.com
Thank you for sharing your story. It touched my heart in a very powerful way. It sounds like you are still feeling a lot of pain even three years after your decision to abort your child. Give yourself time to grieve that child. It is not something you are going to get over right away. I think that some people bury their grief and sadness and spend their life trying to justify what they have done. You can recognize the wrong choice you made and are dealing with it. That is good, even though it is the more difficult route.
One thing you do need to know is God’s intense love for you and His forgiveness. You may find it hard to forgive yourself, but He forgives you and wants to heal you. He knows you inside and out. Let Him into your heart and he will ease your pain. Live your life for Him…He will bring you to heaven where you will be reunited with your little son, Donovan.
I pray that your testimony will touch the hearts of many girls that are dealing with situations similar to yours. Thank you for being so brave to share such a personal part of yourself. May God bless you and bring you great peace and joy.