I too had an abortion (actually 2) about 16 – 20 years ago. Gosh it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago – but I never realized what it would do to me.
You see – abortion doesn’t make your baby ‘go away’. That baby lives in your heart for the rest of your life.
I was about 19 years old and I was living with my boyfriend. I was working in a hair salon as a hairdresser just beginning my career.
One day I realized I was late for my period. At the time I always had said that abortion was wrong – but really my beliefs were based on my Christian upbringing. Never did I ever do any research to find out the truth about how precious this little life really was. When I bought the pregnancy test I woke up really early just because somehow I think deep inside I knew. When I did the test, I sat on my bed looking into the bathroom almost counting every second … yet not wanting to know what I felt was probably true. I walked slowly to the place where my pregnancy test was and the color was evident before I even could look down into the test results. POSITIVE! Oh no! I went back to the bed and sat there in shock. My first thought immediately without a 2nd thought was “I have to have an abortion.” My boyfriend was out of town and I called him in tears – I don’t believe that I told him at that time, but I felt so alone. “This should be a time that I can share this with someone – but I’m here all alone!”
Well – without getting into the rest of my details, about 3 weeks later my boyfriend drove me to the abortion mill. I went in and he waited in the waiting room. I was crying so hard I could hardly catch my breath. Deep down inside of me – I was looking for help. Someone to say “You can have this baby and it will be OK.” Someone to reach their hand out to me. Not just watch me do something that I would regret for the rest of my life.
When I went into the back where all the other girls were taken into – I was shocked at how many girls were there! Their ages seemed like 14 and up. Every single girl looked sad, depressed and frightened. I wept and I wept to the point they pulled me aside and I talked to one of the head nurses in her office. Her words to me were “You don’t seem like you really want to do this. Are you sure about this?” My answer was not YES my answer was “My mom will kill me if she finds out and I’m afraid because I’ve started doing some drugs.” She did not give me any positive options – she just said “OK” and let me go on.
After 2 hours of tests and urine sampling, blood sampling and so on – I was put on a gurney in a room with 4 other girls separated only by a curtain hanging on silver rings from the ceiling. The nurse came in, examined me and coldly said “You’re 11 weeks” and she moved on to the girl that was behind the next curtain and examined her and so forth.
What I didn’t realize is that my baby had a heartbeat, little hands, little fingers and little toes. He and she sucked their thumbs * and now knowing that a baby sucks his/her thumb because that is pleasurable, I now know they can also experience pain.
When they rolled me out into the hallway I was still crying and the only kind touch that I remember during my experience was a doctor who came to me and leaned down and whispered in my ear “Dear, if you continue to cry like this, you will hurt much more after the surgery.” Though that doesn’t seem very caring – it felt like it to me at the time and it was the warmest touch I had had yet. I nodded my head and bit my lip to hold back any more tears.
When they rolled me into the prep room, they rolled me next to this beautiful, young girl. She was next before me. We didn’t say anything to each other. I remember looking over at her and as she lay there, a tear rolled back on her face. They took her away * I’m next. It seemed like only minutes and they came and got me. They rolled me into a cold white room, all the staff were also wearing white and the anesthesiologist leaned over me, put the mask on my face and told me to count from 10 to 1.
10 * 9 * 8 … I was out. I woke up on my stomach and not only was I in pain physically but I was in pain emotionally. I felt empty and alone. I no longer had my precious baby inside of me. The precious life that I wish I had today. His name was Vincent.
About 10 years later (after my second abortion – Alicia) I met someone that changed my life. I fell in love with Him as He loved me through all of this and He gave me something that I want to share with every woman that has experienced this horrible experience – no matter what gestation they were at. He showed me His love and His forgiveness. His name is Jesus Christ. The shedding of His blood cleansed me from my sin, from my shame and from my sorrow.
Yes we can try to go on and put away the ‘pain’ of our bad choices ourselves and we can also be angry at the people that didn’t try to stop us, even though they could have at least said SOMETHING. But anger and bitterness at others doesn’t do anything but hurt us further than we already hurt. We need to learn to forgive as we have been forgiven. Also I found that when trying put the pain away all myself, I had to find other means to cover the pain and the guilt that I carried deep inside. The kind of guilt and pain that only a woman that has had an abortion can know. With drugs and alcohol and further promiscuity.
Truly I have been set free from the pain and bondage of the guilt and loss of my babies. Don’t get me wrong, I do think about them and sometimes think “Where they would be today had I not made those wrong choices? ” but the burn in my heart is no longer there. I will see them again in heaven. They know nothing but the love of theirs and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I have spent the last 10 years trying to share with women going into these mills trying to tell them what they may not have been told. “There are other options.” I also have spoken at different churches and events sharing how wrong this choice is and that we need to further educate our youth so they know the truth. But even more importantly than that – I am able to minister and share the love, healing and forgiveness that the Lord has given to me and I am able to share that with hurting women.
If someone does read this and is still hurting from an abortion they have had in the past * please just look up and ask Jesus to show you His forgiveness. Ask Him to come into your heart and clean out the pain, bitterness and the guilt and to take residence in your heart forever.
God bless you for your web site and thank you.
Sincerely – Lisa Musil
Lisa | lisa@standupgirl.com
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope and pray that it opens the eyes and hearts of women to the truth of what abortion really is and how much it hurts not only the baby, but themselves, too.
