I too had an abortion (actually 2) about 16 – 20 years ago. Gosh it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago – but I never realized what it would do to me.
You see – abortion doesn’t make your baby ‘go away’. That baby lives in your heart for the rest of your life.
I was about 19 years old and I was living with my boyfriend. I was working in a hair salon as a hairdresser just beginning my career.
One day I realized I was late for my period. At the time I always had said that abortion was wrong – but really my beliefs were based on my Christian upbringing. Never did I ever do any research to find out the truth about how precious this little life really was. When I bought the pregnancy test I woke up really early just because somehow I think deep inside I knew. When I did the test, I sat on my bed looking into the bathroom almost counting every second … yet not wanting to know what I felt was probably true. I walked slowly to the place where my pregnancy test was and the color was evident before I even could look down into the test results. POSITIVE! Oh no! I went back to the bed and sat there in shock. My first thought immediately without a 2nd thought was “I have to have an abortion.” My boyfriend was out of town and I called him in tears – I don’t believe that I told him at that time, but I felt so alone. “This should be a time that I can share this with someone – but I’m here all alone!”
Well – without getting into the rest of my details, about 3 weeks later my boyfriend drove me to the abortion mill. I went in and he waited in the waiting room. I was crying so hard I could hardly catch my breath. Deep down inside of me – I was looking for help. Someone to say “You can have this baby and it will be OK.” Someone to reach their hand out to me. Not just watch me do something that I would regret for the rest of my life.
When I went into the back where all the other girls were taken into – I was shocked at how many girls were there! Their ages seemed like 14 and up. Every single girl looked sad, depressed and frightened. I wept and I wept to the point they pulled me aside and I talked to one of the head nurses in her office. Her words to me were “You don’t seem like you really want to do this. Are you sure about this?” My answer was not YES my answer was “My mom will kill me if she finds out and I’m afraid because I’ve started doing some drugs.” She did not give me any positive options – she just said “OK” and let me go on.
After 2 hours of tests and urine sampling, blood sampling and so on – I was put on a gurney in a room with 4 other girls separated only by a curtain hanging on silver rings from the ceiling. The nurse came in, examined me and coldly said “You’re 11 weeks” and she moved on to the girl that was behind the next curtain and examined her and so forth.
What I didn’t realize is that my baby had a heartbeat, little hands, little fingers and little toes. He and she sucked their thumbs * and now knowing that a baby sucks his/her thumb because that is pleasurable, I now know they can also experience pain.
When they rolled me out into the hallway I was still crying and the only kind touch that I remember during my experience was a doctor who came to me and leaned down and whispered in my ear “Dear, if you continue to cry like this, you will hurt much more after the surgery.” Though that doesn’t seem very caring – it felt like it to me at the time and it was the warmest touch I had had yet. I nodded my head and bit my lip to hold back any more tears.
When they rolled me into the prep room, they rolled me next to this beautiful, young girl. She was next before me. We didn’t say anything to each other. I remember looking over at her and as she lay there, a tear rolled back on her face. They took her away * I’m next. It seemed like only minutes and they came and got me. They rolled me into a cold white room, all the staff were also wearing white and the anesthesiologist leaned over me, put the mask on my face and told me to count from 10 to 1.
10 * 9 * 8 … I was out. I woke up on my stomach and not only was I in pain physically but I was in pain emotionally. I felt empty and alone. I no longer had my precious baby inside of me. The precious life that I wish I had today. His name was Vincent.
About 10 years later (after my second abortion – Alicia) I met someone that changed my life. I fell in love with Him as He loved me through all of this and He gave me something that I want to share with every woman that has experienced this horrible experience – no matter what gestation they were at. He showed me His love and His forgiveness. His name is Jesus Christ. The shedding of His blood cleansed me from my sin, from my shame and from my sorrow.
Yes we can try to go on and put away the ‘pain’ of our bad choices ourselves and we can also be angry at the people that didn’t try to stop us, even though they could have at least said SOMETHING. But anger and bitterness at others doesn’t do anything but hurt us further than we already hurt. We need to learn to forgive as we have been forgiven. Also I found that when trying put the pain away all myself, I had to find other means to cover the pain and the guilt that I carried deep inside. The kind of guilt and pain that only a woman that has had an abortion can know. With drugs and alcohol and further promiscuity.
Truly I have been set free from the pain and bondage of the guilt and loss of my babies. Don’t get me wrong, I do think about them and sometimes think “Where they would be today had I not made those wrong choices? ” but the burn in my heart is no longer there. I will see them again in heaven. They know nothing but the love of theirs and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I have spent the last 10 years trying to share with women going into these mills trying to tell them what they may not have been told. “There are other options.” I also have spoken at different churches and events sharing how wrong this choice is and that we need to further educate our youth so they know the truth. But even more importantly than that – I am able to minister and share the love, healing and forgiveness that the Lord has given to me and I am able to share that with hurting women.
If someone does read this and is still hurting from an abortion they have had in the past * please just look up and ask Jesus to show you His forgiveness. Ask Him to come into your heart and clean out the pain, bitterness and the guilt and to take residence in your heart forever.
God bless you for your web site and thank you.
Sincerely – Lisa Musil
Lisa | lisa@standupgirl.com
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope and pray that it opens the eyes and hearts of women to the truth of what abortion really is and how much it hurts not only the baby, but themselves, too.
Be strong!!1 Go on with your life. You can go back to the salon or anything else you want to do.
Yes Lisa u can post my story and thanks for sharing this story
THANK YOU…….
wow lisa thats so sad.Im sorry for your losses.I never thought of other options when I was pregnant.I jus hid it from the father and went on with life as a mom-to-be.I am sorry I did so.As my 4 year old little girl was taken from me.Her father found out I was pregnant when I was 6 months along.He told me he'd fight to get her,but I didn't think any judge would find me in the wrong for trying to do the best for my baby.I was wrong!!I was living in a state that had a law that if the father can prove the mother hid a pregnancy or child from him,he can fight have a very good chance at winning a coustdy case aginst the mom.I was 16 at the time and that didn't help me either.He already had 2 kids that were 8 months when My daughter was born.He took care of them and gave them anything they needed.Your probably wondering why I didn't tell him about the baby,he proly would have taken care of it to.Well he had told me that he still loved his son and daughters mom and wanted to move back with them and leave me.I loved him and didn't wanna let go.This was 2 weeks before I found out I was 8 weeks PG.I had no idea how my life or that of my baby would turn out.And the way he treated me made me decide that my baby was to good to have a daddy that didn't care!I kept the news of the baby until a trip to the mall to buy baby stuff with my friend.I was 6 months by then and looked 9 months with a huge belly.I had jus found out the sex of my child the day before.We were coming out of baby GAP and there he was.I hid my belly behing shoping bags while we talked about his job and kids and his living arrangement with my mom,then a lady bumped me causeing all the bags to fall exposing my pregnant belly.His only reaction was,”Thats not mine”.Then he started to leave but turned and said How many months?I said,”Im 6 and its a girl,im nameing her JOnbenet.”He said “Oh so the kids mine huh,”More of a statement than a question.”Yes she's yours,but I don't want anything from you,not money,not time,NOTHING!” “I won't let you keep it,I will fight you for coustdy,that baby doesn't need a mother that would rather raise it alone!”.I tuned a ran from him,and triped over a bottle a women's baby droped.I fell hard on my belly and felt pain rip through my back.I jus knew my baby was dead.He took me to the hospital because my friend had a flat.He droped me off at the enterince.After tests and an ultrasound to my relief my baby was fine.I didn't see him agin for 2 months.Then at 8 months and 1 week I gave birth to My daughter Jonbenet Jolie.Weighing 4 pounds.She stayed in The NicU for a week.And 2 days before I was set to take her home,the nurse was late bringing her in.So I got up sliped a robe on and went to the nursey to get her.I asked the nurse at the desk and she said the man on the birthcirtificate as the father was visiting with her.I walked around to the window my babys bed was by and looked in,There he was standing beside a nurse holding our baby.He looked as if he might cry.Then he asked the nurse what his name was.The nurse said,”Mr.Morroe your baby is a girl and Her name is Jonbenet,I've told you this 3 times since you came in.”I couldn't believe what I'd heard!A man that doesn't know the sex of his child,his fleash and blood that he is holding in his arms,nor her name,how could this man fight me for my baby.I still think about that day.And that question.Only it has a new part.How could this man fight me for my baby and WIN!Yes he won.And I only got to see her on tuesdays and sundays for 3 hours.Then when she was 9 months he moved out of state with her.The law looked for him with no luck.I tried to hold out hope.But almost 2 years went by and they still hadn't found my baby.She was almost 3 years old!!!!Not a day went by that I didn't think of her or dream of holding her.Then I got a call that her father had been in a wreak about 2 months eariler.And He and a young child had died.I couldn't breath,my heart felt so heavey.I was told the car had blown up and it would take a week before they could get an ID on the child.I jus knew it was my Jonny.It was the longest week of my LIFE!Then 1 day past the week a call came through that changed my life!The child in the car was his stepson marc.I cried for the mother and for the little boy.But was glad I still had a chance of finding my baby girl.A month later we found my daughter.I went with an officer to pick her up.She was scared of me and cryed.She didn't know i was her mommy.She's 4 years old now.Im Married to a great man and have another daughter that 8 months.Her name is Myah daneia.jonbenet still doen't have a clue that im her mom and calls me britt.But im just glad to have my baby back after so long.
wow. what a story, i feal your pain. thx so much for sharing tis with us.
dang. wow… that is all that i can say
wow that's a powerfull story Iwanted to cry!!!
woah! almost identical to mine…incredible. Thank you for sharing. very powerful story. God bless you 🙂
An amazing story!