I have thought for a while before deciding to write this. Im normally a fairly private person. I need some help/advice because im going through a hard time at the moment.

I had my second baby girl (Alyssa)  in July this year. 5 wks and 2 days later i made my first enquiry about adoption, and at 6wks 3 days, had her placed into foster care while i explored it further. After only 6 days i wanted her back. I was really confused and scared of what was to come. She was back in my arms within a couple of hrs. However as soon as she was in them i realised that having her back was a mistake. I love her, but im not ready for a second baby. Im still trying to get used to the first one (Jessica), who turned one a month before Alyssa was born.

I had alot of emotion issues when Jess was born, which had me also looking at adoption at one stage. I eventually decided to keep her, but things have been far from easy with my own mother taking me to court for custody of her. This went nowhere – she had no basis for her case. I suspect empty nesters sydrome.

Although i was happy at being pregnant again – shocked (Alyssa is a pill baby) but happy, i did wonder if i wasnt making a very big mistake at continuing the pregnancy because one child was already a handful.

Back to where i was…anyway Alyssa has been gone for 2 weeks and 2 days. I miss her like crazy, and love her very much. I want her back so bad – and because nothing yet is signed (takes a long time here) i could. But i make myself think about it and im just not ready. It makes me sad, it makes me cry. I have nobody that i can lean on for any support which also makes me feel very alone. Sometimes i feel like a zombie. I sit there and stare off into space unable to concentrate on anything. To me, the choice of adoption is already made, but at this stage it is by no means certain. My charming mother may take me to court to attempt to gain custody of Alyssa. The adoption counsellor and i have written a letter that im sending out to my family to try and explain things but i still fear WW3. If it gets to that, then the best way to ensure that my mother does not get to have my child is to keep her myself, which is something i really dont want to do. I know my own capabilities as a parent. A second child is something im just not ready for. Getting into the mindset of adoption was hard enough without the possibility of this. I feel at peace with myself and my decision to give her up, and now dread the thought of keeping her.

Im finding it really difficult to explain exactly what im feeling. I would love to chat to people that have been through the adoption process one way or the other. Also, just seeking plain advice and helpful words from anybody.