Hey Becky,

I just writing to say thanks for some advice you gave me two months ago. I was pretty depressed after finding out I was pregnant. I was only with my boyfriend for about five months, just finished university, no job and was unsure if I should have the baby. You gave me some advice on being honest with myself about how I feel…well I didn’t take it for awhile.

Everyone EXCEPT the wonderful women in my life – my mom, my bestfriend, my sister in law – wanted me to have an abortion. They thought it was such a bad time… I could have another one… it was just a bunch of cells… I was wasting my life… I wasn’t being rational if I had it… etc…This advice got to me and upset me to the point where I felt like I was crazy…I argued and was terribly mean to my boyfriend. And cried everyday and talked about suicide a couple of times.

Finally my boyfriend couldn’t take it and left and my mom came to live with me. At first I thought maybe I should have an abortion. Nobody who thought I should have the baby admitted it because they were scared of influencing me to do something I might regret. Mind you, everyone who thought I should have an abortion tried to convince me.

I felt terribly. I had this dull, heavy pain in my heart all the time. Besides all of this I almost miscarried which was additional stress.

At the breaking point my boyfriend said he couldn’t take it anymore and we shouldn’t get married and have the baby – then he left for five days.

I made two appointments… one for an ultrasound, one for an abortion. I called my boyfriend and told him to come with me…damn if I was going to be the only one with guilt! He showed up on time for the ultrasound dressed up in a shirt and pants. He opened the door for me to the car and drove us there (my mom and I). He was being extremely nice but I wasn’t fooled.

During the ultrasound we saw the baby. He or she was 11 wks old and was beautiful! It was sucking its thumb and after being prodded a couple of times, it stretched. The three of us started to cry.

After the ultrasound my boyfriend drove me back and asked if he could come in and just watch tv with me. I know my mom didn’t want him to but I said ok. As soon as he came in he lied down across the room from me and went to sleep. I guess he had been pretty stressed too. When he woke up we talked to my mom…She said she didn’t want to get involved but she pretty much told him off for leaving me so upset, and she made a point saying what we were going through was rough but it has happened a million times before to others and they survived. When she left we fought, we yelled and yelled until he caved and told me he was scared…he cried and said that he was scared that he would lose me and the baby if we went through with it…We decided to make up. But we were still going to go to the first abortion appointment to hear what they had to say.

The morning of the abortion appointment I was nervous. We drove in and I went into the clinic. While we were waiting i looked at everyone else there. There was a mom -I could tell, who looked like she had just had a baby, a teenage girl who looked very upset with her mom, a very stern posh looking asian girl and another couple. The couple upset me. They looked like they were having fun and flirting.

I got called to go in and I went alone, because they do the counselling alone to make sure nobody is making you. The first question the counsellor asked is “why do you want an abortion?” I listed all the reasons why I should have one, that people had been telling me. She then said you look unsure… why? That’s when I lost it…I started bawling. “Because I’m attached”, I said. We talked for a long time. She asked me about my support system. I said I had parents who would help me, she asked about my education, I said I was finished. She said “why do you think you can’t have a baby?” I said “because I don’t have a husband”. She replied, “a lot of people don’t husbands and husbands can leave as well.” I said “I don’t have a job.” She said you could have had one and lost it in your ninth month to downsizing…shit happens”. I said, “I don’t have a house.” She replied, “Neither do I”.

Basically she told me she raised three kids on her own, and got a psych PhD. She said “don’t base your decision on whether your with the father, whether you have a job, a house, a SUV etc. Base it on three things…do you love the baby? Can you care for the baby, if you have to, on your own? What does your heart tell you?”

I answered “yes” to the first two and said “my heart tells me not to have an abortion.” I told her about a dream I had a couple of weeks ago when I talked to the baby…I dreamt I was in a place with white light and I heard a little girl voice saying “don’t cry mommy maybe you should eat some chips, that might make you feel better” I replied ” no emma, I don’t think so”. She said “feel better mommy”. Of course I was sobbing by now in the clinic.

She told me that the dream I had meant that every part of my being knew I was pregnant, she also told me since I had already named the baby and felt such a connection it would be extremely hard to have an abortion and handle it afterwards. She said that it would be mentally unheathy for me to have an abortion, and it was very apparent to her I didn’t want one. If I did still want one I would have to talk to another counsellor first, because she didn’t believe health, spirtual or mental wise it was good for me to do it.

Well, I thanked her and told her she wouldn’t see me again. For the first time I didn’t feel a pain in my heart. She gave me a hug and said I already looked better, and that my eyes looked dead when I came in through the doors.

I went home and told my boyfriend who was relieved and my mom who cried and was relieved as well. My boyfriend and I decided that we were going to try to work on our relationship…that was three weeks ago and everything has been really good. He even says he wants us to get married, not for the baby but because he
loves me.

My mom and dad are happy we went shopping for baby things. My best friend cried she was so happy. She said she was racking her brain on how she could adopt the baby so I wouldn’t have an abortion which made her happy that she didn’t have to be a mom yet! So things are working out.

I’M SO HAPPY!!! Even if my boyfriend and I don’t work out, I’m looking forward to raising Emma…hope it’s a girl! I realized being pregnant is not the end of the world, but it’s a miracle! I am actively looking for work and have gotten a reply from a bank for a job. If I work for three months I can get maternity leave here in Canada, so that is good. My boyfriend has an offer in the States so he is thinking about taking it and us being apart for a couple of months and him coming back for the birth. It is going to be hard, but it is worth it, because I am at peace…and hopefully so is my baby.

Sorry so long, but thank you…your website did help me to not think abortion was the only answer.

Thanks a million
Carolyn and Emma? or Alex? 🙂

Carolyn | carolynm_iti@hotmail.com

Dear Carolyn,

I am so happy to hear that you have made the decision to have your baby. What a gift little Alex or Emma will be to you! The road won’t always be easy, but you will know that you did what was right and good. You won’t have to live with huge regrets. Hopefully you can find a network of people around you that will love and support you throughout this pregnancy and beyond. That would really help.You will be given the strength that you need, though.
Try not to look too far into the future, but take it one day at a time. Little steps. Pregnancy and childbirth is such a wonderful thing to enter into. Embrace it. Love your little unborn child. You are a mother. What a privilege that is!

Keep in touch. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

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