I have a secret
I had an abortion about 4 years ago. Nobody knows except my mom and my boyfriend. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else but reading everybody’s stories gave me the strength to tell mine. I was 14. My boyfriend (who I’m still with) and I had a bad relationship. He would cheat on me […]

I had an abortion about 4 years ago. Nobody knows except my mom and my boyfriend. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else but reading everybody’s stories gave me the strength to tell mine.

I was 14. My boyfriend (who I’m still with) and I had a bad relationship. He would cheat on me and date other girls then I would take him back. I have always suffered from depression and the things he was doing to me drove me crazy. It felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. He was my everything, the only person I had. My mom was hooked on pills, my father was never around, and my sisters did their own thing. I cut myself a lot. It helped me deal with the pain. We were sexually active. We used condoms most of the time, but I guess one time we didn’t. And I got pregnant. It was May and the last day of school and he broke up with me for a girl he always cheated on me with and I knew he did, but I didn’t care as long as I had him. Well, when I got home, my mom was at work and it was just me and my little sister, who was 12 at the time. I was so devastated. I didn’t know I was pregnant yet. I ran to my room, took sleeping pills, and cut my wrists BAD!! Blood was everywhere. I passed out. My little sis came in and saw what I had done and she couldn’t wake me up, so she called 911. The ambulance came, brought me to the hospital, and they stitched me up. Luckily, no serious damage was done. My mom came up there with my aunt and cousin. My mom was so scared and upset. I felt so bad for doing this to her, but I didn’t want to live anymore. It wasn’t just him that hurt me. It was everything. I felt like I was drowning in a black hole with no escape.

They told my mom I had to go to a mental hospital. They kept me on suicide watch in a padded room and straight-jacket for the first 2 days then I was put in a room. They had me on so many different meds; 1 for depression, 1 for bipolar, and some other ones that made me a zombie. I remember some things, but not all. My mom and sisters came to visit me and it made my mom sick seeing me so zoned out. I couldn’t hold my niece cause I was weak and shaking. I was in there for 8 days. I had no pregnancy symptoms that I noticed, so being pregnant never crossed my mind. The day before I left, they gave me a pee test to make sure all my meds were in my system and I guess they had done a pregnancy test cause they told me and my mom when I was leaving that I was pregnant.

My mom didn’t know we were having sex. My mom hated him. They took me off the meds except for my antidepressants and bipolar meds. They said it wouldn’t hurt the baby. I was so out of it that it didn’t even register to me that I was having a baby. When I got home, my mom called him and told him I was out of the hospital and I was pregnant. He didn’t care. He was running around having fun while I suffered. My mom and I went to the doctor and I was 12 weeks pregnant. We talked and I decided I couldn’t have a baby. I just got out of a mental hospital and was severely underweight (80 pounds) and depressed plus I thought that the baby was hurt already from all the meds. May 27th was the day I decided to kill my child. My mom called and set up an appointment. I was so numb on the way there. My mom cried and cried. She didn’t want me to go through this, but we had no other choice. My mom was a single mother working like a man to support 3 daughters plus my niece. We had no money or even a place to put the baby. We got there and I filled out paperwork and they brought me back there and did an ultrasound. I was 13 weeks pregnant. The doctor came in and asked me if I was ready. I said yes. I was still numb. They gave me pain meds and laid me on the table and sucked my baby out of me. It hurt. God, it hurt. I cried and told them to stop, but it was too late. My baby was gone.

I see her. In my mind, it was a girl. I saw my dead, bloody baby in a bowl. That was when it hit me. They gave me more pain pills and I left. The ride back was horrible. My mom tried to comfort me, but I was in hysterics. What had I done??? I killed my baby, my innocent child who didn’t ask to be born. She didn’t deserve what I had done to her because i was too selfish and depressed. I slept for days. I finally called my boyfriend and told him. He cried and apologized for making me do this. We talked for a while and decided to give it another chance. We have been together for 5 years now and I have given birth to 3 boys. Cameron is 2 and a half, Ethan (who I gave up) is 1 and a half, and Kaiden is 7 months. I wanted a girl so bad, but i know that I killed my little girl. I still suffer from major depression and think about her every day. I named her Promise Leigh. I have never shared this horrible part of my life with anyone. I hope this story helps people.

Aborting my baby was the worst thing I’ve ever done, even though I thought it was the best thing at the time and I will regret it till the day I die. I would give anything to have her back. I am very lucky that God gave me another chance to be a mother to my 2 sons. If you’re thinking of abortion, think again. You will regret it.

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