My name is Sammy and I am 20 years old. I am the mother of a little girl. She is currently 11 months old about to be 1 in just a few weeks… I just found out that I am now pregnant [again] and I am at a loss at what to do…
Back in 2006 when I was 18, I got pregnant for the first time with my longtime boyfriend of 4 years only to be forced and tortured emotionally into having an abortion by him. My mother was the only other person that knew what was going on and while she would have supported me no matter what, she gave me the impression that she agreed with my boyfriend's decision due to the fact I was too young and she herself, started motherhood very young. So I went through with it. I sit and think to myself still to this day wondering what I was thinking? While I feel awful about it and it haunts me from time to time especially when I look at my daughter, I can't help but somehow justify it to myself and say that I did the right thing. I go back and forth with it because I know I would not have my daughter whom I love more than anything if I had not had the abortion… But in the end, I vowed never to have another because it was painful physically & emotionally and I hated the whole experience.
So here I am, ironically debating whether or not to do it again. My heart mostly tells me to have this baby because it may be my daughter's only full blooded brother or sister as me and her father are no longer together and the outlook is grim for our relationship ever surviving. My daughter does already have a half-brother from her father's previous relationship… So this makes him not want another child simply because he feels he can't afford three at this point in his life. [He's very cheap even when it doesn't involve the babies]
I just know that right now I'm struggling to come to grips with the reality that I'm alone with my daughter and that I'm all she has to come home to. My vision of a family has been totally destroyed and now my worst fears for myself and my daughter are coming true… My sister raises 2 boys by herself and has for a very long time. I've watched men come in and out of her life and I've seen the pain it's caused her and the confusion it's caused her children and though she has it all together and has her own house and car and a good job, I can only imagine that she must be lonely and must long for a father figure for her kids and a man in her life for herself. I've secretly told myself as I've witnessed her lifestyle that I never wanted to be like that. It just didn't seem desirable or something that I would want to happen to me. But now, it seems like it will. I will be a single mother with 2 babies… and I wonder how I will do it. I know it can be done. She does it as I'm sure lots of women do, but it's ME we're talking about… I just don't know.
I love my daughter so much and when things were good with her father, we both talked of having another because we were so pleased the first time around. It just seems like this is the baby we were wanting and yet, we aren't going to get to be together to enjoy it like last time. I really needed him throughout my first pregnancy and now what do I do without him if I go through with having this baby??? Who do I lean on? Sure, I have family and friends but it's not the same. Not when you've done this once already with the person you created this child with, and the person you shared so much with, and who will understand it…
I think my heart is torn in both directions… but my brain says don't have it.
I just don't know what to do. I know people who read this are probably going to think I'm selfish…. because there are so many people who don't even get to sit around getting pregnant and making these decisions…people who can't have children and want to adopt… and maybe I should choose adoption… but then there goes another factor, how do I give my baby to people I don't know after I've carried it, given birth, seen it, talked to it, held it, and watched it grow on a monitor for over 9 months??? Call me a wuss… but I can't. I envy people who can… but I can't… I think it would be even worse for me somehow….