Dear Becky,
Oct.22 2003 had been a whole year since I made the biggest mistake in my life; the one thing that I will NEVER forgive myself for. I’m sharing this story because I’m tired of having it all bottled up and driving me crazy inside and because I hope that it either will help some young woman make the right choice or help some one who’s made the wrong one by seeing that its true; they’re really not alone.
I was sixteen when I confirmed that I was pregnant the exact day Sept. 2nd 2002, truth is I was scared but I was so happy, we (my b.f and I) were both young fresh from high school and broke but we were in love and though we hadnt planned it we knew that we could do it together. I thought that all of it would have worked out perfectly and that we’d be just like those t.v families…WRONG! My mother is a strict christain and a psycharitrist so I went to her after I told *Matthew, I had heard her tell countless girls as young as 13 that abortion was wrong and that if they beleived that God would get them through, well- I found out that that was what my mother strongly beleived in for everyone but her daughter. It crushed my little heart when she started to cry and ask where she went wrong and that I was going to break my father’s heart. When my dad came home I was so scared but suprisingly he was there for me, he wasn’t thrilled but he told me that he would always be there for me, he even joked and said that he’d get Matthew and I a car seat. My mother wouldnt have it though and she called my brother who’s in the army and he threatened him, i watched my excited and supportive b/f become a nightmare, everything went wrong so fast; my mother was so worried about what her friends would think.
I finally gave in in October, Ocober 22nd my mother’s birthday. I just couldnt take it anymore, my brother had told me to hell and that I was a slut and my mother had “gotten really sick” and wouldnt talk to me, I remember throwing up a day and she didnt offer a hand she just slam the bathroom door shut. I let her convince me that morning sickness wasn’t normal and that my baby was unhealthy so my mom bacme my bestfriend again when I consented.
The abortion was terrible and everytime I close my eyes….I cant even talk about it. What I will say is that I felt EVERYTHING and that he(the doctor) yelled and me and pushed my legs open, when I complained of the pain he told me I was making it up, when it was finished and he unhooked my ankles from the stirrups I fell and vomitted on the floor. We left the clinic with my mother smiling, and then she asked me if I think I did the right thing…like I could have done anything about it then.
I only told Matthew on Oct.25th(2002) what really happened (my mum told me to tell him I miscarried) because I was hospitalised, the doctor didnt remove all of the tissues and it was rotting inside of me, I was there for 5 days and then had to have a second abortion.
My brother came to the hospital and my dad and b.f, my mum didnt come because she was sick, no one else came not even my friends because my mother said it was best that no one knew. I lost all my friends after that because I didnt know how to talk to anybody, my b.f and I broke up because each time I looked at him I saw our little girl; we named her Jenmae and each year I hang her ornament on the christmas tree.
I just want the girls out there to know that abortion doesnt make anything go away, not even the shame that they think that they’ll have to face- not the hate they think they’ll get, because self hate is the worst, not being able to forget and live with yourself is by far worst.
Well I’m 19 now and engaged and I pray to God for forgiveness each day she enters my mind and that is EVERYDAY, I dont want to forget her and I dont think that I ever will- I just dont want it too hurt so bad when I do. I beleive that God will give me another chance and that I’ll make the right choice this time, and not for my family or even my partner…but for me and my baby.
Sarah | hamadeyalook@hotmail.com
Dear Sarah,
Thank you so much for being so courageous in sharing your story with us. What a shock it must have been to you, when the person you thought would be your biggest support, turned out to be the least supportive of all. Why is “looking good” so important to all of us? Shouldn’t love and relationship be more important than any of that?
I have learned so much in my life, about this very thing. I was one of those “good girls” who always towed the line. I looked down on so many people for the poor choices they made. I was very judgemental of others and was always thinking about what everyone thought of me. I was so caught up in appearances. Well, I wound up pregnant, and boy did my life change! I came down off that pedestal I, and others, had set myself on, and realized that I was no better than anyone else. I was very humbled. I suddenly had a new perspective on life and a new love and compassion for those people that I had judged so wrongly in the past. People reached out to me that I never thought would and they showed me what unconditional love was. I wanted to be able to love people that way.
I think you will be able to help a lot of people by sharing your story and reaching out to those who find themselves in similar situations to your own. You can be there for those girls who have no support, even from those they thought cared about them the most.
You need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God loves you and HAS forgiven you. He knows the heartache you’ve been through and wants to heal you. He will ALWAYS give you another chance.
