My best friend DJ, who also happens to be an ex-bf, is really getting under my skin and into my head. He tells me about girls he's trying to get with, knowing that it bothers me, and then has the nerve to ask if I'm still in love with him…
I feel like he's using me and string me along because he knows that I'm still in love with him. Even though we've both agreed that a relationship beyond friends is asking for a disaster, we somehow ended up settling for freinds with benefits, which I'm not too comfortable with at all.
It's not that I don't like him or don't want intimate relations with him. It's the opposite. I love him and I don't want anything to ruin our friendship and the whole "fwb" thing makes me so uneasy.
The last time I agreed to that, I ended up date raped by a guy I knew and trusted and loved and one his friends that I'd never even met!!! So you can see why I'm freaking out.
And that's not all. My other ex-bf, Craig, has a girlfriend and they've been dating since the week after we broke up. Yeah, pretty damn convient, but I'm not even gonna get into that…Anyway, she cheats on him a lot and treats him pretty bad and he and I happen to still be in love…the first time we had sex, the condom broke and we had a pregnancy scare…and our history has been like that ever since.
He's cheated on her with me at least 4 times and I feel so bad because I don't wanna help him cheat, but he won't break up with her. He feels obligated to stay with her because she hasn't done anything "really wrong".
But everytime we're together you could cut the tension with a knife. It's the most amazing feeling and it's wrong to feel it because he has a girlfriend. It hurts so much to spend a night with him just like we used to, staying up late playing video games, talking, making love and then the next morning seeing him and his girlfriend together making out right in front of me…The bad thing is she knnows that we've slept togethersin ethey've been going out, but she's still with him because she feels guilty for cheating on him so much. And I just feel so used…
And I try to pretend that if I act like everything is okay, eventually it will be…but I don't think I can do this any longer. I don't know how to be fine when I'm not.