I Am Haunted By These Sketchy Memories

by | 2005 | Dear Becky

Dear Becky — I got caught when I was 15. I had no idea about sex or its consequences. Sex was just what you did with someone you “love”. I can’t explain it to this day. I just didn’t know about pregnancy. I hadn’t given it a thought. At 15, who cares? I was dating […]
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Dear Becky — I got caught when I was 15. I had no idea about sex or its consequences.

Sex was just what you did with someone you “love”. I can’t explain it to this day. I just didn’t know about pregnancy.

I hadn’t given it a thought. At 15, who cares? I was dating a “bad boy” high school drop out. We had unprotected sex. My mom noticed I hadn’t had a period in some time, since her cycle was the same as mine. She came right out and asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed at her notion and said NO WAY. I had no signs. No symptoms. I was just having sex.

She thought differently and made my boyfriend drive me to Planned Parenthood. I filled out some sort of questionnaire. The only question I remember is, “Do you want to be pregnant”. I left it blank. I couldn’t answer. Thoughts of a house and marriage and those types of things swam in my head. My name was called. I peed in a cup. My life forever changed. I was 15 & pregnant.

I went home and we told my parents. They threw him out. Forbid me to ever see him again. There was lots of screaming and fighting. I wanted to get married and keep the baby. My folks had college planned and there was no choice. No discussion. I had NO RIGHTS. I was to have an abortion. I didn’t tell my friends. I was completely alone. My parents were worried about my future and what the neighbors would think of the knocked up catholic girl down the street.

My parents took me to have the abortion. I don’t know when or where exactly. I only remember holding my belly and apologizing to the thing inside me that was going to ruin my life according to my folks. I was scared to silence. I begged God for forgiveness and hoped this didn’t “count” as murder. Was I going to hell for this act? Even though it was against my will? It seemed quick and painless, although I remember nothing except the terrible fear and emptiness and regret. We never spoke of it again, to this day. It is a dirty family secret, a skeleton on the family tree. It is locked in the recesses of my memory and it haunts me. I never saw that boy again. Looking back now, not seeing him again was probably for the best.

I am now 34 and have been trying to conceive for years. I’ve had no luck. Am I BEING PUNISHED? I wonder what life would have been like if I had a choice. I know my parents meant well out of their love for me. It was for the best. So they say. I wonder if they regret killing their 1st grandchild. I am haunted by these sketchy memories and cannot break free of the pain, embarrassment, humiliation and mental torture it has caused in my adult life.

My message is to the young girls who find themselves in this frightening situation to SPEAK UP AND FIND THEIR RIGHTS. The loss never subsides. It is decision I have regretted my whole life, even though it was not mine to make. Find a trusted adult, teacher, anyone and stand up for your child and you. Don’t allow another to make this decision for you. It is unbearable and unspeakable when you let this happen and say nothing.

The clincher is this-I found out I was adopted and my birth mother was 15 when she had me. What if she was forced to kill me and then I wouldn’t be here???? I have since found her and she is married to my biological dad and they had another baby right after me and kept him, got married and beat the odds. They live with their ghosts too, for giving me up, but at least I am here and I had a chance. My baby never even had that.

M / Woobie1970@fuse.net



Dearest “M”,
My heart broke for you as I read your story and may I tell you that your sadness for your loss is very true, very real and OK to feel.

You were in a situation where you were not told of your choices. Unfortunately, your parents took control of something that they really didn’t know of the repercussions that you would experience in your heart.

You asked if you were being punished because you can not conceive. Oh my dear friend, NO. Really … the answer to that is no. Jesus, on the cross, bore our sorrow, our shame and our sin. He took on the punishment my friend, so that you would not have to.

Unfortunately, we are subject to our bodies and the consequences of ‘life’ BUT ………… guess what! We have a mighty and awesome God! He is the Giver of live. He has an appointed day and time that a child is to be born to you, my friend. Please try to commit this to Him.

I had 2 abortions and I was NOT forced as you were. Our situations are a little different because I chose to do this. I would love to share my story with you:

There is a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” and it was a book that I went through. We will have it available on our website in June … this is an amazing book filled with helps for healing. I’d love to see you get that freedom and walk in the peace that God offers you.

All this to say my friend. God loves you, He has a plan for you and if
you can find it in your heart to look to Him and ask Him for His help and direction and strength, He will give it.

Just know that I am here, you are not alone in your pain and I hope that some day soon I will get a joyful e-mail telling me of the joy you have in your heart because of the freedom that you have. I’m just a keystroke away.

Luv Lisa / dearbecky@standupgirl.com


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