Thinking bout my old life.
It might be my fault that my family fell apart. I know it’s my fault. Maybe if I wasn’t pregnant, my dad wouldn’t have left like that. He might have gotten a regular divorce. Told us in advance and not have left us. If I wasn’t pregnant, then my mom wouldn’t have gotten so sour. She used to be the sweetest mom. In school, I used to write to her every Mother’s Day. I used to hug her and tell her “I love you” every night and she would say “I love you” back. Now I can’t look at her without her glaring at me or telling me that now she has another mouth to feed.
When I was younger my mom used to tell me that I was the joy in her life and that she had big plans for me. In the pictures I see when I was a baby, I saw everyone happy, caring, loving, perfect. I see those pictures and I think about the future.
I think about the could have happen and what didn’t happen and what is happening. I think about my dad, and ask questions. I think bout my baby daddy and ask questions. I think bout my mom and think bout questions. I think about my sister, who I let down. I think about my friends and ask then why did they leave me. I thought we were BFF. I think bout my baby and I think about me.
Pregnancy did change my life. I don’t want to put my baby for adoption, but I’m starting to. I don’t, I don’t, and I don’t want to put my little girl in adoption. I really don’t. I don’t think I can. But I don’t have money. I’m only 14. No place is going to hire a 14 year old girl who doesn’t even go to school and has a baby and if there was a place, what will happen with my lil girl? There’s nowhere to leave her. I can’t leave her with a stranger, no way. and I can’t leave her with anybody I know. They wouldn’t take care of her and they don’t even care. I don’t even have a crib for her and not even clothes for her to live. The environment in my house is bad. I’m all alone. In my head, I don’t even know what age I am sometimes. Sometimes, I do feel like my age, but there are times that I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry my heart out and I want my mom there to hug me and comfort me. There are times i fell like a little kid and there are times i feel like an 42 year old women.
Crushes, dates, movies, parties, school, teenage life. That’s all gone. I envy some teen moms. I’m like, wow, I wish i had their life. Even five dollars would help at least, but I wasted all my collage money and all my saving money to buy at least a couple things for the baby and now in my bank, I have literally 0 dollars. ZERO. Nothing.
I don’t know anymore.
