Dear Becky,

i found out im pregnant i couple of days ago and i still havent told my parents.  How am i supposed to say im pregnant?! the only person who knows is my boyfriend…

my boyfriend has always been there for me, we were best friends before we went out. he used feel like he has to protect me over everyone else and that used to make me feel special and loved.

he has been talking about what we are going to name the baby and stuff like that! i couldnt believe it when i went round his house and hes picking out cots he likes! i told him i wanted an abortion and he flipped. he had never yelled at me before and i hate that i made him upset.

his family dont believe in abortion and neither do i really but i dont know what else to do.i wanted to go to university and travel round the world… how am i suposed to do that with a baby???

he still hates it when i talk to him about abortions and i feel that there isnt enough time to get him to change his mind. i really dont want to have a baby of have an operation to get it removed. i just want to take some abortion pills and take whatever pain i get because i deserve it really… i was stupid enough to get pregnant

i feel scared and stupid without my boyfriend on my side. i really dont know what to do? and what if i have the baby and he desides he doesnt want it after all?

please help

Alice

Hi Alice,

Thanks for emailing.  Becky gets a lot of letters, and I help her handle them.  My name is April, and it is good to talk with you.  As a young woman, you are not alone in being uncomfortable with abortion. More and more young people are rejecting it.

Abortion is a really hard and a really big decision.  I can certainly understand the bind in which you find yourself now.  I just want you to know that things will be ok.  You will be able to get through this. 

There is no use kicking yourself for having gotten pregnant.  What’s done is done.  Don’t add to your problems by hating yourself for the situation that you are now in.  The best thing that you can do is admit your mistake an move on – don’t dwell on it.  Everyone makes mistakes but what matters is how we deal with those mistakes once we have made them.

From your email I feel like you may be feeling rushed to make a decision.  If you are feeling this way I completely understand, but try not to feel pressure to make a decision as fast as you can.  The decision that you make now will effect you for the rest of your life and it’s important that you all the facts and information first. 

I definitely do not suggest that you take the abortion pill and deal with the pain as a way to discipline yourself for getting pregnant.  That is really not fair to either you or your baby.  You already know that what you did was wrong so there is no need to punish yourself.  Don’t make your life harder than you have to.  Just forgive yourself right now and move forward.  All that you can do now is to start making good decisions. 

You know, I talk to so many women who choose abortion.  Most of them really, really regret it later.  Most of them make the decision for abortion because they have plans for the future and they are afraid a baby will interrupt that.  The truth of the matter is that having a baby is hard, but it is not impossible.  I have never heard anyone say they regretted giving birth to their child, but I have heard so many people regret their abortion.  In your email you said you were afraid that you would decide to parent your child and your boyfriend would change his mind about that later.  That might be the case, but what is far more likely is that you would choose abortion and regret that later. 

If you are considering abortion, the best advice I can give you is to get some information on fetal development.  The reason is because it is so important that if a woman chooses abortion she has all the information before hand.  I have spoken with so many women who made an abortion decision yet after they found out just what their baby looked like when they had the procedure done and they were devastated beyond words.  I don’t want you to go through that.  I really want you to get all the information now.  Here is a great website with fetal development videos:  http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=210. 

Having a baby doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t still achieve your dreams.  Yes, it is true that having a baby is hard work, but if you are determined you can still achieve your dreams.  It’s not impossible.  I would like to be the first one to tell you that I think it is possible for you to be a mother and be a GOOD mother.  I think that you have the ability.  I’m sure you are dealing with a lot of negative thoughts that say you can’t do this.  I just feel otherwise because there have been so many other girls in your position who have excelled at being a parent. 

I know that you have a lot on your plate right now.  I’m sure you are overwhelmed and flooded with emotion.  I just want to tell you to take one day at a time.  That is all you can do.  Take a deep breath.  I believe in you!  I think that you have what it takes. 

I would love to continue to talk with you.  Let me know how you are doing.

Much love,

April

thank you so much! i feel a lot better about myself and knowing that someone believes i can be a GOOD mummy. i can see my boyfriend’s side of things alot better now thanks to your letter. im going to tell my parents the news while i still have this confidence (which i hope lasts). im also going to sort things out with my boyfriend. i dont want him to feel bad and i want him on my side comforting me when things get hard. thankyou so so so much! i will tell you about what my parents say and how things are going when i get the chance

with love Alice xxx

Hey Alice,

Thanks for emailing me back. 

I am so glad that you have decided to tell your parents and you are going to try to sort things out with your boyfriend.  Those are really good steps to take.  Both are very hard things to do and take a lot of courage, so I applaud you! 

You know, I really think you have your head on right.  Just take one day at a time and you will be able to get through this.  Just remember that abortion is not your only option.  There are a lot of options to choose from.  I’m sure you’ll feel pressure from family and friends to abort, but stick to your guns.  If you choose abortion you are the one who has to deal with the negative consequences – not them. 

I think you are going to be able to get through this ok.  Let me know how things go.

Much love,

April

hi,

i told my parents. they were mad at first. i mean really mad! but then they calmed down and luckily they dont think abortion is the right route either so thats a positive

i told my boyfriend how i was feeling. he said that he didnt even realise he was doing it! although he did say he was sorry for putting stress on me and stuff because he didnt realise what was upsetting me at first. i also told him my concerns about him leaving me after the baby is born but he just said i was being paranoid and that he could never ever do that. that made me feel so happy!

i was really worried about school and what people will say but luckily i would have already left school by the time ive got a huge belly. and im not really bothered about what they say anyway!

thankyou s much for helping me grow up and keep my head on straight!

love Alice

p.s: i have started looking at names for the baby!!!

Dear Alice,

I am so happy for you!  I am so glad that you have told your parents and you have decided to give life to your child!  What wonderful news! 

I’m sure that telling your parents was hard, but it was also the right thing to do.  You should be so proud of yourself. 

Let me know what you decide to name your baby and keep me posted on your pregnancy. 

Way to go!  I am so happy for you!

Much love,

April