My situation is kind of different, but after reading your site tonight, I felt I had to write. On January 23rd, I found out I was pregnant. I’m twenty years old, just barely making it by financially, and unmarried. My fiance and I have not purchased a house yet, nor even begun to plan our wedding. I didn’t understand how I could be pregnant – I was on the depo shot! It’s not supposed to happen that way. My fiance and I spent many nights in tears trying to figure out what to do. I desperately wanted my baby with all of my
heart. I knew she was a girl, and I knew I needed her. My fiance wanted me to have an abortion, “we can have children later on” was his argument.
We had not made any decisions, when I awoke one morning to extreme pain in my lower sides. After trying to make it through a day of work unsuccessfully, I ended up in the ER. They did an ultrasound, and broke the news to me that there was only a gestational sac, and no baby. I was either having a blighted ovum, or I wasn’t as far along as I thought I was. My heart broke. From that moment on, the word abortion was never again mentioned. All of our energy and prayer was focused on our baby. Every single night for two weeks, I prayed that our baby would develop, and that we would see a heartbeat on the next ultrasound.
On February 14th, we went in for our much-anticipated follow-up ultrasound. The ultrasound technician took her time, measuring things, and then finally turned the monitor to me…and showed me my beautiful baby. Within her body you could see that little blinking light…her heartbeat. I never cried so much in my life. Then, she measured how many beats per minute the baby’s heart was going, and informed me that it was 86. I’d done a lot of research in the previous two weeks, and I knew that was entirely too low for a baby of nine weeks gestation. It was supposed to be between 120 and 180. I asked both her and my doctor repeatedly if that was okay, and they said the baby’s
heartrate was fine, so I trusted them.
The following Monday, I went back to my doctor and demanded another ultrasound. I’d been physically ill all weekend worrying about the heart rate. He scheduled me for another one that afternoon, and the technician was rude, rushed, and very unhelpful. She kept telling me she didn’t see anything, and that there was nothing there. She sent me home, and informed me that my doctor would call me that afternoon with the results. He did not call me until Tuesday afternoon, to inform me that he had scheduled me for a D&C for the following morning, because my baby had died. I refused to accept this because of how horrible an experience the ultrasound the previous day had been, and I refused to have the surgery unless another ultrasound to my specifications was done. He agreed to have another done the next morning, before the surgery.
I spent the night in my fiance’s arms sobbing, praying, doing everything possible in my power to ask God to let my baby be okay. We’d done such a turnaround in the past month – we’d gone from being fearful of being parents, to being terrified of losing our baby. The next morning, I went for my final ultrasound. The technician took her time and showed me our baby, which no longer had a heartbeat, and was not wiggling around like she had been the previous week. My heart broke. She left me to get dressed, and I just sat on the table and cried while my fiance held me. I had my surgery that morning, and just like that, my baby was gone.
It’s been five weeks since my little angel left me. We received the test results back last wednesday, and it was found that our baby had trisomy 16, a chromosomal abnormality that is a common cause of miscarriage. Nothing I could have done or prevented would have saved her. Her condition was classified as “incompatible with life”, and she would not have made it through the first trimester. She was a fighter though, and made it to ten weeks before earning her wings. We also found out she was female, which confirmed my instinct from day one.
Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of my little girl. I named her Gracia, and she’s with me always. I will never, ever forget her. I can’t even imagine now, how I could have ever not wanted her. It’s killing me to not have her with me, and yet, for a brief time, I thought I didn’t want her. I hope that at least one girl will read this, and think twice before considering an abortion. I promise you, the first time you see that beautiful, blinking heartbeat on the screen, it’s all worth it. I wish I could tell you how beautiful a sound it is to hear your baby cry for the first time, to feel her kick, but I cannot. All I can tell you, is it is so worth it to see that life growing. God bless, and stay safe.
All my love,
Melissa and angel Gracia
Melissa | firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing a very intimate part of your life with me, and with others through the website. Your story shows how you gained a profound appreciation of life, from it’s very earliest stages! What
a beautiful witness you are.
Tragedy hits and sometimes it is only then that we appreciate what we had. That happened to me, when my dad died. He was young (47) and I wasn’t prepared for how his death would affect me. I wished that I could have
expressed to him more fully how much I loved him. I wished that I would have savoured our time together more.
It sounds like you have a very wonderful fiance and that you are going through all of this together. What a blessing that is. Continue to rely on God for your strength. He will heal you, in time. You will never forget your little angel who spent such a brief time here on earth, but don’t forget you will be reunited with her in heaven someday!