I am going to be open, no matter how many tears I shed. Â This is still very painful for me. Â The guy who broke my heart the whole story begins in December 2013 when I was transferred to New Orleans. Â I met a man named Nate. Â I was 19 years old and Nate’s roommate was my sponsor. Â I showed up right before Holiday Routine started (time off for Christmas) and my sponsor went home on leave. Â Nate took me under his wing and became my mentor. Â He was in my duty section so whenever he had the overnight, he would teach me things. Â The different tools, the parts of the engine, general aircraft stuff, etc.
We had duty Christmas Eve and since I had no plans and didn’t really have any friends yet, Nate gave me directions to his house and his number and said that I was welcome to join him if I got bored.
I spent Christmas morning on the phone with my family opening presents on the phone and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep because it was the first time I was really far away from my family and I missed them. Â Must have been because I was working the year before that I didn’t really have time to miss them. Â Anyway, I ended up sleeping until early evening. Â I decided to take Nate up on his offer and gave him a call. Â I got myself dressed and went over to his house.
He was so nice to me. Â We just hung out and talked for hours. Â Next thing I know, he’s offering me a back massage. Â After a few awkward minutes, I felt him kiss my neck. Â We ended up making out for awhile and then I finally decided it was time to go home. Â Our secret relationship started then. Â Because he was my mentor and the person I worked with constantly, it was a HUGE no-no that we were dating. Â Well, dating isn’t the right word since we couldn’t really go out on dates. Â We were seeing each other.
Over the next several months, it got more and more serious. Â I was spending a lot of time at his house and even spending the night on weekends. Â Both of his roommates worked with us and knew we were seeing each other and didn’t say anything to anyone. Â Eventually we decided that we were together and he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. Â I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet but he is 12 years older than me.
I ended up spending all my free time at his house. Â I barely saw the few friends that I did have. Â Instead of encouraging me to spend time with them when he had to work and I didn’t, he made me feel horrible about not being home when he called (cell service sucked where I lived).
6 months have gone by and it was almost his birthday. Â He was going out with some friends to this club and was going to be out until after the sun came up. Â I was a little disappointed that he didn’t want to see me on his birthday but I wanted him to have fun. Â I asked him if he needed a ride and he said that he’d take a cab so he wouldn’t have to wake me. Â On the night of his birthday, I was at home alone and a few of the guys from work asked if I wanted to go to Bourbon Street with them. Â Since I had nothing to do and no reason to wait around by the phone, I said sure. Â I figured I would be home in a few hours and that way if Nate did need a ride then I could get him.
I left my cell in my car because the jeans I wore didn’t have any pockets. Â When I started to head home around 3 or 4 am, I had several missed calls and some messages…all from Nate. Â The first couple of messages were along the lines of “You must be sleeping. Â You’re so cute when you’re sleeping.” to “Where the f**k are you? Â Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
I called him back and he ignored my calls. Â I left him a message telling him that I was on my way home and that I figured he would have been out for a few more hours and that I could come over if he wanted. Â He finally called me when I was halfway to his house and he was angry. Â He told me to go home. Â I think I had just about pulled into my parking spot when he called me back and said that I could come over if I wanted. Â Since I was so completely blinded by the rose colored glasses I was wearing I drove to his house…30 minutes away.
We had a huge argument when I got there but he ended up cooling off and we ended up having birthday/make up sex. Â The next 6 weeks were crazy. Â Work had me super stressed out, I was constantly doing things and just so hectic that I hadn’t realized that “Aunt Flow” hadn’t been to visit in a long time. Â I had taken a pregnancy test when I thought I had missed my period but it came back negative. Â I tested too early. Â Several weeks later, I figured that the stress was just so high that I missed my period (which happened at boot camp). Â I ended up getting a 2-pack pregnancy test. Â I went back home and took a nap. Â Figuring I had nothing to worry about, I just waited.
I woke up and took the first test. Â Since my roommate wasn’t home, I left it on the counter and went outside to smoke. Â After more than 5 minutes, I went back inside and found a positive pregnancy test. Â I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I did exactly what the instructions tell you not to do…I chugged a ton of water in order to make myself have to go again and took the second test. Â I went back outside and chain smoked like 5 cigarettes while waiting those incredibly long 5 minutes. Â When I saw another positive test, I ran next door and asked my friend to come take a look at something. Â “I think I’m loosing my mind, Jess*.” Â I pointed her towards the bathroom were the test was visible and she came back and told me I wasn’t loosing my mind.
I freaked out. Â I wigged out. Â I bawled my eyes out. Â The first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn’t keep it. Â I was barely 20 years old. Â I didn’t have a handle on my life…how could I bring in a baby into my world being ciaos? Â I fought an battle in my head: Tell Nate/Don’t tell Nate. Â I told him. Â He was surprisingly calm. Â It made me feel better briefly. Â Within a matter of 24 hours, he filled my head with all these horrible things that could happen if I kept the baby and pretty much told me that the only option was to get an abortion.
I always thought that abortion was irresponsible. Â I thought that if you’re adult enough to have sex then you’re adult enough to deal with the consequences if you do not use protection. Â I always told myself that if I made the wrong choice and ended up getting pregnant then I would deal with it because I could have prevented it. Â However, that being said, I am pro choice. Â I know with what I just said, that doesn’t make sense but this is the other half of my view.
After I grasped the concept that I was pregnant and there was a baby starting to form inside me, I was having a change of heart. Â I really didn’t want to go through with the abortion but I was convinced that I had no choice. Â Nate said that he would pay for everything so he went with me to the first appointment I had at a clinic (on a side note, this act never made it into my military medical record). Â I was fighting back tears the entire time. Â He said that if they see me upset or crying then they won’t do it. Â I thought about just crying but ended up holding it in.
They did an ultrasound, which I wasn’t allowed to see, and printed out a picture for my file. Â They told me I was about 7 weeks along. Â They scheduled me to come back the following week and start the process. Â I went to work and said that I needed to have the majority of the following week off due to personal reasons and when asked why I said that I was not comfortable talking about it. Â I got the time off and went in the next week. Â I had to take a pill orally and then within 24 hours I had to insert 3 pills. Â The doctor said that if I don’t normally cramp then I might have some slight discomfort. Â Boy that was an understatement!
When I inserted the pills the next day, I was doubled over in horrible pain in the 2 seconds it took me to get the 5 feet from the bathroom to the couch. Â It was the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. Â There was not a single position I could sit or lay in that eased the pain at all. Â I cried all night. Â I finally managed to fall asleep for an hour or so and did not fall asleep on a towel and ended up bleeding everywhere. Â It was like a living, breathing nightmare. Â Even experiencing it, I still can’t imagine the pain I was in. Â I suppose that is a good thing.
I was pretty much confined to Nate’s house for 5 days. Â By the time the weekend came, the cramps were almost completely gone and it was almost like a very heavy period. Â I needed to get out of the house and do something small like go for a walk or something just to get my energy back up before I started work again. Â I wanted to go for a walk by the lake and Nate got angry. Â He said that unless I planned on getting up before 7am and walking before the sun really came up, then I would have to go alone because it would get too hot…it was the end of August. Â I started to cry. Â I told him after what I had just went through for him, I expected him to help me through this. Â Needless to say, I didn’t get my walk by the lake and managed to get my energy back on my own.
August 24th, 2004 is the date that I lost my baby because I allowed a man to prey on my youth and innocence. Â I had a dream a few days after. Â I was in a cemetery and I was holding my little girl’s hand over a headstone. Â She was beautiful. Â She had brownish red hair in soft bouncy curls that felt so real. Â She had bright green eyes that could light up any room. Â She had rosy cheeks and ruby red lips. Â She smelled like baby powder and her skin was just so soft. Â I touched her hair to my face and held onto her hand. Â I told her that it was time for her to go to sleep. Â I felt her kiss my cheek and I laid her down in the casket beneath the headstone that read “Adriene”. Â I looked at her and said “Mommy will always love you and I will miss you always. Â Please be a brave girl for Mommy and close your eyes. Â Goodnight my little girl. Â I love you!” Â Then I woke up.
Our relationship changed drastically. Â I wanted to cry all the time and most of all when I saw Nate. Â It was a constant reminder of what I had lost because of him. Â About 3 months later, he came to visit me while I was at tech school. Â I rented a cabin for us on base by the water and one night, close to Thanksgiving or just after, we were wrestling around the living room and he pinned me down. Â He put his knees on my arms so I couldn’t move my hands. Â He covered my mouth with his hand and then used his finger and thumb to cut off my oxygen completely. Â I tried to laugh through it but when I needed to take a breath and he wouldn’t let go, I couldn’t scream or remove his hand and I started to freak out. Â He finally let me go and I choked in air. Â Want to know his response to how I reacted? Â “If you trusted me, you wouldn’t have run out of air so fast. Â You have trust issues.” Â Ya think? Â He cut off my oxygen supply yet I have trust issues…
The next month he broke up with me. Â I begged him not to and then I got angry and I threw it in his face that after what he made me do that summer, he was going to break up with me? Â What else could he do to me? Â He had already ripped my heart of out my chest and shattered it into a million pieces. Â This was just the icing on the cake.
I returned 4 months later and had to work with him every day. Â It was hard to ignore what he had put me through. Â The next summer, I had started dating my husband. Â I was at work one afternoon and needed help with something I had never done before. Â I had moved on to a point and was able to work with Nate again. Â I asked for his help and he said his piece and when I told him I was so confused because that was the 3rd person I had asked for help and had gotten 3 different answers. Â He got mad at me and started to yell. Â Not realizing that everyone in the vicinity was watching us, I looked at him and in a stern voice I told him ” I have done NOTHING to piss you off and you will not talk to me that way. Â Take a break. Â Go outside and smoke a couple of cigarettes and when you’ve calmed down, then come back and talk to me.” Â The look on the faces of everyone around me was a mix of I can’t believe she just said that to him and I can’t believe he is listening to her and just walked away! Â They had no idea of the power I had over him.
When he did calm down, he came back and apologized to me. Â I never saw his next comment coming. Â He looked at me and told me that he wished we hadn’t gone through with what we did the summer before. Â I looked up at him with a blank stare. Â I had a mixture of all sorts of emotions just come to the surface. Â I was just starting to heal from the horrible experience that he forced me into and was finally starting to allow myself to be happy again and he says what?! Â I wanted to cry, punch, hug, kick, and kiss him all at the same time. Â Then it was my turn to walk away.
This has been incredibly hard for me to write about. Â I do feel a little better. Â I think this is the first time I have actually gotten everything written down. Â Here I am, over 6 years later, still haunted by what he did to me. Â He took advantage of me. Â Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the urge to spit in his face or kick him between the legs should I ever see him again. Â I see my little girl’s face and her eyes every time I blink. Â I know that I was only 8 weeks and 2 days along and there is no way of knowing the sex but I know in my heart that my little girl should be turning 6 this March. Â She should be in kindergarten this year. Â I wonder every day what my life would have been like if I would have lied to Nate and told him that the baby was not his and just raised her as a single mother.