< Jan.20,2004>
I woke up at 5 am. I got sick one more time on the way to Cincinnati. They gave me an I.V. and told me my iron was down but not to worry about it. The doctor was late flying in from another clinic. She got the first trimester’s “out of the way” quickly. I was given two white pills to put between my lip and gums to desolve.They were given to me at separate times. A women beside me was talking about how inconvenient it was that the doctor was late because she had to get it over with and drive two hours to get home.
They called me back into a small room. There was no room to move around. The female doctor came in, and asked me a few questions. She said she was going to numb my cervix and right after that she began the procedure. The first time she went in with a tool I felt Jr move…he jerked. I was already crying but i totally lost it. I wanted to tell her to stop, i wanted to protect Jr. but it was too late. The nurse beside me wiped my tears away, as another nurse watched the killing of my baby on an ultrasound screen. I felt everything, the pain was worse then having my daughter natural. I heard her chop him up, ( it sounds almost like two clothes hangers rubbing together)Fluids rushed out and then she turned on the vacuum.She scraped out the insides of my uterus until i thought I was going to die. I heard the vacuum stop and she took it out, then they saw something and it started all over. I passed out from the pain.
When i woke up the nurse was still wiping tears from my face. The doctor left leaving the door open as i lay there half naked. The nurses told me to sit up, but i said i was too dizzy. One nurse took my I.V. out as she held my arm. I couldn’t feel her touch. They sat me up even though i was dizzy and felt sick.
Right in front of me was Jr. in this big Jar. It was completly full from him and fluids. The nurse saw my face and quickly stood in front of me while the other got ready to take him out. The nurse who wiped my tears removed the tray under me and dumped it down the sink, using the garbage disposal. She handed me wipes slidding the trash can over to me, that had no top and was completly full of the wipes from the women before me. She quickly got me dressed, as she carried my shoes she rushed me into the recovery room after they gave me shots.
She took my blood preasure when i first went into the room. After about 10 minutes she had me go check my bleeding. There was none. She let me leave. On the ride home i felt gushes. My stepfather pulled into a gas station. I went to the bathroom sat down and couldn’t even feel myself pee. I had no control over my bladder. When i stood up i saw all the blood in the toilet. It looked like i had just bled to death. It was everywhere. Feeling Jr. try to get away, i knew it was to late to save my son.
It’s hard for me to understand that he is no longer in my stomach. Now he is in heaven. I’m home, still dizzy, still in so much pain. i miss my baby. i wonder if he knows i love him. i can’t beleive i let the world decide his fate, and i can’t believe i couldn’t save him.
I have prayed to God for forgiveness. I talk to Jr. a lot. God gave me a special gift, He gave me Jr. I was supposed to protect him. I love him so much. In my death I pray God will let me see my baby, let me hold him and kiss his forehead. I regret losing my baby. It hasnt got any easier in my head. I know a day won’t go by that I dont think of him and regret what I let that man do to me and him. I miss him. I pray to see him while I am asleep yet nightmares are all I receive. It hurts knowing I will never see him or hold him. I wonder if he is ok. The thought of him being without his mommy and missing me kills me inside. God only knows how much I love and miss him. I want him back so badly safe inside my womb. I am so unworthy. All this makes me wonder if I have the ability to be a good mother to Abby. If I ever lost her I would die. I’ve lost my son, I cant handle losing her too.
Losing a baby kills ones insides. My heart is so broken. I’ll never be the same. A huge part of me is gone. My son is gone, my baby, my innocent little baby that only needed love and protection. I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t stop them. He was so scared and I couldn’t protect him. It was to late. I failed him. My heart hurts so bad. He was the victim of this world and I failed him. My poor baby. I want to see him, want to hold him. Garth Brooks song, “When you come back to me again” reminds me of him. I miss him. I feel so empty.
Please visit my website, dedicated to my son at http://www.michaeljr.org.
Stephanie | steoh_abster@yahoo.com
Dear Stephanie,
My heart breaks for you. What an ordeal to have been through. I think it is so beautiful that you are willing to share your experience with others, so that they can be spared from going down the same road you have. That is truly a courageous thing to do.
You are grieving the loss of your child. This is so painful, but it is something you need to do. You need to cry and mourn the loss of your child. Some women try and push it under the rug and forget about it…but this doesn’t work. It eventually comes to the surface again…and it isn’t any easier to deal with then. One suggestion that I have is that you find a place where you can go and be a part of a group where there are other women that have had similar experiences to you.
Here’s a website that can connect you with places where you can find this support,
http://www.optionline.org/locate.html
Once you get into this site, type in your city and state and it will pull up a list. Look under “Programs” and you may see “Post Abortion” and things of that nature and if you contact them, ask them if they do a group with the book “Forgiven and Set Free” by Linda Chochran. My friend Lisa has been through this program and found much healing through it. God knows your pain and He wants to be there for you.
Turn to Him and He will bring you healing and peace. You are in my prayers.
Becky and Lisa | Contact Becky
