11 months ago i met my boyfriend and we began dating right away. we were fascinated by eachothers different ideas yet same way of thinking. we fell in love sooo fast! but it felt like there was nothing to loose by loving him..so i went for it..and not even 3 monthslater i found myself wanting his children, and without trying for more then 2 weeks…we were pregnant. now i know i said i wanted to have his kids…but when it was reality, my mind went totally haywire. i didnt think it would happen so fast..or maybe i didnt expect it to happen at all.but it did..and deep down my heart yearned to se this baby in my arms. i work with kids in a daycare and have allt he patience int he world..my boyfriend is totally supportive and wanted the baby too…so the plan was to keep it…but meanwhile my mom and ex boyfriend/childhood bestfriend disagreed and my boyfriend was pushed away. i stopped going to school for a few weeks and my only influences were people who didnt want me to keep the baby. i was stuck in my house..and really stuck inside my own head with all the pressure of the world on my shoulders. ive never cried so much in my life..every day..before bed…whenever i talked to my bf about it…i even askd him what he thought about abortion he said hed leave me if i did it but that if its what I wanted then go for it. instead of seeing what i should do it scared me and i was still left with no sure decision. my mom took me to a few clinics just to talk about my options..but it turned into talking about why abortions were sucha good idea and it was clear that thats all anyone around me wanted. i was so sick of crying and so sick of the pressure and disaproval..and not having the support of my boyfriend cuz we werent alowed to see eachtoher… i got home and told my brother to tell my mom ill do it i hid under the covers in my bed curled up and cried so hard knwoing it wasnt what i wanted..but i wanted EVERYTHING to end because it was just way too much for me. mind you..i have anxiety and depression disorders..so when i hit rock bottom..i really hit rock bottom. a few days later i made the appointment myself wich made it so hard..but i was going through with it. and i didnt see myself backing out now…even though i wanted to more than anything..
through the next week i talked to my boyfriend and pretended like we were still going to have the baby…my guilt killed me inside but i didnt want him to leave me. when the day came i went to the clinic with my mom and acted like nothing was wrong the whole time..i was totally calm not realizing i was about to ruin my life. i went into a room to get an ultrasound but the lady took forever to come in..so i sat there 30 minutes crying on and off not sure if i was all that ready..i told myself "if she comes in after the minute hand goes aroudnt he clock one more time…then im keeping the baby..if she comes in before it then im having the abortion…well heres my luck…as soon as the minute hand hit 60seconds she walked in..so what the hell was i gona do?
she says "first i have to ask you if this is what you really want" and i slapped my hands to my face and started balling…i knew my anser but i choked out "my mom really wants me to and i dont knoww…" i mumbled some more and then got myself together cuz i told myself No More Crying…she handed me a tissue and i said "yeaa.." so we got a picture of the baby..i kept one for me and one for my boyfriend… she seemd confused by that… shes such a professional yet she couldnt see that i didnt want to do it by all my tears and the fact that i wanted a picture of the baby… her only concern was getting it over with rather than the fact that my happiness was at risk.
we went into another room with my mom and i signed sooo many papers.. i chose a form of abortion through pill because i was scared to have surgery.. the whole 40 minutes of signing and agreeing to it all i kept my mouth shut tight and choked bakc my tears..my mom asked me a few times if i was sure but if i sed no i knew id cry…so i said yes.
the lady left and came back with a huge pill..and a cup of water..as soon as she handed it to me i took it ..i didnt even wana second guess it. there was 4 more pills to be taken to complete the process but that would be the next day at home. the first pill basicly stopped my hormones from giving my baby life…wich ment there was no turning back.
i left the place with a little bag of animal crackers…compliments of the clinic…..
i was so hungry and my only thoughts were to find something to distract myself from pain so we got somethin to eat before going home. i went to bed with my brain so tired fo all the things i had to process throughout the day..and my heart empty ..
i woke up the next morning and it hit me what i had done to myself and MY child. i started crying for about an hour til my mom heard me and came in my room …she asked what was wrong…through sobs i spilled out that i didnt want to do it…and she satrted to cradle me she said "why didnt u tell me brianna i asked you" she had such sympothy for me that i realized i had the chance to stop it all but it was too late by now. so all i could do was look forward to finishing what i started.
to help me feel better we went to get our toenails done but all i felt the whole time was guilt and regret. i texted my bf telling him i was at the hospital and i miscarried…that was it..i hate myself for being so deceitful of him but i knew the pain i felt and ididnt want him to feel the same.i started havin some cramps and sweating alot. wen we got home i took the rest of the pills..i had to let 2 on one side of my cheeks and 2 on the other dissolve for a half hour and then swallow what was left…my mom gave me a heating pad and a bucket (for throwup) and left to get my painkillers. i started getting the worste cramps ive ever had in my life. i called my boyfriend and started crying in agony of my pain..he asked to come see me so he could help me but my mom said to wait for her to get home..so i said no..i hung up and the blood started pouring out. i threw up and ran to the bathroom..i sat ont he toilet so wacked outfrom the pain my body was numb and i was burning up..i ripped off all my clothes and fell on the floor…i started yelling in pain and finally my mom came home..i bled all over the floor and myself and all i wanted was to not be conscious because this pain wasnt supposed to be so severe . i passed out fora few minutes and when i woke bakc up my mom was putting clothes on me and my aunt carried me out to the car. we rushed to a hospital about 45 min away. i was shivering and the crampng was lightening up. my body was still numb. we finally gotthere and i didnt even know what to tell the nurse. they took my info and had me wait for a longtime. a couple hours later i was feeling fine..a little shooken and tired but..it was pretty much over with..except the bleeding.. they gaveme an ultrasoud and the baby was gone. it was so uncomfortable to be handled so lightly because it was devastating for me.
i stayed home from school all week and wen i went back every1 knew i lost the baby…but they only knew by miscarriage…i didnt want the drama of a bunch of immature highschool kids misundertstanding my situation.
the next 2 months were spent with my boyfriend crying..he always tried to make me feel better by saying its not my fault ..but i knew that it really was and it hurt every time i lied to him. it was his baby too and he should have had a say in it. finally one night i started crying and i clung to him ..the lights were off..he woke up and asked me what was wrong and i said "i have to tell you something:" after a while of crying and hinting he knew what i ment and he told me to say the words myself…so i did…i never felt so horrible and i expected him to break up with me then and there i even told him thats what i thougth would happen…but he just grabbed me and held me tight. i know he'll never understand from my point of view..but he forgave me..to an extent. we fight sometimes and if thats braught up he'll say something negative about what i did..but i let himbecause thats the least he can do.. but even now 7 months later im still in pain. i failed my junior year of highschool and lost my spot in the childcare program wich is my dream…
my boyfriend and i went through sucha hard time up until 3 months ago i barely remember everything becaus i was such a mess. now we are so strong and more in love then we've ever been in and i can feel us growing up so much. and about 2 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant..wich makes me 2months right now..and i couldnt be more sure of what i want. and i couldnt be ANY happier about this baby. i know god felt that i wasnt ready before so he gave me some time to figure myself out..and i know he gave me back the baby i was going to have the first time.
i dont want to say i wish i did things differently because im so happy with my life right now..i have a lot to fix (with school) and my job but im so willing to do that if it means having my baby back. but i will say i wish i never had to feel the pain i felt and i hope i never have to feel it again..so anyone whos reading this make surre u do whats in YOUR heart because in the end u know its ur decision that matters and its YOUR life that changes.