Hey, so first blog… I think I will tell you about my day… Later, I will explain my story and it will all come together. But the last few days have been tough and I need to let it out.

My boyfriend, he’s amazing… We’re amazing together. We just go together. We don’t fight, we get along, and we just understand, to put it simply. At the moment, we are… still in time. I don’t feel we’re going anywhere… Just stuck here. Here’s not a horrible place to be. As a matter of fact, it’s not bad at all, but I feel like we’re not moving, just watching everything, life, people, everything going by us. I love him, I honestly do, but nothing is like my first love.

But to the point of the story… Today, my older brother and his wife whom I look up to and adore so much invited us for dinner. Of course, I said yes and told my boyfriend. Right away, he agreed. All day, I looked forward to it. When I picked him up from work, I told him my brother also asked if we could watch his daughter for a few hours after dinner so he could play his soccer game. My boyfriend replied with than I’m not coming. I don’t blame him for not liking crying kids but I wish he could just do something like this for me, something small like spending a few hours with some of the most important people in my life, my family. So after negotiating, I asked if he would come for dinner than go out with friends after. I still got no as an answer. Now its fine he doesn’t want to come but i felt so bad lying to my brother that he had to work late as they were looking so forward to having us over. And I was to, just to hangout as 2 couples, finally as an adult and not just a little sister.  I spend days with his family, although they get on my nerves. I am still my loving upbeat self and they adore me. My family is nothing but the same and more towards him. He is invited for dinner and treated like one of us he is truly apart of me, which makes my family love him even more. My family is my life. They complete me and one day, I will write more about them, about every single one of them… But back to the story/my life

Now, the other side of the story… Last night, I talked to my ex (as friends, of course. I would never in my life go behind my boyfriend’s back). You’ll here more about him in another post, but we had a moment. I found a box from our baby while moving. It had a little jacket, some books, some paper work, and one special book “I’ll love you forever”. This made me cry. Its been so long that I’ve cried. Everyday is hard but I try so hard to keep myself positive, tell myself I’m going to sort my life out, make money, and whatnot before I plan out a family. I am so desperate though. I want a family. I want my baby. I want everything else back. My ex, our life. Anyways, trying to get back on track, I read this book over and over and over, the words so so so true to me, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”.

So today, when arguing with my boyfriend, he said he is not a baby person, he hates crying kids. This is when I had to hang-up and pull over. Before i knew it, I was sobbing. Everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, I’ve grown up dreaming of being a mother, having a beautiful family. And here, I have been with this man, doing everything in my willpower to be the best I can be for him, do the best I can do for him and he doesn’t even want or understand me and my dreams. It was like he had suddenly forgot my past (which you will hear more about later). It broke my heart and it got me questioning – maybe this is my sign, my sign from God… Maybe I am not supposed to be with him, maybe this is my turn around signal, or maybe this is my chance to show someone else how there is truly something better out there, change someone’s life for the better, put it into motion again (see previous statement).

Anyways, those are my feelings for now… I know, scattered. I’ve never done this before but it does feel good to get it out, to write it down… Even if no one reads this (maybe for the better), its there, its real, its not all in my head, its on paper… or the net for now.