Fear of Telling
  When I was 18 I went to a party with my sister, she hooks' up with this guy, and well they all told me to just go make out with this one guy. I did for awhile, and when I left the room the guy and my sister was having sex in the room […]


When I was 18 I went to a party with my sister, she hooks' up with this guy, and well they all told me to just go make out with this one guy. I did for awhile, and when I left the room the guy and my sister was having sex in the room and said just go lay in the room and don't worry, I went back in the room and drank a little more, and ending up dating this guy that ended up forcing me to have sex with him, it was one of the worst days of my life, was I forced to have sex, I did say no, was I coursed, was I drunk, or did I really want it like he said. Not really knowing he seemed nice and maybe I was over reacting, I couldn't say anything afraid of be laughed at or looked down on I went on, He came and seen me work, my sister and her guy wanted me to go out with all them again, he was 26, and well I felt I guess maybe he was for me, he came by and seen me. We started dating and at time when I didn't want to have sex he would pursue until we did still even forcing me at times, I was told about a month into dating his ex was pregnant, and well I just did not know if I was scared or now crazy I stayed with him, after 5 months of dating I thought  I might pregnant, I said nothing, denial sat in, not feeling good, tired, my boyfriend wanted me to go out drinking, coming home we had sex, often hurting me when I did not want to have sex. I found out he was going out and seeing his ex and other women, I was mad and left, I went to my sisters, did not sat nothing at first, but my sister closest to me had thoughts. I walked to the Abortion Clinic in Vegas and kept walking so scared I was 18, my family a mess and while almost everyone of my sister became moms at 16 and 17 I wanted nothing to do with it, I did not want to be a parent,  I hated myself, and I wanted to disappear. I seen a sign saying "Free Pregnancy testing here"

I don't know to this day what put me through those doors but I am glad it did, I was given a test, a woman came in and talked to me told me I was pregnant, she gave me an ultrasound as well I was 12 weeks pregnant.  Stunned, shocked, sad, and a little happy, but thoughts of despair knowing it was part of him inside of me, I was hoping she would say we could arrange an abortion, but she said do you know your babies has a heartbeat, have you a safe place to stay, please consider looking at these videos  will you, so I sat there, I watched on the stages of life of a life in the womb. I left that day still unsure of what I was doing, my boyfriend came by and asked me about it and gave me $200.00 for the abortion, and did say he would help in any way, it made me sick, I don't think he realizes still today, he hurt me. I called the clinic again, I was told how far along I was it would be a 2 day procedure, what, scared upset, I told my closest sister, she cried with me and never really said anything again. I did not have the abortion, about 6 months in I was over feeling like I was a victim and made my choice, a choice that has mad me think everyday, hurt once a year and happy when I SEE PHOTOS OF MY SON WITH HIS GIVEN FAMILY. A family that I chose, two people that some friends of family new of that have never been able to get pregnant, I wanted to not end life but give happiness to two people even if I was going through hell with the decision, you see I struggled with the choice of the abortion that I new was wrong and the choice of adoption that I new was right. My friendship with the future mother of my child grew, we were friends but still I did not want to hurt when I gave up my child, when the time came, my son a blessing not only to them but to me birth new life for both of us, you see they picked him to be their child, I gave my child the best I could, parents that loved him a home, I did not have even love of myself at that time. After I came home I hurt I cried at night, missing him, wanting to go and get him, but he was promised to them, I new it was the best place for him, he was wanted, people who prayed for a child now was given one, but me all my pain once again came to a head when not one person said Is this what you really want?

I held it all in, the pain, the hurt, the wanting to die, to disappear, I was to be better than all this, I, started working again, I worked 3 jobs just not to think about it, I was mad at everyone, at me, and well blamed it all on me. Now years latter I know choice started when I started drinking, going to parties with older men and listening to people, and not leaving, I am not excusing what my one sister did, or her friend, or my ex or the other people there, but me. I did not stop to think of the consequences to my actions, at the time, and through my teenage years tiring to fit in with my friends, and family I had put myself at risk. I hope this story help girls and women know sex dose not mean your grown up and if a boy or a man was to read this than having sex dose not make you a man, and forcing a girl or a woman to have sex when thy don't know if they want to, or say no means you should stop, even when the boys club says a girl wants to.  Even when choice of giving life to my baby and giving him up hurt to the deepest sea, the loss has lighten over the years since, but at time on his birthday I pray God will heal all, I never want him to know what his father was like and one day, I do keep in touch and get reports on him, on day I  hope I can tell him who his father is with out the fear of telling him everything about his father, for now I live with the thought he has two great parents who love him, pray for him, and take care of all his needs, God placed all them into motion, before so my life would change, to move to a new beginning, with new steps and  start away from all of them.

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