Dear Becky:
First I want to say thank you for this website and for standing up! I am so thankful that it exists.
While navigating through the site I did not come across a testimonial from a stand up girl who chose adoption, so I thought I would share my story with you.
I found out I was pregnant about a week before my 20th birthday. The hardest moment was sitting down to tell my dad, I wanted my mom to tell him, but she made me. The disappointment was written all over his face, but he told me they would support me anyway they could.
Whenever my friends and I would play the “what would you do if….” game I would always say I would never get an abortion if I got pregnant. Now was the time for truth or consequences. I had to make a choice. I felt I had three options: get an abortion, keep the baby, or give it up for adoption. My boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion and I did think about it…. for 15 minutes. I just couldn’t do that, I knew there was a life inside me and I would not end it for my own convenience. The next option was keeping the baby. I didn’t feel this was a good alternative because I wanted my child to have a home with a mother and father present and my boyfriend wasn’t ready to settle down and get married. Being raised myself by a single mother gave me a first hand look at the reality of it. I wanted more for my child. In the end I decided I had to do what was best for the baby and not myself. I decided to give the baby up for adoption. My family was supportive but my mom cried a lot and said things like, “What if you’re never able to have children again?” But the love I had for my child came first and I felt that since life is so hard anyway, I wanted to give my baby the best start possible. I felt that placing the child in a home with two loving parents that had the financial capacity to care for it would ultimately be the best.
I looked in the phone book under adoption and found a lawyer that specialized in placing babies. I made an appointment and went in to find out how it worked. I decided to do a closed adoption because I thought it would be too hard for the child to have a birth mother popping into it’s life. And I thought it would be easier for me to go on with my life and I could put it all behind me. I was shown an album of pictures of perspective parents and chose a few to investigate. The thing that jumped out at me about the couple I chose was that they said a sense of humor was very important to them. That was something I had in my family and think it is essential. The father was a veterinarian, which I thought was cool because I love animals and loved the idea of my child being surrounded by them. The mother was a family therapist, which I thought would be great because she should have the ability to handle all the issues an adopted child would have.
I began writing back and forth with the family through the lawyer. I told them the things that were important to me and to wanted to make sure my child knew I didn’t chose adoption because I didn’t love or want “it.” On the contrary I loved it so much that I decided to give up the chance of raising it for all the opportunities a stable home could bring. I have faith that his parents will share those letters with him and teach him that he was very much wanted and loved.
My boyfriend attended birthing classes with me and was supportive. He was there with me when I delivered. There was a scary moment during delivery when the baby’s heart beat slowed and they thought they might have to do a C-section. I was so scared that I had come that far and then my baby’s life was in danger. The doctor ended up using a vacuum on the baby’s head to speed the delivery. The cord had been wrapped around his neck and that’s why his heartbeat wasn’t stable. Nonetheless I delivered a healthy 8 lb baby boy. They asked me if I wanted to hold the baby and I said OF COURSE! After 9 months of pregnancy I was bound and determined to see this precious life and who was kicking me all those times!
The nurses took such great care of him and brought him to me whenever I wanted. On his bassinet they put “Baby Love” where his name would have gone since I decided to let his adoptive parents name him. The adoptive mom flew out (the dad was sick and couldn’t fly) and I met her while still in the hospital. I told her I trusted her to raise my son and I handed him to her. It was a bittersweet moment for sure.
In the weeks that followed I received letters and pictures from them but the closed adoption allowed for no contact after one year. I think I cried myself to sleep for a month. It was very hard, especially when I would see families with their newborns. But I never regretted the decision. I knew deep down that despite my personal pain and emptiness, I had done the right thing. My regrets are for having pre-marital sex in the first place and putting myself in that situation.
In the months that followed I had 2 of my close friends congratulate me on my courage and confide in me that they had had abortions. I was surprised that these girls I knew so well had this secret part of their lives and I can’t help but wonder how they feel now.
That was in 1990 and my son turned 12 this February. I think of him often and pray for him regularly. It wasn’t as easy as I thought to “put it all behind me.” I sometimes wish I could at least have pictures of him to see how he’s growing and changing. But I don’t want to disturb his life, especially now that he is in those fragile adolescent years. I know he is in God’s hands and I have faith and dreams of finding him when he’s grown and having a relationship with him. God has been so good and has comforted and healed me. He has given me 2 beautiful girls of my own now and I cherish them so, so much. I became a stay-at-home mom and even decided to home school them last year!
I hope that anyone out there that feels like they’re in a hopeless situation will be inspired by this website. I know adoption isn’t for everyone but I hope to encourage you to give your baby life. There are so many choices. It may seem like it will be so much easier to have an abortion and be done with it, but read the testimonials of the girls that did and you will see that the pain or problems will not be magically wiped away. There really is no turning back now, but there is moving forward. God will give you the strength you need if you ask Him and He will provide for you. In His word He says “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb…You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment laid out before a single day had passed.” Ps.139:13-16
Your God loves you and cares for you and your unborn child. Turn to Him and He will be there. Come near to God and He will come near to you.
Love, Kirsten
Kirsten | kjforjc@earthlink.net
Dear Kirsten,
What a beautiful gift you have given to your child. You have given him the uncomparable gift of life! You unselfishly carried him within your body, nurturing and caring for him for 9 months. Then, seeing that you weren’t in the position to care for all his needs yourself, you entrusted him to a family who could provide what he needed. What an unbelievable gift you have given to that couple, too. They may never have had the chance to have children of their own. You were able to put aside your feelings and do what you knew would be best for your son. You have done something truly noble and selfless. I admire you so much for your courage!
The heartache of missing your son will probably never completely disappear, but at least you know that you did what was right. You have given your son a chance to live a good life. He will thank you for that someday. You can’t be there to hold him and watch him grow, but you can pray for him and will always be connected in a very special way.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope it will inspire girls who feel they are unable to provide for a child to seriously consider adoption as a good option instead of abortion.
