Well, that’s what they say! I’m not pregnant anymore but not because I had the abortion, but because I have had a miscarriage. The doctor said that I was fine and should just get on with it so here I am, a week later, still suffering the after affects and this is how and why I believe it happened?!

I decided that I couldn’t go through with what I was expected to do and was waiting for the first opportunity to beg someone that could do something to help, but I knew that there was nobody that could help me-but me and at this point, I was desperate to wake up from this nightmare and I decided to have a bath.

I ran the bath and watched the steam run down the mirror whalst my tears mimicked their motion, streaming down my cheeks. Uncontrollable tears, ones that start without you! I had only cried like this once before and that was when my father passed away, the feeling of air trapped in my lungs and my heart tightening…..

I soaked in the tub and rocked my belly as I did with my son there before but this wasn’t gonna be like the conversations I had with him. I was ready and I was starting to feel like I was going mad. I told the baby that dad was just angry and that when the time is right we, me and dad, would be ready and to stay close to my heart till then and I will call on the baby to come back! Now when I repeat it, it sounds so daft but I really felt like this was the only hope and that it would really work?

That night (Monday), I felt strange and fell asleep without thinking anything more of it. When my boy woke me in the morning, I felt hollow, almost disorientated. I was in pain and I knew it wasn’t good so I went straight to the toilet and it was clear that it was over. I had wished my baby away!!!!!

Now I know what you must be thinking, how daft, but it was all I could think to do in all of the madness and drama. I was loosing my mind and falling into a trap in my own head. This is actually what probably made me loose the baby, the stress of what was happening without my control. The fact of the matter is however or whoever’s point of view you look at, it wasn’t meant to be!

I suppose you want to know how I feel about it now. Not very different. I’m lonely and confused. I’m just getting on with being the best Mum I can be for my beautiful son and enjoying every waking moment that I’m with him. He is such a loving child. I will still think what if but what has happened is really out of my control now and not something I have been forced into. I’m sure if I had gone through with the termination, I would be writing a very different blog, that’s if i hadn’t done something more drastic!

xxx