I was doing so well with trying to let my abortion be in the past…But I can’t help it, every time I see a pregnant woman, I just feel a little angry…
Today was the worst it’s been in a while. I had to go to my doctor to get a checkup, and sitting in the waiting room with my boyfriend, I saw a couple come out and they had big smiles on their faces… They had just found out they were having a boy and still had the sonogram pictures in their hand. I quietly started crying in my chair, and my boyfriend realized that I was and tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t help it… I want a baby so badly, I was starting to come to my senses, but this one incident just set me over.
For the last few hours, that’s ALL I can think about…
Right after I got my abortion, my mom forced me to get onto a stronger birth control… Ever since then, it’s been working, unfortunately.
Every day, I keep praying that it will fail and I will get pregnant again. My boyfriend keeps saying he’s not ready, but I can’t help it. I want to have a child so bad. I want a baby girl of my own. I still am having dreams about her sleeping next to me in my bed, or of me rocking her to sleep. I know that having a child isn’t just about those moments, but I’ve watched my friend raise her baby, and I’ve watched him on many occasions, and I know I could do it and be a great mother….
Is it so terrible to want a baby when my boyfriend doesn’t?
Today is the day I was supposed to give birth to my child…
I’ve had dreams every night this week about what it would have been like to actually have had my baby…..I had my abortion in Feburary, it was worst day and decision I have ever made in my life. The day I was going to the clinic, my mom drove with me and my boyfriend. When I got there, they had to take an ultrasound, and have me fill out lots of paperwork. Once that was done, they gave me a bunch of pills to take and told me to go get a good lunch. My mom took us to a restaurant down the street and I could barely eat anything without feeling sick. Once we got back to the waiting room, I was shaking so bad. They called my name and I wanted my mom to go into the room with me, there was no way I could do it by myself. Once I was on the table, my mom was sitting next to me, holding my hand, trying to keep me calm. I was so scared that I literally felt numb. They had given me so many pills to take, and I was inhaling some gas I couldn’t feel much. Physically, mentally, I was hurting more than I ever have in my life. The only thing I remember is I was trying to open my eyes, but I was crying too hard to see anything through my tears. Once it was all over, they sent me to the recovery room. My mom was with me for a little bit, but I wanted to see my boyfriend. They let him come in for a little bit, the second I saw him, and he saw me lying there in pain, he began to cry too……
Every day since then, I haven’t been able to cope with it, and I still I’m not able to. All I want is to have my baby back. All I can think about is getting pregnant again and having a second chance to make things right in my heart.
