Regret but not so much ? what does that make me

Hey, this is my first blog. I’m only 17 and long story short about me; I have had so many things happen to me this year. I never thought I could feel soo much pain hit me in one go. It felt like a big fire truck smacking into me.

This happened on the 3.6 this year. My heart felt crushed. That’s the day I went to get an abortion. I know it’s not right. It’s true when people say ‘ A baby shouldn’t pay for your mistakes ‘. But I just had so many troubles in my life.
My boyfriend and I met when we were around 15. We have always had a thing for each other. We would date on and off for like around 2 times. Anyway, last year on the 21.12, that’s when we got back together. It felt so real. I lost it to him even though he doesn’t believe me, but I really lost it to him. I have liked this boy ever since high school and I felt like somewhere deep down inside me, I loved him. We can not talk for months and every time we talk again, instantly, we would end up liking each other again.

My Boyfriend and I dated and 2 months later or so, I felt pregnant to his baby. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I really wanted keep him/her. I didn’t know how to tell my parents. I was afraid. My sister ended up finding out. My family didn’t support me in the decision I wanted, the decision was that I wanted to keep my baby! But no one wanted to support me. Back then, my boyfriend was still a ‘ playa ‘ you can say. He would text girls in front of me , talk to them on the phone in the other room. I would use to cry everyday. I didn’t know why I didn’t leave him. Maybe because this was the boy I was falling for ever since the age of 15. Maybe that why I couldn’t let go .

Well, I found out I was 4 months and 2 weeks pregnant. I was so happy inside but I knew my boyfriend didn’t want it even though he keep saying ‘ you can have it ‘. But I knew he didn’t want to. He couldn’t let go of how he was like. So eventually, my boyfriend stopped doing all those things. He was there for me and he supported me. We decided we were too young for a kid so we had an abortion that day. I was so scared. I tried to be strong and act like everything was OK to my boyfriend. When I went into the abortion and it came time to lay down, my heart was beating so fast. I tried to hold back the tears but I guess it was too late to do anything about it since I already took the 3 pills they have given . After that, I got off, went back to the ward, and rested. I went home, feeling like a part of me was missing. I cried myself to sleep that night. My boyfriend held my hand through it all and I was happy he changed his way. I knew he was sad, he wrote on his phone ‘ 3.6.09 I love [the blogger] a lesson in love ‘ . I cried myself to sleep for the past couple of nights. I felt weird waking up and not touching my belly, knowing my own baby wasn’t with me anymore. I regret this a lot, but this experience has made us real close and i know he really loves me till this day we are still together, our 1 year in a couple of days.

Does it make me a bad person if I regret what I’ve done yet I’m kind of pleased that this has bought me and my boyfriend together? I don’t know. I’m lost with words . All I wanna say is I miss you, bubbah, and if i still kept you , you would have been in this world last year around November the 27th. I’m sorry it makes me a bad person . Hope you can forgive me when we meet again in heaven.

I love you and your dad loves you too .xxx

3.6.09, a day that has changed who I am inside and how I felt . You as a a person, a growing baby, changed my life.

x0x0x