If anyone had told me three years ago that in 2013 I would miscarry with my first child, then have another pregnancy scare, become engaged and then single. I wouldn’t have believed you.
If you had told me that a month after the year anniversary of my miscarriage that I would be with someone who would purposely try to get me pregnant I never would have believed you.
Girl:
Things sure have changed fast! Just three weeks ago, I was wishing to be back with him… I trusted him! He betrayed me.
I’m negative; he’s positive. We broke up three weeks ago. On the 31st of August, I found out. I couldn’t keep it down. I started to tear up because I knew the truth…
Though he accused me of ‘overreacting’, “Are you serious!? So you actually think I cheated on you? Seriously though, you don’t care anymore either? What, no I did not cheat on you. But believe whatever you want. She’s whispering into your ear still. For one thing, those tests can be inaccurate. For another thing, this whole time, this stuff was going through your head and you didn’t think about talking about it with me, but whatever. You wanna be through with me, fine!” That hurt my feelings, it really did.
I never did anything besides love and respect you. Never once did I see another woman. So no, I can’t tell you the answers you’re looking for, but whatever we’re over, right?
You told me not to message you when I’m drinking. Why would you do that to me then? You may go to university, but that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot and don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to this. You’re breaking my f-ckin heart when I did NOTHING.
Boy:
I’m not the type to cheat. I don’t care what she tells you or what you think you know cuz of some stupid test. You hurt me, you really did…
My mom’s family, all my friends, know that I would never do that to anyone, let alone you. And you haven’t figured that out yet? After how long?
Oh, and my mom’s boss just stopped by. She said it’s possible you could have had a falsified test. Thank you very much for jumping the Gun on me. STDs can stay in your system for up to six months which I’ve told you before and an STD test has about what was it a 78% chance of being correct … I can’t believe this. You get a negative and immediately assume I was cheating then dumped me.
I felt like I begged him to take me back, he said he needed time, the more time he took the more I let go.
I can’t do it anymore, I can’t trust him. I try, I’ve tried so much I have nothing left to give him!
I’m broken, yet I’m trying again to love… Can I? Or when I get back to Canada this Christmas, will he get to me again, confuse me, make me unsure?
All I know is the woman I talk to is sincere, she means something to me, and that something grows every week we talk…
Every week he fades away. Please don’t come back. Just stay away until we are able to just be friends again….
Please stop me from breaking. I don’t want to use her as a crutch, so I keep a distance, but every conversation we get closer!
I’m scared and excited…
So I pour everything I have into my work and my education, so pretty soon there will be nothing to give, no reason to either. Or is that mentality worse than hanging on?
Dear me,
It’s been a year since I miscarried. Wow, has a lot happened…
Let’s start with how messed up I have had to become to realize how hypocritical I’ve been, and how hypocritical I was. I’ve been intimate with 5 different guys, and it’s taken me being in 13 different relationships to realize this, as well as having met someone I truly feel is worth my time, attention, and whole-hearted affection.
I’m telling people not to smoke, either weed or cigarettes. I’m advising them against drinking. I’m telling them not to be me.
This whole time, I’ve been tainting myself, feeling more and more like I’m worthless. Why would God even have bothered to create a royal mess like me?
Let me bear it all on my sleeve. I was a spoiled child that made my mom’s PTSD worse when I was with her. While the rest of my family was in Germany. I wallowed in self-pity because I wasn’t strong enough to tell about when I was sexually assaulted twice. Though when I was strong enough, people rejected my pain and acted as though it didn’t exist.
After that, I went into relationships trying to feel, even if it was the cold touch of another. When that didn’t help I threw myself into smokes and pot, rebelling and getting worse. I was constantly taking one step forward, and two steps back.
It was two years ago when I went over the top. After he left, I went to three others’ touch. I started dating one and fell pregnant. I was only two months along. Most think that’s not enough.
It was enough for me. I looked at that little being that passed right through me, it had caused me so much pain. It was probably nothing compared to what I had done to it and I have never been able to forgive myself.
I kept what happened a secret for months, even from its father, because he had already had a child with another girl.
My friend told me she knew what happened, I looked at her shocked thinking ‘How? I never told anyone!’. I burst into tears and told my then boyfriend.
Fast forward to today, I’m talking to someone who’s actually worthy, but how? How do you mention something so tragic without them thinking something awful about you?
It’s bad enough I can’t forgive myself, and it’s even worse that it would have been 1 year this august. I try not to imagine what my child would have looked like.
Though how do you Not?
Dear me,
Why? Why was I so ignorant and stupid?
Dear me,
How could this happen!? He’s been diagnosed with Chlamydia and now you might have it as well?
How could that have even happened? It must have happened with one of the other two, but was it from the one in November?
Or your ex from December to April?
That would explain why your body has been behaving strangely, though has it already changed from chlamydia to pelvic inflammatory disease?
Are you now infertile? What can I do now? Please God don’t make me infertile. I know I’m young to be asking for this, but I want children in the future.
Please don’t take that from me…
Well, the best bet now is to see the doctor tomorrow with a friend.
Let’s hope my abdomen stops aching and I finally find out what is going on with me.
This is what happens when things go too well… Or is it karma for when I was younger?
Dear me,
I know in my gut that I’m not pregnant, but at this point, that would be so much better than what has been happening now.
It’d be so much better, though I wouldn’t be ready now I would be by the time it was here.
Am I selfish to think this?
Oh well, one day at a time, and hopefully things will get better.
Dear me,
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no purpose, no reason for living. I’m 17, almost 18, and I’m even more lost than I was when I was in grade 6, even more lost than when I was assaulted. Even more lost than I was the second time I was assaulted… Even more lost than when I ran away for the tenth time, even more hopeless than I was when I woke up from taking 67 pills of ibuprofen.
Why am I here?? I have no reason! I’m seen as selfish, and spoiled, and when I was growing up the only way my mom knew to try to keep me “under control” was by spoiling me. I got an iPod. I got dance lessons, but this all happened after I was torn into pieces, after my sense of dignity and strength was ripped from me! So yeah I cut myself. Yeah, I spread lies because I didn’t understand what I was saying! I didn’t want attention! I wanted someone to reach out and tell me I wasn’t alone! I wanted someone to help me, to tell me it’s OK, that none of what happened was my fault!
So I started dating, trying to find any place to belong. That’s not how it started, of course. At first, I just wanted others to feel my pain, so that they understood what I was going through. I fell in love with falling in love and once that feeling was gone, so was I.
Then in grade 10, I almost had sex with someone just to feel. I knew it was wrong so I stopped myself, though withy my next boyfriend I couldn’t. I got drunk for the first time. I lost control, and I lost myself even more. So I kept it up. I kept having sex. I became two different people, one was the “normal TJ” I had become. The other me was the one behind the door, the one that could keep going, the inner redhead, I call her.
She’d only come out when the door was closed. When I felt empty, she came out. And with my two boyfriends (the one I lost it to and the one after him), I felt empty a lot. So she came out, a lot.
I had a miscarriage in February and I didn’t tell anyone until now. It still hurts though… Talking to people about it doesn’t help and I’ve been a subject of judgement my entire life…
Here I am now… I might be pregnant, I’m in China, I don’t have a decent job. I’m struggling to finish high school. I’m hoping to go to university, but in reality, if I’m not pregnant, if I don’t have a reason to live. What’s the point?
They can see me as selfish all they want, but I’m lost, hopeless, and I feel alone…
Dear future me,
Tell me, did it get easier? Did I have my baby? Was I even pregnant? Or did I finally break after having one straw too many?
Did I give up?
Dear me,
I hope I had my baby… I hope I made a better future for myself and for my baby… I hope my baby makes me a better person.
Talk to you later me,
Show me a picture from the future, show it to me in my dreams.
