So here I am again…
Really, if I got a pound/dollar every time that phrase went through my head or rang true to my circumstances, I would be very wealthy right now…=)
I want to smile, but I can’t. This gets continuously increasingly confusing for me. Every time I find myself back in this place.
Why can’t I just be normal and not want this??
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely before in my life.
I don’t think I’ve felt so empty and tired before. I just seem to be living life searching the wilderness for water. Constantly trying to find happiness in the desert that has become my life. All that was before that made me smile is proving to be a mirage. If that should fade away so abruptly leaving me an empty shell, then why not me too?….
I can’t take this…
So I’m back at square one… Almost two years, after we first decided to start trying for a baby, I’m back to being jobless and without a flat with my fiancé.
We’re back to living at our parents and I feel so frustrated. I didn’t lose my job because of me but because a few thousand mega-rich idiots couldn’t do their job well enough and have caused an economic downturn which has meant that my company hasn’t the funds to keep paying my salary. I just feel like if I had sat on my butt and not had any form of drive to do things off of my own hard work, I would have had more in life than I do now. I feel like I should have had no ambition or sense of direction and had made no decisions with my life at all. It sucks that I have to now go and seek housing aid. I hate that I have to sign on to receive benefits. But this is where life has brought me. And you can say ”well if you had a degree blah blah blah…” Uh no…. My mother’s friend’s older sister is 40 and was so on top of her career and was made redundant too… Now they’re worried for her because her career was her life and now she has no career, she has gone missing with nothing really to live for.
I feel like I shouldn’t even wait anymore for that ‘perfect time’ to try to conceive again. I’m going to start in the new year and not stop, take breaks or anything… It will be my mission. I feel a little unsure though…should I wait? Am I being irrational? If I can’t ever really be sure about money. then why waste my time and eggs waiting for a perfect time?
I just feel like I’m in the land of nowhere right now. And I’m seeing so many of my friends having their babies and it makes my longing so strong.
I can’t even speak to anyone and I feel so alone when it comes to this… Help.
I got a bit of a shock today.
I was shocked into realising why they tell me to wait… I have a good job that I really love but today I realised that without a degree or professional qualifications, I am dispensable. I have no real solid ground because I’m not old enough to have veteran-level experience in anything and although a few years counts as a degree-level brain in a lot of jobs, I have neither. I either shape up or it’s out with me and roll in the next girl. I’m waiting… I realised today that I need to be secure in my job, not necessarily Managing Director but secure…
Next couple of years, maybe but right now, I need to do whatever it takes to make sure I don’t get pregnant before good time….x
It’s really hard. Everything is really really hard.
I thought it was over, y’know. I had a plan.It changed and I formed a new safer, better plan than before. I was going to wait and be patient and be smart and not try, not dream, cease from wishing. All this time, that little candle has been dimmed but still burnt quietly inside me, still warm, still present. I thought it would stay that way but as it was left quietly, burning in the depths of my heart, unnoticed, it grew into an awesome blaze. My burning desire to be a mother and have a baby has returned and as much as I douse those flames in water, they return stronger still. I fight with myself constantly and the pro’s and con’s have gone around so many times in my head there are footprints…I just don’t know what to do with myself at times. It gets so lonely fighting with your head and your heart and your common sense. I feel like if I try harder and get pregnant, it would be right and good for him…I almost know it with the same certainty I have that there is a God…Help me….x
(PS Thanks and love to everyone that has commented on my past blogs…I couldn’t see the comments before which is why I didn’t write back but now I’ve figured it out, I will write back to all comments in future! 🙂 )
